Mother bans playdates after 12-year-old refuses to include her 4-year-old sister, gets called out for her lazy parenting: 'Mom just wants big sister to babysit'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Mar 29, 2024 1:00 PM EDT

My sister and I have a pretty tiny age gap. We are solid two years and four months apart in age, and that meant we spent a lot of time playing together as kids. Often, her friends were my friends, and my friends were her friends, too. We had neighbor kid friends who were also sisters; one was a year older than her, and the other was a year older than me, and we were literally the perfect friend group. 

While we had fun together, there were many times when we needed a break from one another. As the older sister, it's no fun to be trying to hang out with your friends when your younger sibling can't get the hint that they're not wanted. That's annoying when they're two years younger, but it would be so much worse if they were eight years younger, which is precisely what is happening to the niece of this Redditor. 

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    020 r/AmltheAsshole u/Zestyclose-Salad-252 16h • AITA for telling my sister she was lazy for banning playdates?
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    I (40m) was on the phone with my sister (35f), im childfree by choice she had two daughters (12f and 4f).
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    She was venting to me about how playdates were getting to be a "pain in the "because 4 year old wants "in" on big sisters playdates, and she can't stand the "whining and crying" that ensues when 4 year old doesn't get to "play" with them.
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    Obviously big sister understandably wants time alone with her friends, my sister thinks her older daughter and her friends getting a "break during little sisters nap time" is enough and she should let her play with them the rest of the time, because she feels she "shouldn't have to referee."
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    She told me she informed her eldest that playdates are banned until she and her sister can "work it out" because she's "sick of the fighting" and "she's older and shouldn't be arguing with a 4 year old."
    via u/Zestyclose-Salad-252
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    I told her this "solution" is leaving her at the mercy of a 4 year old, because a 4 year old can't "reason" and is unable to see past their own wants, so 12 yr old solution is to give little sister her way or not see her friends and that's bull and I told her so. I said "a playdate is supposed to be an experience for your child, not a break for the parent." And called her lazy and that it's her job as the parent to teach her 4 year old boundaries, not her 12 year olds to "work it out."
    via u/Zestyclose-Salad-252
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    She said I don't know what I'm talking about because "I'm not a parent" and I shouldn't "judge" her. AITA because I'm a clueless CF man? Is there something I'm missing here? I know she's overwhelmed but I feel this is more her job than her 12 year olds
    via u/Zestyclose-Salad-252
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    No_Mathematician2482 16h Aficionado [11] NTA In no world ever should a 12-year-old have to accommodate a 4-year-old when they want to hang. out with their friends. Calling it a play date at 12 is also very strange to me. I am a mother of 6 kids, I never expected my older kids to stop their life to deal with the younger kids. Reply 7.5k
    via u/No_Mathematician2482
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    idreaminwords • 16h Supreme Court Just- [118] Sounds like mom just wants big sister to babysit little sister ... 2.9k
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    This. Stabby_77 15h I've never liked children and for some reason never had a problem with making myself very vocal on that point even when I was a kid myself. When I was young, my cousin used to constantly get shunted with watching her mom's friend's daughter every time they would come visit, because the adults wanted to chat and smoke and drink without any of the kids around and she was too young to be unsupervised. They tried to do that once when I was there (have us both watch her), and I ba
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    I don't know if it's growing up in a small town, or growing up in low income housing that was almost exclusively single mothers with children, but it was far too common that anytime parents got together the kids would be told to basically 'go play', because the entire thing was just a reason for the moms to get a break from their kids. I honestly couldn't care less when I was young, I spent my childhood pretty much in the woods looking for animals, but there was no way I was going to allow a tag
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    The other version of this I saw a lot growing up was older sisters and brothers being shafted with looking after their younger siblings all the time. I understand in the past when birth control was not a thing how something like that would be necessary, but it actually irritates me to no end when I see people continue to have children they don't have time to take care of because they just thrust the onus onto their older children and effectively usurp their childhoods. A lot of the girls I know
    via u/Stabby_77
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    BiddyInTraining • 15h My parents passed me off to my sister like this (she's 9 years older) - I think of my sister like my mom and have actually skipped up and called her mom and her husband dad several times over the years (including recently and I'm 42). She was parentified and we can buy look back on it now and see how wrong it was. She tells me she's glad she had me as her first kid, but I know it wasn't fair to her. Her friends are like big sisters and brothers to me. It wasn't fair to them
    via u/BiddyInTraining
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    HellhoundsAteMyBaby • 15h My brother was like this with me (he's 8 years younger). My parents were going through their on/off divorce and I was the de facto babysitter. I basically was the only constant in his life and second mom figure. I have an incredibly strong bond with him, that's my little guy (even though I'm 31 and he's almost 24 now) but once in a while I would liked to have hung out with my friends or did something, literally anything, without him tagging along. I mean... he came with
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    tiredandbored37 • 16h Partassipant [4] NTA. It's not a 12 yo responsibility to entertain her 4 yo sister because their mother is too lazy to parent. No 12 yo wants to force their friends to hang out with a preschooler. This is all common sense and doesn't require you to be a parent to understand. You were 12 at one point, too, and probably know you wouldn't want to have to include a preschooler when hanging with your friends. There are a lot of situations that don't require you to be a parent to
    via u/tiredandbored37
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    milkandsalsa • 15h 12 year old is old enough for a drop off play date. 4 year old should play with other 4 year olds or have special alone time with mom (or dad). 310
    via u/milkandsalsa
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    LittleBillyBumbler • 16h Imagine telling a group of 12 year old girls that they have to play with a 4 year old. As if the play style and conversation of 12 year olds is the same as a 4 year old. These girsl are not the babysitter. That mom is out of line. YNTA Reply 822
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    Agreeable-animal • 15h Partassipant [1] Yeah the 12 years olds at that age are less playing and more hanging out ← 156
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tweens hanging out babysitter toddler mother toddlers sisters bad parenting parenting babysitting preteen sister little sister mom tween Parenting Fail playing
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