23-year-old brother-in-law demands he be served before the 14 children at the family dinner: 'The men slave away in the heat all day so they should be served first'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Sep 18, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

Trad culture requires specific roles to be immutable: men should work, and women should stay home and care for the children. That is a fundamental tenet of being traditional, but a lot of nitty-gritty details need to be worked out within every family that adheres to this lifestyle. Should the wife take care of the bills, or should the husband? Does being trad require a woman to do all the housework, or should the husband help when he can? Honestly, these are questions that need to be asked in every family,  no matter how traditional or untraditional they are. 

One rule/standard I would never even think of is the order of serving dinner. I think it makes sense for the children to be served first, the cook second, and the others last, but that doesn't fly well with a traditional newlywed who takes umbrage with children being served before him. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10405347328
    via Matthew Moloney

    Photo does not depict the real subject in the story

  • 02
    AITA for not serving my BIL before the children, causing a huge family fight? There is a little context needed here so I'm just gonna start with that.
    via u/RareSubstance2543
  • 03
    I(31f) am the oldest of 7 with ages ranging from 18-31. 6 of us have partners/married. 4 of us have a combined 13 children aging between 2 months and 12 years. Our father is still alive but our mother passed away a year ago. We are a pretty traditional family in which women stay home to tend to the home and men go out to work. While we have a family ranch where most of us live on the property and we all pitch in. We also have a weekly family dinner at dads house. I do have to say, because I know
    via u/RareSubstance2543
  • 04
    Now that that's out of the way, I have a new brother in law, Dan(23m). Dan and my sister just recently came back from their honeymoon and have started coming to the family dinners. Dan, being the great family man he is, refused to come to any of them before marriage. I'm not 100% sure why and I never really cared to know. I can't say I really ever liked him, but he had never done anything to cause it.
    via u/RareSubstance2543
  • 05
    So, our last family dinner. We don't put all of the food on the table. We have multiple tables so instead, we fix everyone's plates in the kitchen and everyone comes and grabs it as it's fixed. As such, we alway fix the kids plates first. The first time Dan saw this, he seemed kind of put off by it but didn't say anything. The second time it happened, he spoke up and voiced his frustrations, saying the men slave away in the heat all day so they should be served first, that they were hungry. My d
    via u/RareSubstance2543
  • 06
    The dinner ended pretty quickly after but now I'm starting to wonder if I should have just fixed him a plate to end the arguement.
    via u/RareSubstance2543
  • 07
    Scenarioing "4 of us have a combined 13 children" ---Make 5 of you have 14 children. Your sister has one named Dan. "I'm starting to wonder if I should have just fixed him a plate to end the arguement." ---If you cave and don't nip this in the bud now, he will know he can get away with worse and it will get worse. If he does this kind of thing at the very first family dinner, you KNOW there is worse waiting in the wings. This is just a preview.
    via u/Scenarioing
  • 08
    The ground work for getting him banned should begin now. Tell the others in the family this and what is coming down the pike. Get mutual support to inform the newlywood sister, as a united group, that he is on probation for this outrageous conduct and that she needs to get him to behave or he is out. Which he won't tolerate because how dare a woman or her family tell him what to do. If you are lucky, he will refuse to come. Everyone needs to be prepared for a showdown if he does. If he acts out,
    via u/Scenarioing
  • 09
    Tree Chemistry Plz OP should get a babys bib and pacifier and keep it ready for the next time Dan gets upset at the kids being fed first - OP can whip out the bib and say "Here you go Dan, you we're such a baby last time we got this for you". And also crack jokes about Dan eating at the kids table since he wants to be served first.
    via u/Tree_Chemistry_Plz
  • 10
    PicklesMcpickle They should make sure their sister is safe. He felt comfortable acting this way in front of his in-laws. Imagine how he treats her at home.
    via u/PicklesMcpickle
  • 11
    mugomugicha OP, please get your sister a copy of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. This amazing book lays out all the warning signs of abuse. My ex-husband acted the exact same way as your BIL and I so wish I knew what red flags to watch for. It would have saved me 25 years of misery. That book saved my life. You can also get a free pdf copy online. Please encourage her to read it.
    via u/mugomugicha
  • 12
    Errvalunia Banning him will just give him an excuse to make the sister stay away too, and when your family is married to an AH the least thing you want to do is push your family away. Exactly how much of an AH is he and will he intentionally try to isolate her from family we don't know from just one story, but there's pretty good odds that if he's banned the sister will start skipping. It's really hard to ask someone to choose their family over their spouse-theoretically you're going to love the
    via u/Errvalunia
  • 13
    Play nice but don't give in, I would just take him at his word that he's hungry and ask if they want to bring a veggie tray or cheese plate next time so folks can snack before dinner and won't be starving. Actually take him at his word and try to since his complaint without giving in to his tantrum lol
    via u/Errvalunia
  • 14
    SweetFeedback4177 But being hungry was not the basis of his complaint. He said men slave away and should be served first. This is pure misogyny. He did not say adults need to be served first. He married into a family that have their own beliefs and priorities. A 23 year old has a personality defect if he thinks he can join a large family and dictate how they need to change their traditions.
    via u/SweetFeedback4177
  • 15
    Legal-Challenge7578 No OP, you should not have "just fixed him a plate to end the argument." Dan shouldn't have started the argument in the first place, especially at your DAD's house, when your DAD has already told him to quit it! Your response was the right one, including telling Dan that if you had your way, he'd be served last at every family event. ΝΤΑ
    via u/Legal-Challenge7578
  • 16
    Procrastination4evr 13 kids under 12 and he wants to feed them last? We always feed the sharks, I mean, the kids before getting food for ourselves if we want to eat in peace
    via u/Procrastination4evr
  • 17
    RealityDreamer96 Also they usually take the longest to eat. My siblings all age 8 and under, they start eating good 5-10 min before everyone else and they are the last ones still eating by the time everyone else is done.
    via u/RealityDreamer96
  • 18
    SciFiChickie He practically stated he thinks he's some Alpha male that should be granted priority over everyone else because he's a man. That quote "slaves away in the heat." What the frack does he think the women were doing while preparing their bountiful dinner? His attitude needs to be checked at the door he doesn't get to demanded they change family traditions just because he joined the family by marriage. Absolutely NTA OP your dad an the other men in your family have been a part of the fam
    via u/SciFiChickie
  • 19
    Dadbeyondtheglass NTA: Sounds like Dan doesn't have kids... nobody eats if the kids are hungry. The kids make sure of it for people who don't know. If someone is hungry and complaining, I toss them a fruit so they stfu Children, old folk, woman, man.. that's the order.
    via u/Dadbeyondtheglass

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