'I don't need to buy [my coworkers] gifts': Employee refuses to participate in Office Secret Santa, gets into conflict with HR

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Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Nov 30, 2023 8:00 AM EST

Now that it's the Holiday season, we are unfortunately subjected to that time of year when we have to get gifts for more people than we'd like. The idea of having to participate in an annual Office Secret Santa on top of all that other shopping is truly too far. Thankfully, I have never been asked to participate in one, and honestly, thank goodness. I'm not quite sure what I've done in my life to deserve that luxury, but I'll take it. Knowing myself, if I were pressured to be a part of an Office Secret Santa, I would begrudgingly do so because I'm one of those people pleasers who will never learn. My hat goes off to this Redditor, who took a stand against HR. 

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  • 01
    made in Santa's Workshop
    via Samuel Holt

  • This thread was posted to Reddit's r/AmITheA**hole subreddit by u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse, who refused to be a part of the Office Secret Santa this year. Part of the reason was that OP wouldn't even be able to attend the gift exchange as she will be on vacation. Of course, HR came up with an alternative solution for this, which OP still rejected. Good on them! Keep scrolling below to see what happened next and for the best reactions. When you're done, take a look at this list of times employees got their bosses fired.  

  • 02
    AITA for not participating in my office Secret Santa? I (30F) work in an office of 30 people. I started working for them during the I worked from home fulltime until the beginning of 2023 when it became required to come into the office 2 days a week. Most of my job is client-facing, so I'm on the road quite a bit and am only in-office on average 3-5 hours a week. I'm friendly with everyone in my office but am not friends with any of them. I've never spent time with any coworkers outside of work
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 03
    Every year my office does a Secret Santa where everyone fills out a survey of gifts they'd like to receive, HR picks givers and recipients randomly, and then you buy your recipient a $50 gift. My manager (~50F) reached out at the beginning of November to asked me to fill out the survey for Secret Santa. I told her that she did not need to include me, as I'd be out of town for our Christmas party (the week between Xmas and New Years,) which she had approved.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 04
    She told me it was fine and I could bring the gift for my recipient before I left and then I'd receive my gift when I returned. I told her I am not going to do that, and that she should just exclude me from the gift exchange. We've been going back and forth this whole month.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 05
    She cornered me in the office this week to ask why I wouldn't participate. I told her the truth, which is that I am going on a vacation between Christmas and New Years with a few of my girlfriends as a joint celebration of our recent 30th birthdays. It is an expensive trip, I've been saving up for a long time, and I am trying to save money for the trip.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 06
    Not to mention I typically live paycheck to paycheck around the holidays already to be able to afford gifts for my nieces and nephews, who I love dearly and actually WANT to buy gifts for. Well, she DID NOT like this answer and told me that I am being selfish and that it's only $50 for a gift to show my coworkers that I care about them, and that in this office we are a family.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 07
    This is where I could be the I told her that while I like my coworkers just fine, I don't need to buy them gifts because they are not my loved ones. $50 could cover a manicure before I left for vacation,
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 08
    a souvenir while I'm there, part of a nice dinner, or any number of gifts for my family or friends, neither of which my coworkers are. I also told her it was wildly inappropriate of her to keep pushing this with me, as she has no idea what my financial situation is and if she kept asking me about it, I would be going to HR to file a complaint.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 09
    I went into the office again today to take care of a few things before Thanksgiving weekend, and EVERYONE is giving me the cold shoulder. My manager is a huge gossip and I know she told everyone what went down between us. My surprise comes from the fact that most of my coworkers seem like rational people who would understand where I'm coming from and not judge me for not participating. The fact that they are acting like this has me wondering, AITA?
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 10
    Boddokki 6 days ago Enthusiast [7] WOW. This is wild... definitely NTA though the HR rep is!!! Can you report HR to HR for harassment?! Also.... this line: > everyone fills out a survey of gifts they'd like to receive So... you tell your secret santa what you want... how is this showing your co workers you care about them...? How is it even FROM someone else at this point? It becomes purely an exercise in logistics. 447 Reply Share
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 11
    VeronicaSawyer8 6 days ago NTA. And am I crazy for thinking $50 is pretty extravagant? Any office I've worked in is like $25 tops 295 Reply Share
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 12
    (Co lil_red_irish 6 days ago . ΝΤΑ Your manager however is, and you should speak to HR. Secret Santa should always be voluntary, not forced. If work requires you to do it, then they should pay you extra to do so. 130 Reply Share
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 13
    Relevant Birthday516. 6 days ago Aficionado [16] Nta, document everything that happens and prepare to gave to defend yourself at HR level if necessary. The ONLY way you would be the AH here is if you'd signed up to receive a gift but never sent one. Choosing not to participate at all is fair enough.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 14
    Individual_Complex_6. 6 days ago NTA. Your manager is, especially for telling the others.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 15
    Azraeana 6 days ago I hate offices like this. NTA. I feel for you - I had similar issues with baby showers at my last company. I had just found out I couldn't have children and was dealing with bad I. They kept asking me to join in for baby shower gifts (their goal for 25 employees was to buy a car seat and stroller and wanted to get around 2k for gifts and catering). I didn't contribute and I didn't attend.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 16
    TYJerry 6 days ago ΝΤΑ I'd be interested in hearing a comment from someone with labor law experience, but I don't think it's legal (in the U.S.) to force someone to participate in a Secret Santa. It would be an unreimbursed business expense.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 17
    It's debatable whether it's even a good idea to do a Secret Santa voluntarily, because office culture pressures can lead people to do feel they don't have a real choice as to whether to participate. I'm surprised that HR manages this, but they should be informed that
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 18
    I would add that you didn't owe the Manager your reasons for not participating. No is a complete sentence, and it's none of her business.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse
  • 19
    Pressure to participate followed by retaliation on her part is a serious matter. You should definitely have a conversation with HR; she's way out of bounds.
    via u/ntlikeothrgrlsimwrse

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terrible coworkers christmas aita gifts workplace-stories work stories toxic-workplace job work coworkers Secret Santa toxic-boss Office human resources Horrible Bosses reddit thread Reddit holidays toxic-work-environment happy holidays
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