Man Refuses to Take Care of Elderly Mother Due to Her Terrible Parenting, His Siblings Turn on Him, Calling Him Selfish

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Briana Viser • Writer and Editor
Oct 22, 2024 2:00 PM EDT

There comes a time in most people's lives when they realize that their parents will age, and someone will have to take care of them. Some siblings have the whole plan worked out from childhood; the one who will be the caretaker, the one who might have to take them in, and the one who doesn't want the burden. It's a sad realization, but something that most people have to deal with. It's not easy to watch your parents age, but it's also a natural part of life. 

In this Reddit thread, the original poster (OP) had a rough childhood. He feels that he doesn't owe his mother anything for the way she mistreated him. His two younger siblings feel differently. They're a decade or so younger than him, and by the time they were growing up, their mother had her act together. Even though they don't remember how bad things were, OP does, and he's putting his foot down. But you'll have to read the full story below for all the juicy details. 

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  • 01
    r/AITAH ⚫ 16 hr. ago • Captainc00ts AITAH for telling my brothers I won't be the one be our mom's caretaker
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 02
    I'm one of three boys. I'm 35, brothers are 26 and 23. It started when the 26 year old asked who is going to take care of our mom when she's nearing her end of life. I stayed quiet because I have an extremely strained relationship with our mom.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 03
    When I was 14 my mom cheated on my dad with his best friend, and she kicked him out of her house that she inherited from my grandparents. She was a drug addict, had her car repossessed, couldn't pay her bills so I was doing homework in candlelight and taking cold showers, got beat one time because I found her
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 04
    drugs and flushed it down the toilet in front of her. My junior and senior year, she was dating different guys, leaving at night when we were all asleep and then coming home in the morning after I was awake getting ready for school and getting my brothers up ready for school. She would always say "I had to run to
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 05
    the store real quick” but I would be awake in the middle of the night when she would leave. My mom is clean now but she's a functioning alcoholic. She put my dad into massive credit card debt leading up to their split due to her drug problems. Neither of my parents have a retirement. They don't have any savings. My mom
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 06
    still works at 65 years old, she's a hairdresser. She is going to have to continue working up until her arms and legs won't let her. anymore.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 07
    My brothers have this extremely rose tinted glasses for their childhood. They thought it was amazing. They remember me always hanging out with them, letting them sleep in my room, playing video games, taking them to get lunch and stuff. They didn't see all of the stuff that was going on with our mom because they
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 08
    were too young. They know about everything now, but they don't hold the same resentment for our mom that I do. Because of my strained relationship with my mom, I got a vasectomy. My wife and I don't want kids because we don't want another life to be our responsibility. I've had my fair share of raising kids with my brothers.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 09
    So when I finally told them we don't have any obligation to take care of our parents, they made their decisions and have to deal with them and if they can't. financially take care of themselves that's their problem. I even said whoever wants to move in with mom and take care of her, they can have the house after she dies. I will help by taking her to
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 10
    the grocery store, making sure she has things she needs but I won't take care of her. They called me cold and selfish, and that they knew I didn't have that caretaker mentality. I love my brothers, they are two of the most important people in the world to me, but our mom has been exhausting to have in my life.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 11
    Am I the because I refuse to take care of my mom when she needs end of life care? This post is long and I feel like a jumped all over the place, I'm sorry.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 12
    Update: I sent my brothers this text: To tell me I don't have that caretaker instinct when I took care of you guys growing up, even after I moved out I bought you guys school clothes and stuff. I was there while mom was off around in the middle of the night. I was there taking care of you when you woke up crying
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 13
    because mom wasn't home and I sat with you while you fell back asleep. I woke you guys up in the mornings to help you guys get ready for school. I stayed with you guys while mom and sissy were doing drugs. I watched you over weekends. I fed you lunch's and dinners. I let you guys sleep in my room when we didn't have
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 14
    power because mom couldn't afford the electric bill. I was the only one with a car in the family and I took you guys to and from school while also dropping mom off at work and picking her up while going to college and working. I did my part in taking care of her. I helped raise you guys but you don't see it that way
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 15
    because you were too young. I had to grow up way too fast. So please don't make me feel guilty. because I don't want to be moms caretaker when I feel like I did my part when I was younger taking care of you guys for her. If it was either of you needing caretaking, that's a different story. I parented you guys growing up. I was there
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 16
    a lot when our parents weren't. I love you guys and I don't hold you guys responsible and I would do it all over again if I needed to.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 17
    This was the 26 year olds response: I am not trying to make you feel guilty and wasn't trying to say you didn't take care of us. I shouldn't have said you don't have the caretaker instinct I was thinking of it in a parental aspect, since you literally said you don't have a kid because you don't want responsibility for anyone
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 18
    else. I wasn't trying to make it sound like you didn't take care of us.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 19
    And they left it at that. I'm going to stand my ground. I think I'll also have this conversation with my mom to let her know. My 23 year old brother is her favorite and perfect son, he has the best relationship with her and still lives with her, he said he's already accepted he's probably the one who is going to take care of her. But the next time the three of us
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 20
    are in the same place we will sit down and have a real conversation about why I won't be the caretaker but I'm willing to talk about other solutions. Thank you all to the amazing responses. I probably will seek out therapy, I've never heard of parentification and probably do have a lot of things I need to work out. Thank you all.
    via u/Captainc00ts
  • 21
    modern-disciple • 16h ago • NTA. Tell your brothers that all your caretaker mentality got drained taking care of them as a young child yourself. It's their turn now.
    via u/modern-disciple
  • 22
    Novel Bend3571 • 16h ago • NTA, Your brothers may not see things the same way, but everyone processes family dynamics differently.
    via u/Novel Bend3571

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