40+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (August 17, 2024)

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  • 01
    Nate @thenatewolf when you think of a devastating insult like "you would be a terrible detective" but the person doesn't care about being a good detective so it doesn't hurt them the way it would hurt you. 12:09 AM - 2024-07-16 From Earth 4.3K Views 4 16 Reposts 104 Likes 1 Bookmark
  • 02
    дво @bloodfangs im crying + @bloodfangs. 1d 800 this woman on tiktok who lives in new orleans is saying that vampires are real and that they all live in new orleans and i think we should all blindly believe her 823 14K 172K ill 4,6M ☐ <] Violetta @sweetyvioletta - 13h I'm a stripper in New Orleans it might be the 2 27 3 ill 9,1K @cuttyroac 13h MIGHT BE THE WHAT?!! PLS CONTINUE : ]] 1 32 ill 988 1kPingBarbie @Potty Flakes 11h They got her before she finished RIP 2 22 ili 207 ☐ 2:45 PM - 2024-07-1
  • 03
    lyss, esq. @am_yers I wish I liked working a quarter as much as the 80-year-olds in politics 12:08 PM - 2024-07-10 From Earth 266K Views 628 Reposts 38 Quotes 7.9K Likes 145 Bookmarks
  • 04
    joyci @joyci_schecter i'm bisexual because i like lesbian women and gay guys 10:37 PM 2024-07-09-263K Views 1.1K Reposts 224 Quotes 8.5K Likes 387 Bookmarks
  • 05
    jz2 @mixedgrass666 Unfortunately my parents raised me to pursue happiness instead of money. It was the 90s they didn't know yet that one begets the other 1:04 PM - 2024-07-10 17K Views . 37 Reposts 2 Quotes 983 Likes 19 Bookmarks
  • 06
    jackson @from_online_ ok we've got house music, garage music, and even bedroom pop. where's the kitchen? where's the living room music? there are many rooms of the house to explore 2:37 PM 2024-07-09 From Earth 731K Views 303 Reposts 194 Quotes 3.3K Likes 261 Bookmarks
  • 07
    angelRay @angelray2k mom says it's my turn to stun in new photo 10:54 PM - 2024-07-09 From Earth 284K Views 1.5K Reposts 18 Quotes 17K Likes 244 Bookmarks
  • 08
    @soymeii my mom didn't raise a quitter, she raised someone so afraid of failure that they don't even start something 12:04 PM - 2024-07-10 From Earth 4.4M Views 55K Reposts 2.6K Quotes 257K Likes 12K Bookmarks
  • 09
    Mark @MarkMeredith 12h Wake up. New DnD encounter just dropped. DON'T BE HAUNTED BY YOUR CHOICES. eat vegan. 70 1881 PETA Artistic Rendering 9.9K ili 202K
  • 10
    C @chanteshanice_ I noticed that we seek validation the most when we're ignoring our intuition, because we need extra convincing to go against ourselves. 5:03 PM - 2024-07-10 169K Views 1.8K Reposts 112 Quotes 8.3K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 11
    Fossilized Tree Resin @Jamberee13 summoning circle: R Sound of can Opening 7:13 PM 2019-03-12 14K Reposts 212 Quotes 68K Likes 228 Bookmarks
  • 12
    Rafa Sales Ross @rafiews Me writing emails ! 12:02 PM - 2024-07-11 From Earth 255K Views . 977 Reposts 39 Quotes 13K Likes 152 Bookmarks
  • 13
    cheyenne OK @evilvillain1231 Reliefmaxxing by only eating once im starving, drinking once i'm severly parched, sleeping after staying up too long, using the bathroom after holding it for a while, and so on 2:40 AM - 2024-07-11 37K Views 164 Reposts 33 Quotes 1.9K Likes 102 Bookmarks
  • 14
    Sir Fredward, the Some-Knowing @Fredward3948576 I don't know what to do with this many followers. My instincts are telling me to harvest something from you. To extract a resource from you. 12:28 AM · 2024-07-12 From Earth 10K Views . 43 Reposts 500 Likes 14 Bookmarks
  • 15
    Sabrina @neu_rot_ic you catfish on your looks, i catfish on my mental stability. we aren't the same 10:18 AM 2024-07-11.61K Views • 303 Reposts 13 Quotes 1.7K Likes 76 Bookmarks
  • 16
