Man Ignores His Wife's Postpartum Health Issues, Instead Turning Childcare Into A Contest of Who Has It Worse

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Ely Bulnes • Writer and Editor
Sep 24, 2024 8:00 PM EDT

Welcome, women of the World Wide Web. Postpartum issues are no trivial matter. The postpartum period lasts 6-8 weeks, although it can take up to six months or more for the body to recover from growing, nurturing, and birthing an entire human. Women who have recently given birth may experience all sorts of physical issues like pain, fatigue, incontinence, soreness, infections, changing hormones, and insomnia. There are also all sorts of mental issues that may affect women at this vital time. It is important to have a strong and supportive community at this time as well as an understanding partner who is willing to step up while you adjust. 

In our story today, instead of being supported after giving birth, a woman was disparaged by her husband in her greatest time of need. For every difficult day she had, he seemed to make an effort to make sure his day was twice as tiring. Read below to find out how this man-child broke his marriage vows. 

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  • 01
    r/relationship_advice u/BinkiesForLife_05 12h Late 20s . My husband (28M) keeps making childcare a contest between who has it worse, and it's making me (27F) miserable. How do I get him to stop?
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 02
    Background: I've been with my husband now for almost 7 years and we have 3 children, a 4 year old girl, a 2 year old boy and a 5 week old girl. During my pregnancy with my littlest it came to light that I have a heart arrythmia called an RVOT-VT, it basically causes the lower half of my heart (the ventricles) to periodically beat a lot faster than the top of my heart (the atrium). So sometimes I go into
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 03
    ventricular tachycardia, which is a fairly serious issue. Thankfully for me I was put on some medications in pregnancy to try and regulate my heart rhythm, but the downside of these is that my blood pressure sits really low and I'm tired all the time. I also often feel faint, dizzy and nauseous. So being honest I spend 90% of my day feeling really unwell.
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 04
    Despite this I don't let it stop me parenting. Unless I'm actively in VT I just crack on. This means doing all of the normal parenting things and of course housework. I'm breastfeeding our youngest so I'm getting up for night feeds, however I am also pumping so that my husband can help out overnight and do some feeds too. For the first few days of being home my husband was really supportive, and he did the night feeds without any complaint. Now I'm 5 weeks postpartum and he's already making it a
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 05
    most of his day insisting I slept in for "so long" and that I keep pawning the baby off on him. He'll insist he is feeling the worst out of both of us, and that I need to do more. He will rant about it and vehemently insist he's right until I either back down because I'm upset or get so tired of it I just drop it. But he's being vile. I woke up a few days ago for a night feed in VT, I felt horrific. I thought I was going to faint and didn't feel at all safe to hold my little one, because if I lo
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 06
    I keep asking him to stop this. Our parenting shouldn't be a contest over who has it worse, and I don't want it to be either. We can BOTH be tired and rundown, that's just having a newborn. Yet I feel he doesn't take into consideration the fact that my body is still healing and I have a heart condition that makes things harder for me. He seems to think that my body has exactly the same energy as his and
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 07
    that I can just bounce right back and go back to pre-pregnancy and pre-heart disorder at the flick of a switch. I'm literally still bleeding from having her, my uterus isn't even back to its original size, and he wants me to do 100% of everything. When he complains and says he has it worse it honestly makes me want to cry because I feel like I have no support at all. How do I get him to stop this? + 449 131 D
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 08
    No_Performance8733 11h You just made a brand new person with your body. It actually takes a year or two to fully bounce back in my experience. Don't exhaust yourself explaining this to him. Get someone else to do it. I'm completely utterly serious. Reply 832
    via u/No_Performance8733
  • 09
    BinkiesForLife_05 OP · 10h Late 20s I plan on taking him with me to my next cardiology appointment so he can hear from a doctor how my condition affects my body, and also how it affects my postpartum healing (as we were both warned that when my symptoms didn't vanish after birth that this was going to affect my postpartum recovery). ... 479
    via u/BinkiesForLife_05
  • 10
    AmayaSmith96 • 10h I don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds as though he doesn't care and doesn't want to understand. You are an internet stranger to me and I've already acknowledged your condition and can completely sympathise with your experience because I have empathy and I've read what you've written.
    via u/AmayaSmith96
  • 11
    He is actively choosing to ignore what you're saying. Whether he hears it from somebody else probably won't make a difference because he's chosen not to hear and chosen not to acknowledge. It doesn't fit his narrative to acknowledge these things because it means he then has no choice but to step up. By being blissfully ignorant and by ignoring he can put 100% of the pressure/tasks back to you and just assume you'll be fine with it. ... ← 1619
