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Labor Can Take DAYS Before Pushing Starts
Hate to break it to you, but childbirth is not like it is in the movies. Most women don't have their water break while in the middle of rush hour traffic or during an important business meeting where they're trying to get a promotion. The contractions start and you'll want to immediately start driving to the hospital. Don't. Do. That. They'll send you home. Seriously. This is your last chance to chill without the responsibility of a newborn child. Cherish every moment. Until her contractions get regularly frequent, or she throws things at your head. Then it's probably a good time to start the car.
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Pooping...
You've been there before. You had a huge meal of Tex Mex takeout and now you're paying for it in the bathroom a few hours later. Well, guess what? Now you have a glimpse into what goes on in the delivery room. Your partner is going to be pushing this baby out so hard that there's some other stuff that comes out along the way. That's right she's gonna poop. All over the chair, the floor, the midwife, possibly even you if you're dilly-dallying in the wrong spot. From this point forward, don't act like we didn't warn you.
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The Placenta Comes After The Baby
As an expecting parent, you might have heard of the placenta. Maybe you read some pregnancy books or paid attention during the childbirth course you took with your partner. You might even remember some hippie cousin of yours that turned their placenta into pills. So you probably know what it is, but did you know that after laboring for hours and birthing a human, the mother of your child has to then give birth to the placenta? Trust me, you don't want to see that. Just keep looking at your beautiful new baby.
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Being Torn Open
Women's bodies were created for childbirth. The process has undergone thousands of years of evolution and billions of babies have been born to women over the course of history. Unfortunately, one thing that got left on the evolution cutting room floor is just how far their skin can stretch before tearing. Yeah, not only are women going through immense pain and discomfort, they're also being ripped open, sometimes all the way to their butts. In certain cases, the midwife or doctor will preemptively cut their skin to make things easier. Sorry if this is TMI, but after she's going through all that, hearing about it is the least you can do. Just be thankful you're standing by her side and not the one reenacting that scene from Alien.
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Her Boobs Are Gonna Be Huge, No Wait-
Okay, okay, okay. Calm down. This isn't a good thing, well not for you at least. With all the breast milk that's building up in preparation for the new baby, her boobs might look great, but this is a nursing zone only now, bud. Hate to be the one to break it to you. And if this is upsetting just wait till what comes next.
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Sex Is Off The Table
You're just days removed from following everyone's advice about having sex in order to induce labor. You LOVED helping your pregnant partner with that one, I'm sure. But now that the baby has come, it's likely that your partner will put a firm Do Not Enter sign on her body. There's been a lot of trauma down there in the last couple of days so maybe go get her another ice pack instead of asking her to meet you in the bedroom.
Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor
Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor and more videos on our TikTok @cheezcaked