    internet hall of fame @InternetHOF platinumflyer • 18h S 35 Awards I'm not that good at anything. I just do enough to get by. Reply 25.5k rogerthatonce⚫ 13h 57 Awards Then you're good at getting by, not a bad thing at all. 13.9k sm217 • 11h 2 Awards I've never thought of it that way. I'll be happy about it for a while. 3.9k 1:00 AM - 2024-07-11 From Earth 388K Views 2K Reposts 24 Quotes 33K Likes 857 Bookmarks
  • 17
    Gammatrap @BrandonMcCamey Games aren't becoming "more woke". You're just more sensitive and easily offended by you didn't care about at all "back in the day". Metroid came out in 86. If it came out today would the main character being a blonde bad with big shoulders upset you? 10:29 AM - 2024-07-11 From Earth 551K Views 2.3K Reposts 67 Quotes 23K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 18
    Shah of Blah (ਗੋਲੂ) @golubeerji you if I enjoy certain things that you don't like. It's called Dopamine and not Dopayours. 11:42 PM - 2024-07-11 From Earth 16K Views 150 Reposts 5 Quotes 679 Likes 41 Bookmarks
  • 19
    S @propaganda91 Hera @herasyndulla - Jun 1 megan thee stallion and timothee chalamet are the same age and height 22 173 Sabine @sabwren - Jun 1 they have the same middle name too WOW 17 17 2 249 26 7:43 PM - 2024-07-12 From Earth 627K Views . 3K Reposts 142 Quotes 45K Likes 987 Bookmarks
  • 20
    Cheers! @cheers27402373 Having coworkers is like being in an arranged marriage. 11:51 AM - 2024-06-14 99K Views 463 Reposts 26 Quotes 3.3K Likes 88 Bookmarks
  • 21
    Blu⭑ @bluemupp nobody: clocks at 6:50pm: 8:27 PM - 2024-07-10 15M Views . . 22K Reposts 1.1K Quotes 223K Likes 5.6K Bookmarks
  • 22
    an angry opossum @AnAngryOpo... .7h imagine how delicious this would be if you were a robot 68 17822 12K ili 265K
  • 23
    @Whotfismick My goal for 2024 is to achieve my 2023 goals which I wasted in 2022 because I wasn't ready in 2021 due to the 2020 pandemic even though I had set them Likes in 2019 2,083 mrlino_ng Follow 4:00 PM - 2024-07-12 8.5M Views 18K Reposts 1K Quotes 147K Likes 9.7K Bookmarks
  • 24
    Christin @hexprax I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won't stop calling himself "Daytime Arthur” 9:27 PM - 2024-07-13 81K Views 106 Reposts 4 Quotes 3.7K Likes 114 Bookmarks
  • 25
    sahara/gold/ @sahararelic i love clicking on a post and seeing a mutual replied to it. my favorite bug's under this rock 4:23 PM - 2024-07-13 24K Views 230 Reposts 4 Quotes 1.6K Likes 56 Bookmarks
  • 26
    mikaylaTs @timelesslytay "you shouldn't block people for differing political views" i've blocked people for calling a song i like a skip, i will absolutely block for a difference in morals 1:59 PM - 2024-07-14 From Earth 339K Views 3.7K Reposts 108 Quotes 28K Likes 276 Bookmarks
  • 27
    Chris Alsikkan TM @AlsikkanTV the older I get the more I get this 3:04 PM - 2024-07-14 48K Views 128 Reposts 10 Quotes 1.7K Likes 30 Bookmarks
  • 28
    tido bling @its_tiidoo i lose all respect for a t-shirt once i've slept in it 1:14 PM 2024-07-14 From Earth 462K Views 5.3K Reposts 320 Quotes 30K Likes 785 Bookmarks
  • 29
    lizzy w da glizzy @lizanyaaa_ i need to be clipped onto someone's carabiner like a tamagotchi toy 5:02 PM - 2024-07-14 From Earth 44K Views 566 Reposts 22 Quotes 2.7K Likes 91 Bookmarks
  • 30
    al @local_celeb whenever my dog does something bad i remember that i am the one who decided let an animal live in my house so that's on me 1:58 PM - 2024-07-15 13K Views 29 Reposts 1 Quote 562 Likes 7 Bookmarks
  • 31
    carl marks @lethalrejection there's something deeply wrong with me but some of the best produce is in season rn so i don't really care about that 7:45 PM - 2024-07-14 89K Views • 555 Reposts 27 Quotes 3.7K Likes 91 Bookmarks
  • 32
