Fresh and Funny Quips From the Best of Twitter (May 25, 2023)

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    Font - Bed, Bath, and BEYONCE?!?! @Kyla_Lacey I want mosquitos to understand that I'm a human being with real feelings and real emotions and they can't just use my body every time they want a little suckie suckie. 9:10 AM 5/21/23 from Earth. 196K Views . 1,768 Retweets 76 Quotes
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    Font - death angel @angel_Of_deathx flirting with girls: it should be illegal to be this beautiful???? run me over with a bus you perfect ethereal being flirting with men: nice penis brother 11:51 PM 5/18/23 from Earth.43.1K Views 79 Retweets 10 Quotes 966 Likes 22 Bookmarks
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    Font - Taylor Kay Phillips @TayKayPhillips Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with "Just so I understand..." 6:15 PM 5/15/23 from Earth 269K Views . 1,260 Retweets 76 Quotes
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    Font - trash jones @jzux my friend lives above a restaurant that has a cat for mice-killing purposes, & he let the cat into his apartment enough that now it basically lives there & he lets it out at night to "go to work." landlord finally called him & was like "do you just want him? we'll get another" 2:04 PM 5/13/23 from Earth. 467K Views . 654 Retweets 24 Quotes
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    Vertebrate - Sunday Murinde Survivor @Survivor Uganda "See i don't have games on my phone" 1:42 PM-5/11/23 from Earth 711 Views 8 Retweets 65 Likes
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    Font - Jessie @mommajessiec My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she's trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog's name is Tucker. This will not end well. 9:52 AM 5/9/23 from Earth 45.4K Views 97 Retweets 960 Likes 6 Bookmarks
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    Font - dr. hazel @HazelMonforton I scratched a car's bumper while I was ineptly trying to back into a too-small parking space so I left my contact details in a note under the windscreen wiper. After a few hours I got this email: Car bumper Hazel: My car told me to thank you for your kindness & honesty, but it thinks it's fine and doesn't need any medical attention. Have a good weekend. RH 11:57 AM 5/21/23 2.1M Views . ... 1,649 Retweets 101 Quotes
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    Font - Rachel Alter MD MPH @RachelAlter007 Oh my god it happened there was a medical emergency on my flight I've had my MD for 4 days Thank god half the passengers from Israel to New York are also doctors and another more seasoned one stood up because when I tell you my life flashed before my eyes 5:13 PM 5/20/23 from Earth 598K Views . 395 Retweets 59 Quotes .
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    Bird - WIKIPEDIA depths of wikipedia @depthsofwiki it was officially 201 years ago that a german village found this stork and realized that in the winter, birds didn't just disappear. they migrated! Pfeilstorch From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Pfeilstorch is a stork that gets injured by an arrow while wintering in Africa and returns to Europe with the arrow stuck in its body. As of 2003, about 25 Pfeilstörche have been documented in Germany.[¹] 5:04 AM 5/20/23 from Earth 1.2M Views . . The
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    Font - Anne 'In a post-Kickstarter coma' Gre... @AnneofMany Names My mom just sent someone on a side quest Her folks forgot their phone before going on vacay. So she went to the train station, found a woman going to Copenhagen, and gave her the phone with the instruction: "When you get to CPH give this phone to a woman who looks just like me" 3:36 PM 5/19/23 from Earth. 1M Views 2,118 Retweets 77 Quotes 39.4K Likes 942 Bookmarks 27 10 口 Anne 'In a post-Kickstarter com.... 21h For context, my mom
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    Font - ToonrificTariq @ToonrificTariq POV: You're a child and you're an artist and your mother's friend who knows nothing about your personality or other interests wants to buy you a present. Nim Nik ART SET . INCLUDES 3 MAR 34 WAX CRAY PASTELS 24 14 cou SANG 1 SPALETTE 1 STAPLER CON MARTENER HOME L PURINOL s BAGE 150 PIECES 9:25 AM 5/18/23 from Earth. 376K Views 1,924 Retweets 372 Quotes ...
