My Dating Nightmare: Explosive Diarrhea Disaster On Halloween

  • Bryce and I met after conversing via text throughout quarantine...


    Throughout the duration of the quarantine, I had been chatting with Bryce, a 42-year-old marketing executive I met on Bumble. I decided to leave the city when it was obvious COVID wasn't going anywhere for quite some time, but Bryce and I continued to converse via text somewhat sporadically.

    I returned to my apartment in early October and Bryce suggested we finally meet in the flesh.

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  • Our mutual obsession for Halloween made a haunted house the perfect date spot.

    Facial expression - WE LOVE HALLOWEEN

    After discussing our mutual obsession for Halloween we decided to have dinner and attend the opening night of Blood Manor, a haunted house in NYC.

    We dined al fresco at a charming spot in Little Italy complete with some fried calamari, vodka pasta, and a bottle of Montepulciano then headed a few blocks south to the spookfest.

  • Bryce went to get us some water while I waited in line to enter the haunted house.


    There was quite a line when we arrived at the haunted house and because of the COVID safety measures, we were going to be waiting for a while. Bryce and I were both thirsty, so he said he would try to find an open deli or bodega to get us some refreshments.

    I waited in line for Bryce to return…

    And I waited…

    …and I waited some more.

  • I waited, and waited and... waited for him to return, but with no luck.

    Photo caption - OH NO YOU DIDNT

    I was getting quite close to the front of the line and shot Bryce a text inquiring as to his whereabouts.

    "I will be back shortly. Everything closes so early now so I had to go to the 7/11."

    When I was at the front of the line Bryce was still on his quest for water so I stood aside to allow people to go ahead of me.

    Another 20 minutes went by. I checked the location of the 7/11 closest to me and it was only three blocks away.  

    Am I being... ditched?

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  • Turns out, Bryce was having a bit of a bathroom emergency...

    Hair - - GRVE UM...

    I shot Bryce another text letting him know that I was at the front of the line, hoping for an explanation.

    "I'm so sorry, my stomach just took a turn for the worse and I'm trying to find a bathroom. This is really embarrassing. Can you ask if they have one there?"

    The haunted house had no bathroom and because it was after 11 PM, restaurants were no longer open.

    I waited for a while longer and asked Bryce if he wanted me to call an Uber to get him home.

  • The poor guy's gastrointestinal system had utterly failed him.

    Forehead - OFOX 2017

    "I don't think I'm going to make it home. I went back to the 7/11 to ask if there is a bathroom I can use but now there are like 30 people here. I am literally about to sh*t my pants." 

    Around 45 minutes after he left the line, alas, Bryce returned.

    He blushed in humiliation when he revealed that he had to sneak into the office of the 7/11 and was able to use the bathroom.

    Poor guy!

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  • He briefly returned, and we finally entered the haunted house. A few minutes later, he made a dash for the exit...


    We finally entered the haunted house and I flirtatiously held onto Bryce's forearm as masked zombies, clowns, and other various creatures of terror pounced from every direction.

    Suddenly, Bryce broke from my grasp and was full-on sprinting through the house, essentially pummeling every goblin that stood in his way with his stout 6'4 frame.

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  • But his explosive diarrhea got the better of him and Bryce sh*t his pants right there, in the middle of the haunted house.

    Nose - It's coming out of me like lava!

    Apparently, the scariest thing about this evening was Bryce's gastrointestinal system.

    Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Bryce shit his pants right in the middle of the haunted house.

    When I finally emerged back onto the street of NYC, Bryce was nowhere to be found, but I got a text telling me that he went back to the 7/11 because his stomach – yet again – had failed him.

  • It was time for us to go home and end my diarrhea disaster date.

    Adaptation - I'm gonna go,

    Thinking that he might want some privacy I told him I was going to head home, but not before assuring him that 'we've all been there.'

    Other than the unexpected bout of diarrhea, I very much enjoyed my evening with Bryce and we DO plan on going out again next week. Hopefully, no one shits their pants.

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my diarrhea disaster date.


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