'Yes, I am playing favorites': Sweet grandparents get shunned by their entitled daughter-in-law, then she throws a fit when grandma gives away family heirlooms to the other side of the family

Author image for Jesse Kessenheimer
Jesse Kessenheimer • Writer and Editor
Sep 28, 2024 10:00 AM EDT

Everyone plays favorites in the family. You'd be lying to yourself if you said you didn't have a favorite cousin or a favorite uncle, but when it comes to grandparents and their grandbabies, things get a little murky as far as the ethics of actually claiming a favorite. Like your own hereditary children–if you pick a favorite, you'll likely never share your biased opinion for fear of catching a few judgemental looks. 

But the grandparents in this next story rightfully had a favorite–and it was entirely due to the exclusionary actions of their entitled daughter-in-law. 

After shunning them for years out of her children's lives, Grandma and Grandpa were getting tired of getting turned down, belittled, or shoved to the side at every family event. So they stopped reaching out entirely and lost contact with the kiddos. Luckily, their other son was having children of their own and they were included in every family event, saw the grandbabies all the time, and grew very close to their side of the family. You'd think that this would be the happy ending to our tale, but things turned sour when the DIL discovered that the grandparents were giving their favorite grandkids heirloom jewelry. 

Now that presents and gifts were involved, the entitled daughter-in-law was suddenly acting like she wasn't the one who drove the wedge in the first place.

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    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    AITA for playing favorites with my grandkids and when confronted by my DIL telling her that is due to her
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    This post is about my son and Amy (my DIL) they have been married for about ten years and have two kids. They are 10 and 6. At the beginning I really tried to get along with her but she made it difficult. She is not very sociable, and always put her own mom over seeing her husbands side of the family. This is really apparent with holidays and the kids.
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    She always choses to go to her moms for holiday even if I do it on an early day or late day. If I offer to babysit she always tells me she asked her mom or she would get back to me. The time I do babysit or get to hang out with the grandkids she is criticizing everything I do. Usually saying that not how her mom or how she does it.
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    At the beginning my son was trying to fix this but gave up. We see him separately from his wife and kids. I truly don't understand it and I have asked if I did anything wrong but no answer on that.
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    I gave up trying when my other son had kids. It is so much better and I have a great relationship with my other DIL and the kids. The kids are 9 (Ava my step- grandaughter) and 4 (grandson)
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    I gave my Ava a family necklaces, that was my mothers. She loves it and has been wearing it everywhere according to my son. That also includes school which started this issue.
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    My DIL called me up and asked why Ava got a family necklace but her daughter (10) didn't get one. I told her I just wanted to give it to Ava.
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    She got angry and told me I was playing favorite and that her daughter is older so she should have gotten the necklace. I told her that yes I am playing favorites and it is due to her. I pointed out that I
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    do not know her daughter because of her. That her kids will not be getting any of my family stuff because of her. This was a huge argument and she called some a jerk and wanted me to give her kid a necklace. I am doubting myself on this
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    . Basic-Regret-6263 · 9h ago • Professor Emeritass [83] NTA. What does she want you to do, sue for grandparents visitation rights? Oh wait, she wants to keep her kids away from you, but have you give them stuff.
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    Yeah... pass. I'd maybe talk to your son, and say that you find it hurtful when his wife keeps the grands from you but also demands gifts. For the DIL, I'd just ignore the greedy bits, and respond to each gift grab with something like "well, it certainly would be nice to see the kids more, do let me know when they're free to visit."
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    GamesDontStop • 9h ago Partassipant [2] • NTA. It's difficult, but the conversation needs to be steered toward the amount of quality time you're able to spend with your grandkids. She's putting the focus on the gifts that were given when that's the least important part of the relationship.
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    Lazuli_Rose • 8h ago • Certified Proctologist [26] NTA. She has put a distance between you and the grandkids and criticizes and compares you to her & her mom. No one wants to feel like they are constantly being scrutinized and having to compete against someone else.
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    She didn't have any problem with you not seeing the kids until she found out a necklace (valuables) were involved. You could be petty and get some costume jewelry and see how she reacts. She is just hoping to get ahold of some family heirlooms or antiques.
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    mfruitfly 8h ago. Aficionado [16] NTA. You have offered to help with babysitting, you have attempted to schedule holidays so both families can celebrate, and you have asked point blank if something is wrong. That's all you can do, and if they won't
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    engage in solving a problem if one exists, and decline attempts to build a relationships, well that's on them. There may be an underlying issue where you did do something wrong, and you still wouldn't be an AH because they aren't communicating with you.
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    Worse, DIL expects all the benefits of being part of your family without doing any of the work. So again, even if there was a reason for DIL to be distant, there are also consequences for her decision to be distant, and that is she doesn't get to lay claim to your time, possessions, or even love.
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    Lizzydeathstar • 9h ago • Aficionado [12] NTA, as it sounds like you've really tried to be closer with them and she has made it almost impossible. Maybe use this as a catalyst for change though? Tell her you'd love to be closer to your grandkids and would love to have an honest conversation about why she treats you the way she does.
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family drama dads heirloom famiies drama kids brother siblings moms parenting dad story family sibling sister stories parent mom cousins parents
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