Childfree Woman Slams Mom Friend for Expecting 'The Village' to Provide Free Babysitting

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Oct 31, 2023 8:00 PM EDT

The opinions that people hold on parenting encompass an entire spectrum of beliefs. However, the one thing that pretty much everyone can agree on is that moms and dads hold the primary responsibility for their own kids. It goes without saying that this is difficult, and every parent is going to need a little help from time to time. 

That being said, things get controversial when it comes to exactly how much help they are entitled to. Not everybody in your life is going to rush in to coparent once you start having kids. 

This has been the topic of a contentious AITA, in which a childfree woman fell out with her mom friend after telling her she was glad that parents these days don't have as much of a community support system. While many were inclined to agree with her, not everybody thought she got her point across in the best way. Yet another great parenting debate continues.

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  • 01
    Font - r/AmltheAsshole u/Potential-Alaska6412 21h AITA for telling my friend with kids that I'm glad "the village" doesn't exist anymore?
    via Potential-Alaska6412
  • 02
    Font - I have a friend "Bella" who is late 20s and has a toddler and a baby. She constantly bemoans the fact that "the village" doesn't exist anymore and people aren't helping her and her partner wit their baby the way they used to in past generations and how selfish it is and how terrible this is society now. She's really bitter her mother won't retire and babysit the kids for free, but her mother is only in her mid 50s and can't afford to retire yet. She constantly complains she can't travel o
    via Potential-Alaska6412
  • 03
    Font - After years of this, I told her I'm actually really glad we have moved away from that because "the village" that parents romanticise was actually the unpaid labor of women, and as a woman who doesn't want a child, I'm glad that I'm no longer considered socially obligated to babysit other people's kids for free or do household chores for people who chose to have kids in my free time, especially because these people won't pay it forward to me in any way, and if something happened to me, lik
    via Potential-Alaska6412
  • 04
    Font - The thing that triggered it was that I went overseas recently for a holiday and to attend a concert of an artist I really like and she complained about how she doesn't get to to these things because "the village" is off doing things like that. She said I'm just a really selfish childfree person who wants mothers to "suffer", but I don't think I was wrong, and then she said I was a bad feminist and a terrible person and hasn't spoken to me since. AITA?
    via Potential-Alaska6412
  • 05
    Font - EtoileFragile 20h Partassipant [1] NTA. So many things from caring for the sick/ disabled, community projects, to helping raise children was unpaid women's labour's that relied on us not being able to work. Yes, it's unfair now that women are expected to work and raise children unless the men are doing an equal share. But in this case it just sounds like your friend wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child.
    via EtoileFragile
  • 06
    Font - Potential-Alaska6412 OP 20h But in this case it just sounds like your friend wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child. I kinda get the impression she thought they'd be cute little accessories she could take everywhere and then dump them on someone else whenever she wants a break or it would be more fun to do something without them.
    via Potential-Alaska6412
  • 07
    Font - Kingsdaughter613 19h For the record: that isn't what the village is. And never was. Men were and are an extremely important part of the village. In fact, I believe one reason why the village collapsed is due to men abrogating much of that duty. But when the village persists, men are very much an active part of it. The village meant that when my daughter almost died at two months, my great-uncle the EMT and my dad came running to help. It meant my aunt and uncle were there to take in my so
    via Kingsdaughter613
  • 08
    Font - The village means that when someone has a baby, or surgery, or suffers a loss, the whole neighborhood makes meals. It means that when my son has issues with school my dad can intercede. It means that when my mom needs electronics help my husband is there to help. And it means my dad hasn't had to build his own succah in years! It doesn't mean I can just dump my kids on my parents or in-laws and go party. What it does mean is that I will never go through life alone. A village means you wil
    via Kingsdaughter613
  • 09
    Font - Sh tsuri 21h Craptain [160] I dunno, I'm leaning NTA since I think she was out of line to call you a bad feminist. But seems kind of like maybe you guys weren't very suited to be friends now that you're both so different. I don't think her complaints about the lack of a perceived support network were really an anthropological argument that needed your rebuttal, but I get why it could frustrate you after a while. I'm childfree and still wish things were different for parents these days, bu
    via Shtsuri
  • 10