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    Font - alex @alex_abads Hinge is so funny. like gatekeeping the hottest people and then making the only way to contact them a completely humiliating act that tells them they're out of your league Imao 8:29 AM 5/17/23 from Earth. 1.3M Views . 745 Retweets 172 Quotes
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    Font - soul nate @MNateShyamalan i hate how many ways that i don't fully understand gen z has developed to spot millennials from 10,000 yards away. youll say something innocent like "i went to the mall" and a teen in ripped jeans will burst through your window yelling "was harry potter there, you cheugy fuck" 10:15 PM 5/16/23 from Earth 1.2M Views 1,285 Retweets 255 Quotes
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    Font - Sundae Divine @Sundae Divine Two guys I slept with in high school will be at my 20th reunion this weekend. I wasn't a slut or anything, the school was just so small we had drivers ed and sex ed in the same car. 3:51 PM 5/16/23 from Earth. 32K Views 41 Retweets 6 Quotes 1,101 Likes 3 Bookmarks
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    Font - James Moran @jamesmoran If they made Raiders of the Lost Ark today, they'd probably cram it with woke anti-Nazi propaganda, put in a feisty woman who can outdrink men twice her size, and make the hero keep failing and scared of snakes or some shit, ugh 6:52 AM 5/16/23 from Earth. 1.2M Views . 3,371 Retweets 221 Quotes
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    Font - frostee @frosteeflake why they jumped this nigga for this he right bruh MORE LOVE @ufomidas Thread My dick big but it's regular big. Some of y'all niggas be walking round wit dem shaboiyoings.. What you doing wit 12 inches of meat fam? You causing inflation round dis bitch 1:43 PM - 5/15/23 from Earth 58.1K Views 34 Retweets 101 Quotes 185 Likes 30 Bookmarks . 8:12 AM 5/16/23 from Earth. 1.4M Views 2,959 Retweets 400 Quotes
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    Font - Zephyr On Call @zephyr_on_call how is it 2023 and nobody's come up with a satisfying explanation as to why cell phones never show up in our dreams if we're using them for 12 hours a day? 1:51 AM 5/14/23 from Earth 2.2M Views ● . 1,360 Retweets 821 Quotes ...
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    Font - percy wannabe @ourdiangel theres this one time my dad asked me what ao3 meant. i told him its a site i used to read books fanmade for free, he thought it was so cool and two days later i found him reading superman and batman having an affair with wonder woman. on fuckin ao3. freddie benson @moonylove.1d have any of y'all's parents found you reading fan fiction Show this thread 9:57 PM 5/13/23 from Earth. 4.8M Views 8,252 Retweets 686 Quotes
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    Font - GNCordova @GNCordova I just learned the director of Ray didn't even know Jamie Foxx was a pianist. He told him they'd hire a piano player to make it seem like he was playing and Jamie was like "I'm a classically trained pianist." 9:06 AM 5/12/23 from Earth 6.7M Views . 6,535 Retweets 456 Quotes
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    Font - Alma 'Union Hottie' Avalle @GoodbyeAlma wow interesting Jeopardy clue from tonight Ken Jennings became one of these in 2023 after crossing the picket line during the WGA strike 7:17 PM 5/12/23 1.3M Views 1,124 Retweets 118 Quotes
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    Font - Uju Anya @UjuAnya A laptop arrived at my house addressed to my 16yo son. I didn't buy it. I know neither his dad nor my girlfriend did. I sat the boy down. Took the computer, his phone, said I'll seize his desktop too and ground him indefinitely until he said where he got $1000. Video game skins. 11:11 AM - 5/12/23 from Earth 10.5M Views 2,840 Retweets 721 Quotes
  • 22
    Product - Andy Khouri @andykhouri Was just reminded of one of the best and darkest lines ever. I can't wait until next year when all of you are in Vietnam. 5:58 AM 5/12/23 2.6M Views 2,756 Retweets 249 Quotes
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    Font - kelpy @kelseybuckles my 7 year old niece's second grade class has been taking care of caterpillars this month and the butterflies hatched from their cocoons this morning. this afternoon THEIR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER RELEASED THE BUTTERFLIES WHILE THE KIDS WERE AT LUNCH 10:26 PM 5/11/23 from Earth - 2M Views . 821 Retweets 603 Quotes
