‘You have to be more Chinese at your wedding’: A Friendship Goes Haywire After Chinese-American Friend Attempts to Push his Culture Onto his Friend's Wedding

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    Posted by u/Hour-Temporary-2406 13 hours ago AITA for telling my friend to stop pushing his culture at a wedding?
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    This involves me, my friends "Aya" and "Zach." We are all early 30s and have been friends since high school.
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    Aya was born in China. She was abandoned as a baby and nearly died in an orphanage before being adopted and raised by an American family. Aya considers herself American and is firm that due to her traumatic experience with China, she has no desire to "be Chinese" or explore the language and culture
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    Zach is also Chinese and the son of wealthy business owners. He is very proud of his culture.
  • 05
    Background: A few years ago at dinner, Zach took Aya's fork and knife and told her she needed to eat with chopsticks. I immediately stopped him and made him give her silverware back, wondering that was about.
  • 06
    Later, Aya told me Zach had decided she needed to be “more Chinese" and was pressuring her to engage with Chinese language/culture. Zach apologized, Aya let it go.
  • 07
    Current situation: Aya asked me and Zach to help plan her wedding. Zach suggested Aya wear a qipao, have red as a wedding color, no white dress, serve Chinese food, etc.
  • 08
    I pulled Zach aside and told him Aya has been very clear she does not want a Chinese wedding, stop forcing it. Please just follow what Aya wants. Chinese culture is lovely, but this is not the time or place.
  • 09
    Aya was grateful and thanked me for reining Zach in, because she was having a hard time confronting him. Bridal party and most friends agreed.
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    However, Zach and some others are upset, saying Zach has the right to express his culture and make suggestions, Zach feels lonely and there are not a lot of other Chinese people around, Aya IS Chinese so not a big deal.
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    Now, I'm not anti-Chinese. Zach and I actually met in Chinese class and enjoy doing Chinese cultural things together. I am from a different culture myself. I know it's hard. When Zach marries, I will support him having a Chinese wedding.
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    But Aya has trauma around her Chinese roots and considers herself American. She DOES NOT WANT Chinese traditions. I support Aya in having an American wedding.
  • 13
    I refused to apologize, and Zach is more upset. I understand Zach loves his culture but I don't think he has the right to push it at Aya's wedding. AITA?
  • 14
    EDIT: Sorry folks, I think I was unclear about it. Aya and Zach are not getting married to each other. Aya is marrying an American and Zach and I are just helping to plan the wedding.
  • 15
    Edit: Answered and NTA. Sorry but it sounds like Zach has some real issues and needs to stop inserting his culture into Aya's personal life just because she happens to be of the same ethnicity. It's really innapropriate and I personally would not want a
  • 16
    personally would not want a friend like that who cannot respect these things. Ngl it almost sounds borderline racist. "You're Chinese so you MUST wear a qipao!” Like bruh, it's HER wedding! Zach needs to stay in his own lane.
  • 17
    RosyAntlers 11 hr. ago NTA, and why would anyone think Zach has the right to any opinion about someone else's wedding? Aya needs to tell him thanks but no thanks for his "help".
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    NandoDeColonoscopy • 7 hr. ago I assume he thinks he gets an opinion on the wedding since he's being asked to plan the wedding. I have no idea why she'd ask
  • 19
    idea why she'd ask him when she knows how he feels, but here we are.
  • 20
    -Mr-Prince · 1 hr. ago This is actually my first question as well! Like why would Aya ask Zach to be involved in planning when he has a history of doing this? This
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    "Hey, look, here's a guy who has repeatedly tried to force me to do things that make me extremely uncomfortable.
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    uncomfortable. He'd be a perfect person to help me plan my wedding! What could go wrong?"
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    Hour-Temporary- 2406 OP. 7 hr. ago So the "be more Chinese" incident was a few years ago. Zach apologized, admitted he was
  • 24
    admitted he was wrong, and didn't do it again...until now. Lol
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    Aya wanted his help because he's good with food and decor. She was clear about what she did and didn't want. I think she genuinely didn't
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    genuinely didn't expect the "BE MORE CHINESE" to suddenly recur for her wedding after all those years.
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    Taegeukgies 10 hr. ago it' especially interesting because do they even know which part of China she's from? There's so many different cultures in China, with their own traditions and traditional dress, so why assume the
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    dress, so why assume the one Zach's pushing is even the "correct" culture?
  • 29
    They might know, just from where in the country she was found, but still. "Chinese" culture isn't really a thing, it's so large and diverse.
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    with that mindset. Females are seen as 'less than' even more so than in western cultures. And its quite a bit more out in the open.
  • 31
    Zach probably doesn't even realize that, culturally speaking, he's treating Aya that way. Because THAT is part of the culture.
  • 32
    As stated, Aya may be of Chinese descent, that however does not mean she has to identify as Chinese and that is a distinction Zach MUST accept.
  • 33
    StonewallBrigade21. 12 hr. ago Professor Emeritass [81] Zach steamrolls her to the point where they have never once been to a restaurant of her choice, only Zach's.
  • 34
    He doesn't sound like anyone I'd want to be friends with. I bet there's a lot more toxic stuff he does that you didn't mention.
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    Hour-Temporary- 2406 OP 12 hr. ago You'd be correct.
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    StonewallBriga de21 12 hr. ago Professor E….. Why stay friends with him? Is he overall worth it?
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    RayTX 13 hr. ago Partassipant [4] ΝΤΑ Zach needs to ... off and mind his own business.
  • 38
    writinwater 13 hr. ago Partassipant [1] NTA. Zach's right to swing his fist ends where someone else's nose begins. No one's stopping him from "expressing his culture." He's just not allowed to use Aya's wedding as a
  • 39
    use Aya's wedding as a vehicle for that expression against her wishes.
  • 40
    Odd_Task8211 · 13 hr. ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [41]] NTA. Zach is welcome to all, the Chinese culture he wants when he plans his own wedding. Anya has made her wishes clear nd should not be bullied into something Zach wants
  • 41
    Zach is TA for not being able to take "no" for an answer. It sucks that he's lonely and I understand the desire to have someone to share his culture with, HOWEVER, Aya is not the solution to his problem.

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