Parents celebrate multiple achievements of 14-year-old son with family dinner, face protest from apathetic 16-year-old daughter: 'If she isn't doing anything, then there isn't anything to celebrate'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Oct 10, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

Parenting siblings can be tricky. In an ideal world, everyone would feel like they got fair and egalitarian treatment from their parents, but it often doesn't work out that way. Favoritism can become a problem, and also kids can have such different personalities and interests that it is impossible to take the same approach to each child. It's something that requires planning.

This is something that one frustrated mom had revealed to her recently after her daughter confronted her about her younger brother being the focus of attention. He was celebrated for doing well in school and getting involved in sports and volunteering, whereas the daughter was not as active in these areas. The mom was questioning whether she was in the wrong for telling her daughter that she had to do something worthwhile to be celebrated, and Reddit was on the fence. Maybe the situation could have been handled better.

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    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
     

  • 02
    AITA for telling my daughter she actually has to do things to get celebrated
    via Odd_Importance8932
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    I have a 16-year-old daughter, Katty, and a 14-year-old Jake. Jake is more of an achiever-he's involved in sports, does great in school, and recently won an award for community volunteering. We have been celebrating his achievements, usually with a dinner out
    via Odd_Importance8932
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    Katty, on the other hand, doesn't do much. She hasn't been putting effort into anything lately. She basically just goes to school and then exists in the house-she spends her free time on her phone or watching TV, doesn't have any hobbies or interests outside of her friend group, and doesn't put much effort into schoolwork. This results in her not getting many celebration outside of her birthday. We stopped forcing her to do sport or other clubs when she hit highschool
    via Odd_Importance8932
  • 05
    Katty came to me and said she feels like it's unfair we celebrate Jake, and I decided to have a conversation with her. I sat her down and explained that we love her just as much, but if she wants to be celebrated like Jake, she needs to put effort into something. I suggested she try finding something she's passionate about or work harder in school. That she should make her own goals to work towards. I thought I was being honest but gentle.
    via Odd_Importance8932
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    Katty did not take it well. She exploded, accusing me of playing favorites and said it was unfair that Jake gets all the attention just because he's always doing things. She even lashed out at Jake, telling him that he was "the golden child" and she was tired of hearing about how great he was.
    via Odd_Importance8932
  • 07
    Jake was hurt by her outburst, and now things are awkward between them. Katty has been avoiding both me and her brother since then, staying in her room or giving us the silent treatment. My husband thinks I could have phrased it better, but I believe this was an important reality check for her. If she isn't doing anything then their isnt anything to celebrate
    via Odd_Importance8932
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    Edit: for everyone claiming I never talk or am around my daughter. She literally just went Apple picking with her father this weekend. I am spending almost everyday teacher her how to drive, we went shopping and a spa day earlier this month, her father is teacher how to change tires and how to work basics of the car. That's been happening every weekend for months. Me and her have been watching a show every thrusday with her for months. That's just this month,
    via Odd_Importance8932
  • 09
    Important-Nose3332 NTA. Makes perfect sense to me. Im assuming yall would celebrate her bday, graduation, etc... does she think people are just going to throw parties for her for no reason? She's old enough to learn that's not how to world works. Maybe get her into therapy. Sounds like she's in some sort of woe is me spiral, maybe some outside perspective would help her get on track or at least understand why people who work hard and achieve things get celebrated for them, while people who do no
    via Important-Nose3332
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    Several Razzmatazz51 Maybe you should have said "We'd love to celebrate you - what should we choose?" and see what her answer would be. I've found with teens sometimes it helps to make them confront the core question and try to come up with an answer rather than telling them the answer ("there's nothing to celebrate"). When she can't come up with something, she has the choice of realizing she's not accomplishing anything or asserting that you just shouldn't celebrate Jake's achievements. The for
    via Several_Razzmatazz51
