'Please run, it sounds like he is already trying to control you': Shady boyfriend asks for girlfriend's social security number 3 months into dating, hesitates to explain why

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 3, 2024 4:00 PM EST

Trust is a slippery thing. You want to trust the people you love, but it takes time. Especially if you've been burned before, it can take a heck of a long time to rebuild your trust in others. Sometimes, this is a bad thing. You close people off from getting to really know you because you're scared that they might hurt you, even if they've given you no reason not to trust them. This is what therapy is good for. But in other cases, it's good not to trust someone. Because you think you might know someone, but you fall prey to their traps, completely unwitting. 

The woman in this story should have found herself in the second category, able to suss out a red flag when it presents itself, but unfortunately, she was too quick to accept her boyfriend's word. Luckily commenters came in to set things straight. Read on for the details.

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    Cheezburger Image 10423162112
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

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    AITA for not sharing my SSN with my partner? My boyfriend of three months asked me (F) for my social security number out of the blue. I said I'd give it to him later and asked him what it was for and
    via u/good-t0-go
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    he wouldn't tell me. Later, he asked me for it again and still wouldn't say why, so I still wouldn't give it to him. The third time he asked, I said I didn't feel comfortable giving it to him unless he told me what it was for. He got angry with me and told me he was just trying to add me to his health insurance since his is better, and now he won't. He's not speaking to me, but I told him I love him and I'm ready to talk whenever. He's not normally like this.
    via u/good-t0-go
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    His insurance is admittedly better, but we had never discussed this previously. nor had I complained about mine. He works in insurance so he's the expert. We are both living comfortably, he more so than me, so I truly don't feel he was trying to commit some sort of financial crime. I can see where he wanted to do something helpful to surprise me and I feel really bad for robbing him of that. I believe he was
    via u/good-t0-go
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    trying to do something nice and I feel really terrible that I hurt his feelings, but I also don't know if that was a fair request to make without explanation on his part. We don't live together but we are dating with intention and quite seriously. I don't know if I was being , if I should be concerned, or if we're both right and just stepped on each other's toes. I'm generally a very level headed person (so is he), I trust
    via u/good-t0-go
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    him and love him, it just felt like a really strange request to make without justifying it and I'm not sure why he wouldn't just tell me what he was doing when it was such a nice thing to do unless he was trying to test how much he can ask for without pushback. I'm happy to apologize if I'm really off base here and to everyone else this was an innocent thing on his part. I feel really nervous about the request and
    via u/good-t0-go
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    even more so about his reaction but I'd love to be wrong. I have trouble standing up for myself sometimes because I'm so eager to keep the peace. I've been working on that but I don't know if this was an overreaction on my part. AITA? And if I'm not, how do I apologize for hurting his feelings while also standing by my decision?
    via u/good-t0-go
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    Important edit: we are from a very religious background (located in the US) and we are intending to get engaged in the next few months, which I feel is important context for the seriousness of the relationship.
    via u/good-t0-go
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    PDK112 • 12h ago . NTA. Big red flags. You have only dated for 3 months - flag 1. You don't live together - flag 2. He didn't talk to you about putting you on his health insurance before hand - flag 3.
    via u/PDK112
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    He refused to tell you why he wanted your SSN number until you asked him 3 times, and only when you told him that you weren't comfortable giving it to him - flag 4. Now he is angry with you, instead of apologizing for being so secretive. - flag 5. The biggest flag is that he could not legally add you to his health insurance since you are not married or civil partners. Dating doesn't count.
    via u/PDK112
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    Please run, it sounds like he is already trying to control you. Also, why are you planning to get engaged to a man you have only been dating for a few months?
    via u/PDK112
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    Live-Ice7323 13h ago. • NTA. This is not normal. Do not share any financial information with him. Unless you have a qualifying event (birth, death,etc) or it is open enrollment you can't just add someone to your health insurance. Maybe he is trying to buy you life insurance...but it doesn't matter. With only three months on this relationship you really should consider moving on.
    via u/Live-Ice7323
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    Artistic_Thought7309 13h ago • • He IS planning to commit financial crime. Three months into your relationship and he is putting you under his insurance? Sorry darling, your SSN is for life. You don't want a person who has just entered your life and with whom you have not discussed or secured a future, to have that information about you. NTA but act carefully with him. I wouldn't trust him.
    via u/Artistic_Thought7309
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    Legiti... . 12h ago Edited 2h ago . NTA you can't even add someone you aren't related to or married to on your insurance so he's lying. (EDIT: I have now learned some states will let you add a domestic partner instead of a spouse so marriage isn't required BUT it takes more than just their SSN to do so. So again, he's lying.)
    via u/Legitimate_Myth_3816
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    I'm a fraud investigator and let me tell you, most people committing fraud appear to be living comfortably from the outside. Because they're living on stolen money. Do not ever give anyone your social security number unless you are okay with that person taking out some form of credit with it. Because that's what's likely going to happen.
    via u/Legitimate_Myth_3816
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    • super_cheap_007 12h ago. A colorblind person could see this red flag in a sea of green, holy smokes... 3 months in and he wants a SSN with no explanation and then gives you the silent treatment when you rightfully won't give it to him? Best case scenario, he's a huge worst case scenario he's got some exciting purchases planned in your name.
    via u/super_cheap_007
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    This is sketchy AF and if your gut has told you some other things he does are "off" you should seriously listen to them. Oh yeah, NTA.
    via u/super_cheap_007
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    Brigid CG 13h ago . • NTA. I smell bulls - he couldn't add you to his insurance just because you're dating, you'd have to be MARRIED for that. He either wants it for some other reason or is just pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with.
    via u/BrigidCG
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    • Glittering_Search_41 12h ago • He's not speaking to me, but I told him I love him and I'm ready to talk whenever. Yeah, no. If he's not speaking to you, don't play his game. Let him not speak, He's a bly, and most likely a fraudster. He picked you because you are nice and easily
    via u/Glittering_Search_41
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    manipulated. Probably love- bombed you in the first three months and is now showing his true colours. Sorry, OP. You love the person you thought he was, not the person he is.
    via u/Glittering_Search_41
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    AltruisticSimple4428 11h ago • NTA. • I work in DV/IPV and I'm just going to tell you that it's a very, very, EXTREMELY common tactic for offenders to take out loans, credit cards, and utilities in their victim's name to get them into massive amounts of debt. You can't leave your offender if you can't afford to- and you can't leave your
    via u/AltruisticSimple4428
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    offender if your credit is too poor to even rent an apartment. This tactic is so common that when I started in this field, we had three days of training dedicated to it specifically, and several more individual trainings. That's because it allows offenders to take control over every aspect of your life and is typically how ab e begins, with the expectation of "trust" (when it has not been earned and is not reasonable) and loss of autonomy. Do with this information what you will.
    via u/AltruisticSimple4428
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    ankapenguino • 13h ago · Three months is NOT long enough to feel comfortable sharing SSNs or sharing insurances. You do not know that man or his intentions well enough yet.
    via u/ankapenguino
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    BridgeontheRiverSigh 12h ago • NTA. I think it's unlikely he is telling the truth. It really doesn't add up. Also, if he is telling the truth even then his behavior is kind of disturbing. He shouldn't be adding you to his plan without first discussing it with you.
    via u/BridgeontheRiverSigh
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    You say "he's not normally like this" and that he's a very level headed person. You've known him for 3 months. That's really not long enough to know what someone is "normally" like or whether they are truly level headed or it's just a facade. This whole thing seems weird. I wish you the best.
    via u/BridgeontheRiverSigh

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