‘Your kids could spend a few years without you”: Married Man Discovers He Has a Child From Ex Girlfriend, Child Demands He Ditch His Current Family to be With Them Instead

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Feb 11, 2024 2:00 PM EST

Sometimes, people make decisions that defy logic, gravity, and common sense. When you're young and stupid, you just can't fathom what will affect you later, or even how. Whether it's impulsively quitting a stable job, overspending on frivolous purchases, or engaging in risky behavior, these choices can have lasting consequences. Driven by emotion or influenced by peer pressure, individuals may overlook the potential downside of their actions. Yet, amongst the chaos, this creates a rich and hilarious life for all of us to lead, and look at from afar. Sometimes our decisions in the past come back to haunt us, even if we didn't do anything wrong (or at least we didn't know it at the time). This can be a trauma to discover, or it could bring a new perspective to your world. 

Discovering you have a child you didn't know about can be a whirlwind of emotions. Shock, disbelief, and confusion may give way to a mix of fear and excitement. Navigating this unexpected journey requires courage, honesty, and at the very least, to take the punches as they roll. 

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  • 01
    Posted by u/PersimmonOk1678 11 hours ago AITA for telling my daughter it's unreasonable to expect me to spend all my time with her?
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 02
    When I (36M) was in college, I dated Margot. In our sophomore year, she transferred to a different university, causing our break up. It was amicable but given our different paths, we lost touch. I've now been married to my wife, Cathy, for 10 years. We have 3 children: a 9 year old boy, 8 year old girl and a 2 year old girl.
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 03
    Last year, I got a friend request on Facebook from Margot. Shortly after accepting, she messaged me and asked if we could talk on the phone. I found it weird but something told me to go through with it. So, I called her and she told me that she had a 16 year old daughter, Paige. I was in shock and at first almost didn't believe her. She begged me to at least
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 04
    take a DNA test. After speaking with Cathy, I agreed. Turns out, it's true, I do have a 16 year old daughter who's lived just an hour from me her entire life. Margot says she didn't tell me as she thought she could be a mother on her own. But now Paige was older and wanted to know me. I agreed to start a relationship with
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 05
    her. At first things went pretty well. We did a lot of stuff one on one as well as some things with my wife and other children. Initially, Paige wanted to spend a lot of time just us, which made sense as we had a lot of catching up to do. I see Paige at least once a week. She usually comes down to stay with us every other weekend and I'll go up to see her on the weeks in between, just
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 06
    me, not the rest of the family. While I love my time with Paige, I do also have to balance time with my other kids. Something she doesn't seem to understand. I'll invite Paige to join family things and she'll turn it down. Or, she'll find out I'm doing something with one of the other kids and want to come along or ask me to cancel
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 07
    the plans to spend time with her. The biggest incident came this past weekend. My son had a basketball game. Paige asked if I could come hang out with her. I explained why I couldn't but said she was more than welcome. She got irritated and said no. I offered to come up the following day. She asked why I couldn't just blow off the basketball game. I told her that
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 08
    it was important to her brother. She said I had more time with them and they can "do without me for a few years". I told her that absolutely was not going to happen. I said I love her. I want to spend time with her, but I also have other kids to consider. She is always welcome to join our activities that aren't special one on one days, and I'll always make sure
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 09
    I spend one on one time. She said she never asked for little siblings and while I sympathized, I said they exist and I have to balance everyone. I said if she doesn't want to hang out with the other kids and my wife, that's fine, but expecting me to blow them off isn't reasonable. Now, she's very upset with me.
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 10
    I have offered therapy. She refuses. I've asked if there's anything my wife or other kids did. She says no, she just doesn't want to share me. She still claims that I should put her above her siblings. I can't do that. AITA?
    via u/PersimmonOk1678
  • 11
    Swimming-Fix-2637. 10 hr. ago NTA. She never asked for siblings but you never asked to have a daughter hidden from you for 16 years (though that's not her fault but her mothers.)
    via u/Swimming-Fix-2637
  • 12
    You've shown a lot of care and compassion but you are correct that you have to balance everyone. You were correct to tell her that you aren't going to dump your family for her and I agree with you that she could use some therapy.
    via u/Swimming-Fix-2637
  • 13
    I would get therapy. Make those appointments, pick her up and the two of you can be in therapy together for your one- on-one time. I think it would help a lot for a neutral third party to assist her in navigating
    via u/Swimming-Fix-2637
  • 14
    this new relationship and its complications. Reach out to her when there are family events that you can bring her to. Invite her every single time. Let *her* be the one to decide whether to engage with your family or not but keep offering.
    via u/Swimming-Fix-2637
  • 15
    She's going through a lot and I think it's really lovely of you to accept her so quickly and try to integrate her into your family, just don't give up.
    via u/Swimming-Fix-2637
  • 16
    Grumpy_Troll 9 hr. ago Aficionado [10] though that's not her fault but her mothers. I agree OP is NTA here. But I don't think the daughter is either. She's a victim to. There is one AH
    via u/Grumpy_Troll
  • 17
    and villian in this story and it's Margot. I actually don't understand how as a society we even normalize hiding a child from a father to the point where it is even considered an option for a women
    via u/Grumpy_Troll
  • 18
    in any case other than those that involve fleeing domestic violence. At the very least Margot should be a social pariah for what she's done and a part of me even thinks this should be felony crime akin to kidnapping.
    via u/Grumpy_Troll
  • 19
    mrcatboy · 8 hr. ago Partassipant [1] Given how there's few details here I think it's unfair to make such assumptions about Margot, TBH.
    via u/mrcatboy
  • 20
    That said, this is definitely an unconventional situation and I think anyone would struggle with trying to reconcile such conflicting needs and feelings. I think the OP is
    via u/mrcatboy
  • 21
    doing a great job of trying to manage his familial responsibilities and relationships and he's balancing things out well.
    via u/mrcatboy
  • 22
    Poor Paige though. She definitely wants more love and guidance from her dad and it sucks that she can't get an equal amount of it as her brothers and
    via u/mrcatboy
  • 23
    sisters did due to these circumstances. I wish everyone the best. NAH, OP.
    via u/mrcatboy
  • 24
    My Poor Nerves. 9 hr. ago I bet she's feeling very "You have to make up for the sixteen years you missed of my life" right now, but as that's something OP will never be able to do. there isn't really anything that can be
    via u/My_Poor_Nerves
  • 25
    done except help her manage that feeling. Therapy seems to be the only solution here.
    via u/My_Poor_Nerves
  • 26
    -Whitequeen 9 hr. ago You gave solid advice to op. The 16 year old is misplacing her anger and frustration towards the lack of her dad in her life until recently, however is not OP's ir his family's
    via u/-Whitequeen
  • 27
    fault and neither is this teen but the mother who hidden them from each other (hopefully the mother has been honest with the teen and not lying throughout the years "about dad doesn't want to be here"). However we don't
    via u/-Whitequeen
  • 28
    know that and op won't know it either until extensive convos and therapy are involved. Op, you are the adult, the parent in this relationship with the newly found daughter, you are doing
    via u/-Whitequeen
  • 29
    phenomenally in terms on how you described your navigation in this new found presence of a nearly adult daughter. However you need to step up and say that as a father you will be taking her with you to
    via u/-Whitequeen
  • 30
    family therapy as a way to help you both bond and work on the missed 16 years of her life, that's not just a new situation for her but for you and your family as well.
    via u/-Whitequeen

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