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    Aylauria Obviously, she's a different personality from Jake. I hope that you take the opportunity to celebrate her small achievements - "that was a nice thing you did/you said that really well/I like how you did your hair today" - basically anything that lets her know that you think she has worth too even if she's not the achiever Jake is. She's obviously feeling like the black sheep of the family and I don't think that your response was designed to make her feel love and appreciated. You've got
    via Aylauria
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    tinymi3 so NAH bc this feels like a mismatch of expectations, but it's really worth reframing your perspective. achievements are so subjective. like sure, getting A's and awards are a standard concept of achievement - but so is getting B's, or saving $100, or redecorating your room, making friends or even just being a good friend, putting together an awesome outfit, getting somewhere on time. Everyone is on a different level but it feels like your benchmark of "success" or even effort is the sam
    via tinymi3
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    Instead of pushing her to "achieve" something based on someone else's (her brother's or your) barometer and definition of a goal, you should talk to her about what SHE feels like she's achieved or put effort into recently. Not only would that bring you closer into her world and psyche and help you both realize what she's capable of (or what she wants from her life), but it would develop trust and make her feel valued for who she is - not who you wish she would be or think she should be. It's not
    via tinymi3
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    Impossible-Fruit5097 Yeah, a dumb kid getting a B is way more impressive than a smart kid getting an A. If she used to be in all these activities and just wasn't very good at them then of course she quit if she wouldn't get celebrated anyway.
    via Impossible-Fruit5097
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    perfidious_snatch This is why it's better to celebrate effort rather than achievements - some kids have an easier time achieving than others, and constantly celebrating other kids achievements is hugely demotivating for a kid who's trying their heart out but not getting the same results. It can also lead to the more "gifted" kids not learning to really work for things that don't come easily to them, and when they start to face challenges as adults, can tend to burn out or crash and burn. It's li
    via perfidious_snatch
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    Gertrude_D NTA but... oof. Not all kids are the same. You're essentially telling her that you are measuring her against Jake's yardstick. Each person is different in how they are motivated, their interests and abilities, etc, etc. I get your intention and don't fault it, but perhaps you shouldn't have made a direct comparison (... if you want to be celebrated like Jake ...)
    via Gertrude_D
  • 17
    Typical2sday NAH. You both have a point. Celebrations are for achievements; she needs to pick something to work toward and do it, rather than melt into her phone or TV. Just doing the bare minimum isn't really an achievement, nor meriting a celebration. Say YOU yourself want a celebration. But it to not get attention, and she is telling you your love and affection feel transactional and uneven. Hear that. This breeds resentment with you and with her brother. She sounds like an introvert, and it'
    via Typical2sday
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    Desperate_Green143 YTA I'm a parent of teenagers and the way you talked about your daughter in this post absolutely disgusts me. Your daughter shared her feelings with you and you told her she was wrong. You don't seem to understand how daunting it can be to have those kinds of conversations with your parents and the kind of courage it took for her to tell you. Good luck ever getting that kind of vulnerability and openness from her again. The way your post is worded, it sounds like you as parent
    via Desperate_Green143
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    Are you very old parents? Because it seems like it's been too long since you were teens and have forgotten how emotionally difficult it can be. I had to go pretty far into the comments to see you explain that you (apparently) do things with her like picking apples or teaching her car maintenance. Did you make apple pies with her to celebrate the hard work she did or did you get home from the orchard and not interact with her for the rest of the day? Do you cheer for her when she successfully cha
    via Desperate_Green143
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    Do you actually thank her for doing tasks you've asked of her―even if they are her designated chores—or do you treat her like a robot who followed its programming? Do help her study for the classes she's struggling in or do you let her figure it out herself? Do you take her to dinner to celebrate her doing well on a test she was worried about or do you consider her passing grade the condition of your approval? You need to learn how to understand, appreciate, and celebrate who she actually is, or
    via Desperate_Green143

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aita celebration teenagers siblings parenting argument family overachiever reddit thread daughter Reddit son
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