    via u/AmayaSmith96
  • 12
    axepixie • 6h . I 100% agree that he's ignoring it because he wants to, & insensitive because then he can feel wronged & try to guilt trip her further. I do think that there's a chance that hearing from others might help, especially if they're others he thinks are "on his side," like other men, people who will tell him he's right about stuff, etc. I've seen it happen. The big problem is that he doesn't seem to respect or care about OP, & sees anything she needs as an attack on him. That won't ch
    via u/axepixie
  • 13
    Inevitable-Pie1902 • 11h Your husband isn't interested in who has it worse, he's looking for a way to avoid responsibility and shift the burden onto you. He knows exactly how hard things are for you, but he uses competition and sarcasm as a defense mechanism to avoid facing his own shortcomings. This isn't about his exhaustion;
    via u/Inevitable-Pie1902
  • 14
    it's about controlling the narrative so he doesn't have to step up. You're letting him off the hook by backing down and allowing him to dominate the conversation with his self-pity. The harsh reality is, if you don't confront this directly and set firm boundaries, he will keep making you feel guilty for simply needing help. You're already doing far more than your body should be capable of right now— stop trying to match his energy, because his energy is just deflection. Why are you allowing his
    via u/Inevitable-Pie1902
  • 15
    Miasoloraxoxo • 10h I'm so sorry you're going through this-it sounds incredibly overwhelming, and it's heartbreaking that your husband isn't offering the support you need, especially given your heart condition and postpartum recovery. Here are a few steps you could take to address this:
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 16
    1. Have a Calm, Honest Conversation: It seems like your husband is minimizing the severity of your health issues, so it might be time for a serious, calm talk when things are not heated. Lay everything out clearly-how you're still recovering from childbirth, dealing with a serious heart condition, and that you're not feeling supported. Use "|" statements to avoid making him feel defensive, like "I feel really unsupported when you downplay my health issues."
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 17
    2. Get Medical Involvement: If your husband isn't taking your health condition seriously, it might help for him to hear directly from a doctor. If there's a chance to bring him along to your next appointment or have your doctor speak to him about your condition, it could help him understand that this is a real and serious issue, not something to brush off or compete with.
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 18
    3. Set Clear Boundaries: If his constant complaints are wearing you down, it's important to set boundaries. You can say something like, "I understand we're both tired, but this constant comparison isn't helping either of us. Let's focus on supporting each other instead of competing over who's more exhausted."
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 19
    4. Ask for Help: You need support, whether from family, friends, or even a counselor. Sometimes it takes a third party to help mediate these conversations and get to the root of the issue. A couples counselor might help him see things from your perspective and could facilitate a more productive conversation.
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 20
    5. Take Care of Yourself: You're dealing with so much right now, and it's easy to feel like everything's falling on your shoulders. But your health is critical-don't push yourself to the point of burnout just to avoid conflict. It's okay to ask for more help, and if he can't step up, maybe consider other options, like hiring help or leaning on loved ones.
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 21
    You deserve to feel supported and cared for, especially when you're dealing with both the demands of motherhood and your health. Don't let his behavior make you feel less than, and don't be afraid to stand up for your well-being. Sending you so much strength! Reply 23
    via u/Miasoloraxoxo
  • 22
    Hello Junebug ⚫ 10h He's putting his needs over his trust in you. He doesn't care that you're struggling and have a heart condition. He's rather believe you're faking it or being dramatic. I don't see how someone like that cares about you. UPDATEME ← Reply 8 3
    via u/HelloJunebug
  • 23
    ElegantBlacksmith462.11h You divorce him. He broke his vows. He's supposed to be there for you in sickness and in health. He isn't. You'll be better off without him. Reply 14
    via u/ElegantBlacksmith462
  • 24
    Dismal Additions • 10h Your husband didnt just turn into an ahole. He has always been one. So stop coddling him as if he was a child just because he acts like one. Its not your job to make him happy and keep the peace. Who cares if he pouts. Tell him you understand he is tired but you are the one who is under medical care. So maybe he can it up and go feel sorry for himself in another room.
    via u/Dismal_Additions
  • 25
    all you are asking is for him to take care of his children. Heaven forbid you ever need him to take care of you. The only reason some men are shocked by having to take care of their children is because their wives are doing more than their share. Stop it. ... ← Reply зд
    via u/Dismal_Additions

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