‘Deal with it’: Husband Refuses to Give His Wife a Foot Massage on Her Birthday, She Refuses to Speak to Him

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    r/AITAH 5 days ago throwrawifecrying AITAH for telling my wife to "deal with it” when she got upset at my refusal to give her a foot rub and physical touch on her birthday?
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    Wife's birthday was on Sunday. On Saturday evening, I planned a birthday party for her at a nice bnb and invited our friends and family. She had a good time and thanked me for planning a wonderful party.
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    Om Sunday, I gifted her jewellery and arranged a cake for her. And I thought that was that.
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    I was also tired from basically staying up that night as I have a client project due this week and was working when my wife was sleeping. So I planned to nap on Sunday to make up for how much I worked and squeezing in the birthday plans.
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    However, after we had brunch (with the birthday cake and all) around 1 PM, my wife asked me to put lotion on her feet and kiss her neck as her "real" birthday gift. I said I'm sorry honey not today, I need to sleep. She got upset about this and said I never do the things that she wants for her and thought at least on her own birthday I wouldn't decline.
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    She argued with me and I offered to do it either way but she said she was too upset about it now. I said I felt like she doesn't appreciate how much I do for her and hoped to see an improved attitude from her next time.
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    I was too jaded from that interaction and went to take a hot shower and prepare to sleep in. She was fuming when I came from the bathroom after shower and said she expected me to make it up to her for spoiling her birthday and giving her a lecture when all she wanted was to feel pleasure.
  • 08
    I just waved my hand and told her to "deal with it", and said I was giving her space until she feels better about this and calms down, then went to take a nap. After I woke up after 4 hours, I could see her eyes were swollen (she had probably cried on the couch this whole time) and I felt bad about dismissing her like
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    that. I said I was sorry for being blunt and making her feel bad today. Although I still wanted us to address that I didn't feel supported at all and what we could do to understand each other better.
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    However now she doesn't want to talk to me. It's been a few days and she is still short with me. I don't think it was that big of a deal and it's a weird hill to die on, to the point you won't even talk to your spouse properly who planned a party for you and gifted you jewellery (that she wanted). I feel
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    like she's only looking at things I don't do rather than give me credit and appreciation for things that I do for her. It's really been putting me off from her.
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    EDIT: She wanted the birthday party, she explicitly asked me to plan it for her. I looked at everything from bnb to catering and the guest list. And she wanted me to plan it for her. She wanted the jewellery too. She had expressed it months ago that she loved a particular necklace we didn't buy
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    then, and was overjoyed when I gifted it to her. The only gift I didn't give to her was foot rubs and intimacy because I was physically exhausted and thought the person I married would understand.
  • 14
    adorabletea 4d ago Did you two get married on purpose?
  • 15
    TeachLongjumpin... • 4d ago INFO: Is she generally satisfied with your level/ type of physical intimacy? Because at least from the - post it sounds like it's an ongoing issue...
  • 16
    amesydragon • 4d ago To me, the core of this whole story is her asking for her "real" present. That tells me two things. 1) connecting with you physically is really important to her. For a lot of women, all the gifts and parties and
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    good times feel like foreplay, like a mental lead up to physical intimacy as the cherry on top, and it can feel like heartbreaking rejection to have all that great build up end in a let down.
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    2) the way she phrased "real present" was unfortunately dismissive of all the other nice gifts you'd given her, that it sounds like she asked for. So I can see how that made you defensive.
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    I think the hallmark of maturity is when two partners sit down and really listen to what the other needs. And prioritize protecting each other's hearts, rather than fighting to convince the other and win the debate.
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    So I'd sit down with you wife and rub her feet and hug her and you know, get that feeling of intimacy like you're the only two in a dark corner booth of a restaurant and you're all over each other. Protect her heart by slowing her you prioritize her feelings over being "right"
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    But at the same time, tell her how it hurt your feelings to dismiss all your other hard work by acting like those other gifts she asked for didn't matter. She should be better at verbally appreciating all the hard work you did do
  • 22
    It sounds like you both could slow down and stop debating your own point and really listen to the heart of the other.

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