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01
10. Lord Farquaad
If you've ever wondered why women don't generally go for men on the shorter side, it's solely because of this short fictional douchebag. Lord Farquaad is greedy, gross, superficial, and just an all-around shitty person.
He was too much of a pussy to go in and save the princess from the tower himself, sending Shrek in to do his bidding instead. Plus, when Shrek and Donkey first see the large size of Farquaad's kingdom, Shrek suggests that he might be compensating for something… after analyzing Lord Farquaad's garbage personality, we wholeheartedly agree.
We need a hero, and this villain just ain't it.
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9. Prince Charming
The prince is just as insufferable as Lord Farquaad, but at least he had the decency to try to save the princess from the tower himself. He's undeniably a regulation hottie, but that doesn't mean he's boyfriend material.
On the contrary, he definitely classifies as f*ckboy material. He manipulates Fiona with zero remorse, and he would do the exact same thing to you. The cherry on top to his f*ckboy persona is the fact that he's a total mama's boy, which gives me a major ick factor.
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8. King Harold (AKA Fiona's Father)
The fact that he decided to lock his daughter up in a tower instead of exposing her ogre form to the world is a major red flag for anyone considering having children with this man. Then, he arranges to have Shrek - his daughter's freaking fiance - assassinated! I seriously don't know how Fiona got out of being raised by him unscathed, with zero daddy issues to show for it.
The only reason the King is ranked above Lord Farquaad and Prince Charming is because he redeems himself by jumping in front of Shrek when the Fairy Godmother attempts to kill him. We're suckers for a good redemption arc.
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7. Pinocchio
As desperately as he wants to be a real boy, he never will be. And honey, you need a real man. A wooden puppet just won't cut it.
Plus, because of his truth-telling nose, you'd always know when he's lying - which he does a lot. All these exposed lies would just create it Like, why'd he have to lie about wearing ladies' underwear in the second film?! Own your quirks and quit lying, and then maybe we'll consider you (but probably not, tbh).
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6. Three Little Pigs
The three of them are always together, which makes it really hard to tell the difference between their personalities. If you date one of them, you'll be dating the other two as well (then again, you might be into that sort of thing).
I'll admit that I was impressed by the epic party they threw while house-sitting Shrek's swamp in the second film. I love guys who know how to party, so this automatically nabbed them a higher spot on the list. At the same time, their distinct German accents just don't do it for me.
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5. Gingerbread Man (AKA Gingy)
Gingy is the sweetest side character. For someone so small and delicate, he's fiercely loyal to his friends. Even when he's being tortured by Lord Farquaad for answers about the other fairytale creatures, he stands his ground, and we love that kind of loyalty in a man.
At the same time, similar to how attached Prince Charming is to the Fairy Godmother, the Gingerbread Man is way too attached to the Muffin Man. A daddy's boy is just as much of a red flag as a mama's boy. Sorry, Gingy.
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4. Donkey
Donkey managed to charm a literal fire-breathing dragon into not eating him in the first film. Clearly, he knows what it takes to charm the ladies - and he sticks around, too. He also turns into one sexy stallion in the second film, and we all know stallions know how to give women the ride of their lives. Every morning after, he's guaranteed to be making waffles for you.
However, Donkey is way too dependent on Shrek throughout the franchise, which makes us think he'd also be a super needy boyfriend. Major turnoff. We're gonna need some space.
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3. Shrek
We get it, Shrek's a hideous ogre, but like onions, he has self-proclaimed layers. You've probably been with uglier dudes, and sensitivity is so sexy. Even though he's a total hermit, he opens his heart to all the fairytale creatures, but always stays humble. He also happens to be huge. We wouldn't mind climbing him like a tree.
He would be at the top of the list if he wasn't so freaking insecure. Every movie, he doubts Fiona's love for him and ends up making stupid decision because of it. Like dude, she decided to stay in her ogre form for you. She's clearly into you, idiot. Please love yourself.
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09
2. Big, Bad Wolf (AKA Wolfie)
Unlike in the traditional fairytale, the Big, Bad Wolf is surprisingly homies with the Three Little Pigs in the Shrek universe, which gives him bad-boy-turned-good vibes. We're always trying to change the bad boys, but the Shrek universe already did the work for us.
Wolfie also wears granny's nightgown the entire franchise with zero explanation, highlighting just how confident he is with his masculinity. Lastly, he naps literally everywhere, so if you guys dated, you'd very much be on the same page. With Wolfie, naps are guaranteed.
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1. Puss in Boots
With that sexy Hispanic accent (voiced by Antonio Banderas), Puss in Boots is such a dreamboat. He's adorably manipulative, but then again so are you. The two of you would be the ultimate power couple, riding through life manipulating people with your irresistible cuteness. Meet the perfect partner in crime.
His only flaw? Those hairballs. But every perfect man has that one character flaw, and the two of you will get through it together.
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Like what you see? Find more hilarious women's memes and crazy stories on our Instagram @Cheezcake_Humor and more videos on our TikTok @cheezcaked