    Dr Artyom Tucović @vor_bokor Drawing a stickman on a piece of paper and immediately getting frightened because you think it's a real guy Nathan @SimpleSiteman. 7h Lol Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays · 22m I taught ChatGPT hypnosis last night. Then I had it test it on me. You have no idea what is coming. No idea. 124 111 846 ılı 39K До Scott Adams @ScottAdamsSays Subscribe No, I won't be sharing the prompts. Far too dangerous. 8:58 AM Jul 15, 2024 1,172 Views 12:02 PM - 2024-07-15 From Earth 65K View
  • 33
    Read Rodge Rodger Sherman @rodger My #1 "younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers. My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved 7:07 PM - 2024-07-15 137K Views 398 Reposts 64 Quotes 4.1K Likes 61 Bookmarks
  • 34
    Austine @theereal_one I pretend not to see people's embarrassing moments SMALLIE @the_smallie. 3d What's your contribution to the society? 11:18 AM - 2024-07-15 1.7M Views 16K Reposts 269 Quotes 69K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 35
    RR Suriel @SurielVazquez Babe I'm not crying I just have a hole in my e through which the sky is visible Supper Mario Broth @Mario Broth Blog. 18h During a sad moment in the ending of Super Mario Sunshine, Bowser appears to have a tear in his eye. However, this is actually a hole in his eye through which the sky is visible. As such, it is merely a serendipitous error that coincidentally fits the mood of the scene. tear? sky cloud sky In reality, there is simply a missing polygon in his eye throu
  • 36
    lolt64 @lolt64 First one to alter the other's speaking mannerisms over time wins GO 5:18 PM - 2024-07-15 61K Views 315 Reposts 76 Quotes 2.7K Likes 189 Bookmarks
  • 37
    callie actually @myfriendcallie Agghhh i want to hang out with them but i feel like theyd be mean to meeee @sovietsoleri⚫ 1d Leonora Carrington. "The 4706th Floor," 1958. 11:16 PM - 2024-07-15 From Earth 357K Views 693 Reposts 3 Quotes 11K Likes 517 Bookmarks
  • 38
    olivia @boygirlwife being in public with ur dad is like "oh don't mind him he's socially inept" and being in public with ur mom is like "so sorry about her she doesn't know about empathy" 5:58 PM - 2024-07-16 2M Views 11K Reposts 1.2K Quotes 119K Likes 7.9K Bookmarks
  • 39
    Daniel M. Lavery @daniel_m_lavery Jane Austen reaching the last chapter of a book: and another thing. I am FINISHED writing dialogue. SICK of it. okay some people got married and others didn't. nobody said anything every again, goodbye 6:40 PM - 2024-07-16 179K Views 532 Reposts 21 Quotes 7.2K Likes 248 Bookmarks
  • 40
    Political Science B.A. @InternetHippo Oh i have a "baby brain?" You mean full of potential? Making new neurons at dizzying speeds? Thank you so much 10:44 AM · 2021-07-26 • 173 Reposts 5 Quotes 2.4K Likes 10 Bookmarks
  • 41
    Corvids Daily @DailyCorvids Nice argument, unfortunately for you I've already portrayed you as the noisy, annoying crow, and myself as the Chad, stoic crow 10:39 AM - 2024-07-17.88K Views 1K Reposts 34 Quotes 7K Likes 477 Bookmarks
  • 42
    Bolt Railway Dog @B_railway_dog. 6h Imao a guy just told me he was a navy seal ok...i didn't ask about your fursona but i guess that sounds cool Likes 465 14 2.5K 34K ılı 509K
  • 43
    Sensory Stories by Nicole @sensorystories_ Undiagnosed autism is everyone thinking you're a complete weirdo Diagnosed autism is telling people you're autistic and everyone being confused because you look "completely normal" 8:15 AM - 2024-07-18 From Earth 81K Views 843 Reposts 54 Quotes 4.7K Likes 344 Bookmarks
  • 44
    richard @richard_normal purchasing a product would feel absolutely amazing right now 5:19 PM - 2024-07-17 25K Views 141 Reposts 4 Quotes 1.1K Likes 14 Bookmarks

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