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    Nose - irishman Carl @bornposting he said this and then does nothing for an entire season and disappears I'm gonna eat you all. 11:04 AM 5/11/23 from Earth 385K Views . 209 Retweets 86 Quotes . 8,094 Likes 127 Bookmarks
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    Font - Lolo @LolOverruled Was I not supposed to be giving blood The Hill @thehill 1d #BREAKING: FDA updates blood donation policy to include gay, bisexual men trib.al/ Ydifw04 11:53 AM 5/11/23 from Earth. 10.4M Views 5,693 Retweets 235 Quotes
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    Organism - World Of History @UmarBzv The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987. 7:28 AM 5/11/23 5.7M Views ... 13.6K Retweets 784 Quotes 0*
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    Font - Robb Allen @ItsRobbAllen I created the best Zoom video background today. It's a video of the room I'm in and every few minutes, I open the door, see that I'm on a call, and leave. It's so subtle that only a few people picked up on it during my last meeting. 3:11 PM 5/11/23 from Earth. 22.8K Views 86 Retweets 6 Quotes 899 Likes 25 Bookmarks
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    Font - Dad 2.0 - hanging on, mostly @DadaBaseThought My wife is hilarious We've been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to 5:41 PM 5/11/23 from Earth1M Views 2,360 Retweets 230 Quotes
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    Font - |B @Taylorschair13 i have streamed champagne problems 1k times & i thought i would be the top listener for the track but i just found a girl who listened to it 23 THOUSAND TIMES???? Info champagne problems Show the stats tab as the default tab when opening a track, album or artist page. Make default 23,603x total times streamed 18 Dec 2020 first streamed at 05:27 Stats 95,825 total minutes streamed 9 May 2023 last streamed at 13:36
  • 30
    Eye - dess @dessbian ppl in the replies listing natural disasters are so funny. use your MANLY MASCULINITY to STOP THE TORNADO. deflect the LAVA with your HUGE PECS. Kate Kelly @Kate_Kelly_Esq. 1d Show this thread "if men didn't exist who would protect you??" protect us from who? ... 7:13 AM - 5/11/23 from Earth. 1.9M Views
  • 31
    Font - Noah Garfinkel @NoahGarfinkel When a movie is called something like Killers Of The Flower Moon, they've already lost me. I'm not going to sit there for two hours waiting for a title to make sense. Hotel For Dogs. Now that's a movie title. 1:11 PM 5/21/23 from Earth. 1.6M Views . 2,964 Retweets 145 Quotes
  • 32
    Font - hys @Hys3x i remember a few years ago this girl i wanted needed her tv mounted so i offered and she called me at 4am telling me it fell off the wall and i blocked her number 3:38 PM 5/21/23 from Earth 3.7M Views . 5,652 Retweets 1,558 Quotes
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    Nose - Daniel @growing_daniel Breathe bro. Focus. 200 7:39 PM 5/22/23 3.9M Views ● 1,163 Retweets 206 Quotes
  • 34
    Font - Vinny Thomas @vinn_ayy hey you guys, as a reminder, please don't "save" couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people. 10:36 AM 5/22/23 from Earth 1.4M Views . 4,177 Retweets 68 Quotes
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    Font - kendrick lobstar @KLobstar my boss handed me a small computer tower and said "go toss this in the dumpster, it's old and it never worked-it's trash" my brother in employment, this is an HP workstation with 32gb, an i7-8700, and a Radeon 5700x with zero hours on it, you never plugged it in ly 4:37 PM 5/22/23 615K Views 834 Retweets 59 Quotes msi RADEC
  • 36
    Font - Holly Nielsen @nielsen_holly I love in Zelda when they're like 'There's an ancient song our people sing, though the meaning of its words are lost to time... it goes like this: ♪♪Link, use a bombflower on the wall Press up on the D-Pad to access items 9:32 AM 5/15/23 from Earth. 1.2M Views . 4,986 Retweets 54 Quotes
  • 37
    Font - Alex Shephard @alex_shephard someone in my neighborhood has live, laugh, loved for the last time cheeks sweet Hello, . IF I HAVE TO STIR IT, IT'S HOMEMADE fbreaks um. 10:58 AM 5/22/23 from Earth 3.5M Views . 9,480 Retweets 494 Quotes

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