Mostly Nonsense, But Kind Of Accurate Weekly Horoscopes (February 1 - 7, 2021)

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  • Font - no Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) This week is poppin' with work projects, creative projects, and "sliding into those DMs" projects. As much as you love keeping busy, by the time you get to Friday, you'll be more willing to embrace those TGIF vibes and hop straight under the covers. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Aquarius (Jan 20 Feb 18) You thought your birthday month would give you clarity, but recently you're feeling like you still don't know where TF you're going. As a water sign, you're bound to go with the flow, so trust yourself (and the wonderful stars, god bless 'em) to lean in a direction that will ultimately end up being oh, so right for you. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Pisces (Feb 19 March 20) You got your eyes on one hot date at the end of the week, but everyone and everything seems to be cockblocking you. Give 'em all a raincheck, deck yourself out in your hottest ensemble, and head on over to his place. You'll get that Dif it's the last thing you do. HEEZ cake
  • Sky - Aries (March 21 - April 19) You're as energized as a cheerleader on coke this week. Channel that Energizer Bunny into actually getting shit done this week. Don't be dumb about time mangement. If you procrastinate now, you won't be able to party up a storm later on. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Get ready for quite the emotional rollercoaster this week. Instead of letting your emotions overwhelm you, take control and ride that sucker all the way to town. Why let 'em see you cry when you can freakin' fly? CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Gemini (May 21 June 20). So much hype this week you can barely contain yourself! You don't know what's coming your way, but your gut tells you it's something good. The stars are all about swaying you to live your best life, so trust those fuzzy feels within you. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Cancer (June 21- July 22) You thought you finally found the perfect no-strings-attached relationship, but it looks like your FWB has caught the feels for you. Unfortunately, you're far from being on the same page, so it's time to jump ship before this hookup sitchu entirely destroys your friendship beyond repair. DEEZ cake
  • Font - Leo (Juty 23 - August 22) You like texts from your exes when they want a second chance just as much as the next girl, but according to the cosmos, it's time to open your heart to someone fresh. A new relationship involving a surprisingly decent dude is on your horizon, so don't f*ck it up. CHEEZ calce
  • Font - Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22). You had it all planned out; alas, the circumstances have changed at the last minute. As an earth sign, you'll still stay grounded as hell. If there's anything the stars have taught you, it's that nothing is certain. Don't freak out - vivacious Virgo, it's time to adapt, improvise, overcome! CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22). Much like Lana del Rey, you've seen the world, done it all, had your cake, and now, you're looking for something new. Sign up for something crazy out of your comfort zone to get your adrenaline up and running again! It's a great time to spice up your life. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - m. Scórpio (0ct 23 -Nov 21). Because you're always on the lookout for truth, you'll know when sh*t's about to hit the fan before everyone else. When push comes to shove, make sure you have a place to hide in. Unless, of course, you're here for the drama - then, by all means, lead the way. CHEEZ cake
  • Font - Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) The stars are granting you all the opportunity in the world! More dollar signs, more dope dance parties, and of course, more man-candy. Be sure to count ya blessings because you sure as hell don't get unlimited opportunities like this every week. CHEEZ cake

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