    Font - MaybeAWalrus 21h Commander in Cheeks [255] Yikes. Your friend just called parenting "suffering". Why did she had kids in the first place if this was too much for her ?! NTA. You are 100% right. When you have a kid, it's nice if you have help. But you should never rely on other people to raise your child in your place while you travel and "enjoy life".
    via MaybeAWalrus
  • 11
    Font - guppytub 21h Asshole Aficionado [17] NTA. The "village" is supposed to be a support system - people helping people. It is not expecting other people to babysit for free or shoulder the parenting of your kids so you can go on trips and "enjoy life". Sounds like she probably shouldn't have had kids...
    via guppytub
  • 12
    Font - similar_name4489 21h Asshole Enthusiast [9] NTA the "Village" did not necessarily even exist universally. There was cases where parents had the support of their family and friends, but there were plenty who didn't. It reminds me of people who romanticize notable, but not universal, elements of the post-war period because they feel entitled to it as owed (aka "American Dream" where 'everyone' had a family house, two cars, 2.5 kids, one one income - sure, there was the rise of surbanization
    via similar_name4489
  • 13
    Font - Beginning_Ad_1371 21h Partassipant [1] NTA. She admitted that she's mad because you're enjoying your life instead of sacrificing yourself to make her life better, all while receiving nothing in return..... And she feels so, so sorry for herself because of that.
    via Beginning_Ad_1371
  • 14
    Font - SirDaeltanFernagdor 21h NTA. Furthermore, what she is saying is historically incorrect. While it is true that in the past "a village" helped with children, things were such because such help was needed to survive, not in order to allow parents to take a break or relax, let alone "travel" (as she states); in no way that happened.
    via SirDaeltanFernagdor
  • 15
    Font - Glittering Joke3438 21h Asshole Aficionado [15] This post feels like a debate set-up. : Reply werebothsquidward 17h Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] Yeah they should rename this sub r/ childfreefanfiction ⠀ 4245 ↓ 140 Skrylas 15h My mom got repeatedly run over by an SUV while biking and is now asking me to take care of my little brother, I said no and she got mad. AITA? NTA, King. Your mom should've thought about that before. This is parentification and your mom is a narcissist.
    via Glittering_Joke3438
  • 16
    Font - rosiepoesie 16h Had to scroll real far for a reasonable take lol. Parenting is super hard. Friend lacks empathy. Social supports are limited these days. Having kids is a choice but no parent truly know what they are signing up for and how difficult it actually is.
    via rosiepoesie
  • 17
    Rectangle - cryrabanks 19h ESH. It's hard parenting with no support. You also shouldn't be expected to be a support. The emphasis on invidualism over community and collectivism is still garbage though.
    via cryrabanks
  • 18
    Font - No_Mathematician2482 20h Asshole Enthusiast [6] As a mother to six children and a grandmother to 2.5, ΝΤΑ Having children is not anyone's responsibility except the parents. If you create a human, raise the human you made, grandparents have their own life, if you ask and they are available to babysit then great, but are in no way obligated. I adore my grandchildren, and I do babysit them sometimes, but for an extended time, no way, I get too tired. I raised my kids; my grandkids are their
    via No_Mathemetician2842
  • 19
    Font - Ok-Stretch7308 20h I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong, but if you guys are truly friends, why not empathize with her situation and do something nice? For example, you could communicate with the father and ask him if he can take a day to watch the kid while you two spend a day doing something fun? This helps her feel like there is a "village" and you don't have to babysit and also have some time with a friend? Yeah, it probably shouldn't be on you to initiate this but maybe sh
    via Ok-Stretch3708
  • 20
    Font - ESH. Zealousideal-Law-513 19h The village isn't unpaid female labor to give parents free time to go to concerts and vacation. It also isn't some sexist notion. The origin of the phrase is an African proverb and it's meaning isn't "all the women should help Make mom's life better," the meaning is that generate new, productive, socially integrated members of a immunity takes everybody. Phrased different, it isn't about work at all, it's about the reality that the best parents in the world c
    via Zealousideal-Law-513
  • 21
    Font - Wrong, sexist use of the proverb aside, your friend is wrong. Does she have a husband or ex husband that might help (you know, the most important part of her village?) if she does, her issue might be with him, not you. As for you, this all seems gratuitous. You had no need to confront her on this, and injected phantom sexist meaning into the phrase only makes it worse. Separately, how would you feel if in 30 or so years, when you're wanting somebody to take of you, this same friend said s
    via Zealousideal-Law-513

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opinion Babies aita toddler kids childfree am i the asshole parenting controversy Reddit mom
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