Update: 'Mom changed [my] wedding cake behind my back': Bride forced to confront 62-year-old Karen mother over wedding cake order days before the ceremony

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Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Nov 8, 2024 2:00 PM EST

More often than not, wedding planning results in more conflict than joyous anticipation. What should be exciting and celebratory ends up quickly falling to madness as family members impose unnecessary demands and usurp the event as if it is their own. Sure, perhaps your parents are contributing financially to some of the wedding festivities, but that does not give anyone the right to make decisions behind your back.

Here, we have a bride whose mother fully went against her wishes and ordered a more traditional wedding cake without her daughter's approval. The bride posted a series of updates to Reddit over the course of the wedding planning experience as well as reflections about what she should have done differently after the fact. She points out that if people have controlling family members like her mom, you might as well disinvite them or just elope.

Keep scrolling below for the full story and for the best reactions from folks in the comments section. For more, check out this post about a stepdaughter's tantrum at Disney.

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    Cheezburger Image 10425581312
    via Jason Leung
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    Mom changed wedding cake behind back and doesn't know that I know. What should I do?
    via lollyluwho
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    My fiancé and I get married this fall, and the cake has been a huge point of contention with my mom.
    via lollyluwho
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    Long saga, but the gist is that we wanted a dessert bar or cheesecake instead of a traditional cake. My mom initially insisted on having at least a small cake for just us to cut. We compromised and got quotes.
    via lollyluwho
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    Right before we put a deposit down she decided that having just a cake for us and not for guests is tacky, so we needed to get a sheet cake to serve as well. We
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    were annoyed because she was the one to suggest it, so we cut our losses and opted to do tiered cheesecake and mini cheesecakes, as we originally wanted.
    via lollyluwho
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    My mom would not let this go for the past 6 months. She then decided to focus on pushing for a grooms. cake. My fiancé did not
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    want one. When I told her this, she said it's "really only a grooms cake in name and not about what he wants". I told her a firm no (multiple times because she wouldn't give up).
    via lollyluwho
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    That brings us to this week. I got a text yesterday saying she was at the bakery and paid for the order. I got suspicious because I never included her in those
    via lollyluwho
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    communications. I called the bakery today and was told by a very apologetic employee that my mom had added a multi-tiered "grooms" cake, with different fillings, flowers,
    via lollyluwho
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    the whole kit and caboodle. We still have cheesecake, but I feel like it'll look silly next to what is essentially a wedding cake.
    via lollyluwho
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    My question now is: what do I do? She doesn't know that I know. I'm furious and hurt. Obviously it's just a cake,
    via lollyluwho
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    but it's not really about that now. She went behind my back and crossed multiple boundaries after I told her no. Am I being a bridezilla for not letting her have her traditional wedding cake?
    via lollyluwho
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    UPDATE: Mom changed wedding cake behind my back and doesn't know that I know
    via lollyluwho
  • 15
    Hello, again! A big thank you to everyone who gave advice on my original post. I'm now married and had the best, most relaxing honeymoon. with my now husband without any pesky family bothering us.
    via lollyluwho
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    By the time I posted, it was too late to cancel the wedding due to deposits. and contracts, so it continued as planned.
    via lollyluwho
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    And to clarify: yes, my parents did pay for the wedding, although my husband and I made it clear several times that we did not expect or need
    via lollyluwho
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    them to pay for everything. No, I don't think them paying excuses my mom's actions. My parents reiterated that it was our wedding and we should do what we wanted. Clearly the cake was the exception to this, though
    via lollyluwho
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    she had previously said to get cheesecake if that's what we wanted. My husband and I got a laugh out of everyone's suggestions for how to handle the cake. Initially, I
    via lollyluwho
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    wanted to go the petty route and "surprise" my mom by calling the bakery to change the cake design to something she would find "tacky" that would reflect my husband's hobbies (ya
    via lollyluwho
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    know, like a grooms cake should do). After taking a few days to weigh my options, I knew my desire for petty satisfaction would nuke my relationship with my mom, which had truthfully
    via lollyluwho
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    never had this dynamic up until wedding planning. I knew that she absolutely was the one in the wrong and acting like a child. And while I'm the actual child in the relationship, I wanted to be mature and handle this
    via lollyluwho
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    like an adult, if only for my own moral high ground. I communicated with my parents and listed all the reasons why this situation
    via lollyluwho
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    (and others throughout the wedding planning process) was hurtful and completely out of line. Shock of the century to everyone on Reddit, I'm sure — it didn't go well.
    via lollyluwho
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    There was a series of texts I received from my mom that demonstrated she couldn't take accountability or comprehend that I wasn't mad that she "ruined my wedding by ordering a cake", but rather that she
