Tumblr Thread: Being a Purveyor of Fine Clown Meats

Author image for Eric Lund
Eric Lund
Dec 18, 2021 4:00 PM EST

In most cases, someone offering to tell you about a dream they had is the most boring and stupid waste of 5 minutes you can engage in. But when it's from the twisted mind of a tumblr user, and it's about operating an all-clown meat deli, it's really hard not to pay attention. It's got action, crime, drama, science and most importantly a whole lotta clown meat. Here are some more funny, random and shiny tumblr gems.

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  • 01
    Font - CO biggest-gaudiest-patronus. 5 biggest-gaudiest... have decided to sell out my dreams! for the bargain price $4.20 you can purchase the Clown Dream I had last night! biggest-gaudiest-patronuses Ok so in the dream I was a purveyor of clown meat. basically i ran a delicatessen that sold assorted deli meats but in particular i sold clown meat, which was somehow both a specialty item and a dietary staple. like it was a really culturally important food
    via wallefan
  • 02
    Font - group. the thing about owning & operating a clown meat deli is that for some reason i was required to hunt the clowns myself, which required a hunting permit. (there were also strict rules regarding the processing & handling of clown flesh, for safety & religious reasons, but that doesn't figure into the dreamplot.) anyway, hunting clowns was difficult for me, bc i'm not very athletic but also the local clown forest population was thinning out (which i blamed on local Fish & Wildlife Agen
    via wallefan
  • 03
    Font - and sustainable clown husbandry . so naturally i began mixing my meats, methods but again, not relevant). so adding other types of animal flesh to my clown sausage mixtures to pad out my inventory. i also eventually started passing off human flesh as clown meat, since human & clown meat have a lot in common tastewise, and it made a more convincing substitute than other livestock. eventually i got caught and arrested on the very serious charges of selling counterfeit clown meats. (people w
    via wallefan
  • 04
    Font - been selling imitation clown meat, bc the purity of clown meat was a whole cultural thing. i don't wanna get into it ok) (also i honestly believe i would have gotten off with like. a fine + community service except that at the end i was faking the expensive, prime grade steaks, aka meat cuts only the local landed gentry could afford, and they were horrified less by the potential accidental cannibalism and more by how they had been subjected to the same duplicity as my working class custom
    via wallefan
  • 05
    Font - anyway the whole thing cumulated in the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, an absolute public spectacle at the County Courthouse, honestly just the most disreputable extravaganza. Hugely improprietous. Hugely. The whole shebang: massive courthouse crowd in their sunday finest, a bunch of screaming reporters with flashbulbs, the judge had to call for silence multiple times before we even got started. No decorum whatsoever, totally uncalled for, i was extremely offended on my own behalf. Most memorable
    via wallefan
  • 06
    Font - piece) and spoke in a Texan drawl thick enough to smother an infant in a cot. Now my entire defense strategy hinged on a stunningly controversial, risky, and supremely daring argument involving disputes both biological and philosophical; it was quite a tricky piece of reasoning, absolutely transformative, which i will reveal to you when i finish this post tomorrow (very drunk) #i spent an hour writing this HOW DID I SPEND AN HOUR WRITING THIS??? #THE FICK???? #clown tw #also ...
    via wallefan
  • 07
    Font - FINAL PART Here is the secret. Here is the secret I never told anyone. Not any of those scientists or priests or reporters. Not my lawyer or that coroner whose testimony probably saved my life. I spent decades butchering and selling clown meat, so I knew without a doubt that dead clowns are in fact very easy to distinguish from human corpses. Oh they look the same all right, but any clown butcher worth their salt can tell you the unique thing about clown meat--the reason that clown meat i
    via wallefan
  • 08
    Font - It's all about texture. Once you drain the blood and let the meat dry out-- clowns have the same texture as mushrooms. Hand to God! What you do is, you drain the Clown and you let it hang there a few days. Then you come back and you can literally tear the meat apart with your hands. Takes almost zero effort. No blood or splinters or anything-- it's literally like pulling apart a giant mushroom, has that weird foamy crumbly consistency. I have no damn idea why these fancy scientist doctor
    via wallefan
  • 09
    Font - tell you. One of the major benefits of owning a clown meat delicatessen was that I could cut an entire carcass into steaks with just a pair of kitchen scissors. Minimal cleanup, requires hardly any grip strength, it's basically like cutting through packaging foam. But that's not the secret. That's information you need to know, but the secret itself is something I personally discovered, and proceeded to use to my advantage. To clarify I don't consider myself a villain so much as a capitali
    via wallefan
  • 10
    Font - discovered THE HORRIBLE SECRET ORIGINS OF CLOWNS--I didn't actually feel the need to tell anyone. Especially because I figured it wouldn't be good for business. Because the truth is--CLOWNS ARE A TYPE OF CORDYCEPS. What we refer to as Clowns are merely the unfortunate infected hosts of a powerful parasite fungi. Clowns didn't evolve from Humans--they were humans.
    via wallefan
  • 11
    Font - Or at least their ancestors were. I assume the fungus gets passed down from mother to child, possibly in the womb, so arguably all living generations of clowns were born clowns. Or not. Again, I am a deli owner, not a biologist. (This could also explain their bizarre behaviors, stunted neurology, and shortened life spans. Again, not a biologist.) How can I be sure of this? What gives me the right to claim these things? Because I'm the one who figured out how it works. I'm the one who iden
    via wallefan
  • 12
    Font - figured out how to spread the spores. I'm the one who figured out that normal humans could be infected, and I'm the one who realized (after a few of my messier experiments went awry) the host didn't even have to be alive for the change to take effect. That's right--it worked on human corpses. Do you understand? Do you understand the incredible magnitude of what I am saying? Do you understand how this TRANSFORMS THE ENTIRE CLOWN MEAT INDUSTRY AS WE KNOW IT??? How this completely erases the
    via wallefan
  • 13
    Font - The charges were wrong. Yes, I stole those bodies from the graveyard. But I didn't lie about the clown meat-- the meat I sold was Real Clown. They weren't clowns while they were alive but i made them clowns. Oh, they were people's aunts and uncles and grandmas and neighbors all right, I don't deny that. But at the end of the day they were clowns, pure clowns, clowns like any other. Because I. Made. Them. So. Clowns, clowns, clowns all around, clowns they abound, and all by my will! I, rin
    via wallefan
  • 14
    Font - Fooling of Fools, the most repugnant Joker's Jest!!!!! I may be a graverobber. but don't you dare insinuate I mislabel my meats. For it was clowns! IT WAS CLOWNS ALL ALONG!!! And that, dear reader, is the end of my tale. In closing, please enjoy this artist's rendition of the fungus i used to infect my stolen corpses.
    via wallefan

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wtf clown tumblr gross dreams lol funny funny tumblr meat
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