    via lollyluwho
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    went behind my back knowing it would surprise and upset me on my wedding day. I attempted multiple times to redirect to the actual issue with little success. We ended the conversation with her
    via lollyluwho
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    apologizing for a cake making my husband and me so upset. This obviously wasn't a genuine apology or the main issue, even if she thought it was. She also agreed to move the grooms cake to a meal we
    via lollyluwho
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    had the day before the wedding, which I was fine. with. At this point we were a week out from the wedding and the thought of continuing to press the issue was too much for me to handle with
    via lollyluwho
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    everything else on my plate. I dropped the rope leading up to the wedding so I could refocus on enjoying my wedding as best as I could. I interacted with my mom as little as possible the day of, and our wedding
    via lollyluwho
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    party and coordinator did a fantastic job being a buffer. While I've had some contact with her since, it has dramatically declined so I can get some much needed space. Obviously
    via lollyluwho
  • 31
    we'll need to have some tough conversations, but I'm choosing to spend my time with my new husband (and getting back into therapy!) first. Weddings, man. They really bring out the crazy in people!
    via lollyluwho
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    Oh, and the cheesecakes were a huge hit btw ;)
    via lollyluwho
  • 33
    1 Year Update: Mom changed wedding cake behind my back and doesn't know that I know
    via lollyluwho
  • 34
    I'm baaaack, with a one year update on how my mom changed my wedding cake order without me knowing.
    via lollyluwho
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    People have reached out for an update, and coincidentally I've had several friends get engaged who have similar family dynamics as mine.
    via lollyluwho
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    I've shared all of this with them, but I feel the need to blast this out online too.
    via lollyluwho
  • 37
    Now that I'm a year out, I can acknowledge that I love my husband and our life together, but having a traditional wedding was a BIG mistake. When I think back on our wedding day,
    via lollyluwho
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    I am devastated to admit that the few emotions I remember from that day were not how much I love my now husband and excitement over our future together, but
    via lollyluwho
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    anxiety over my mom and whether sh was about to blow up. If you're recently engaged and have difficult family relationships, or aren't
    via lollyluwho
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    completely sold on shelling out a ton of money on a wedding, please let this be yet another loud voice yelling at you: elope! have a courthouse wedding!
    via lollyluwho
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    don't invite problematic guests! do whatever you want to do but for the love of god avoid that family drama at ALL costs! I wish would've stuck to what I originally
    via lollyluwho
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    wanted (eloping somewhere abroad), but alas, I made my decision and have to accept it.
    via lollyluwho
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    What I didn't mention in my initial posts was that my relationship with my mom immediately and irrevocably changed as soon as I became engaged. Even though I knew she could be "a lot",
    via lollyluwho
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    I had no idea what I was in for. If I could do it all again, I would've stopped that wedding planning train in its tracks after the first few signs of craziness. The cake was,
    via lollyluwho
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    unsurprisingly, just the last straw of craziness that happened. Greatest hits include:
    via lollyluwho
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    -telling literally (and I mean literally) everyone she knew that we were getting engaged, less than 10 minutes after my husband told my parents he planned to propose -
    via lollyluwho
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    upon sharing the proposal photos with her, commenting on how big I looked in the photos (which are, to this day, ruined for me) -told a family member, who
    via lollyluwho
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    commented on how beautiful I looked at a pre-wedding event, "yeah well she's gained a lot of weight" -tried to crash
    via lollyluwho
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    my first look the day of my wedding and acted hurt that she wasn't invited -did crash my first look and thew a fit when my wedding coordinator wouldn't let her in -made
    via lollyluwho
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    the wedding all about how she never had a say in anything and that I was the controlling, immature one
    via lollyluwho
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    We do still have contact today, but it's limited and I am very guarded with what I choose to share.
    via lollyluwho
  • 52
    She never genuinely apologized or acknowledged the stress and hurt she caused. Short of some major changes on her part, I don't see that happening.
    via lollyluwho
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    So yeah, moral of the story is to absolutely soak up the fresh excitement of getting engaged. But seriously, ask yourself if there's anyone in your life. who will make wedding planning on earth. If
    via lollyluwho
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    you're oh so fortunate to have a character like that, have a plan to handle it - and be prepared to enforce those boundaries. And for the extra crazy families out there, maybe just elope.
    via lollyluwho
  • 55
    Chaos1... • 3d ago. As I told my boys many times, just because you're a grownup, it doesn't make people mature.
    via lollyluwho
  • 56
    I love your advice! And you're so right about so much of it. Why a mother would be jealous of her own daughter is
    via lollyluwho
  • 57
    beyond me but that's her issue. I'm sorry all her insecurities and issues got projected on to you.
    via lollyluwho

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cake bride marriage mother wedding reddit thread Reddit mom karen
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