'Please communicate with your wife': Husband converts wife's book loft into children's play area without her knowledge, is surprised when she is upset

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 17, 2024 12:00 PM EST

To paraphrase Virginia Woolf, everyone needs a room of one's own. If at all possible, we all need spaces that are fully ours, where we can decompress, be creative, and not have to worry about someone barging in and demanding something of us. This is especially true as a new parent. It might not always be possible to have a sanctuary as a new mom, but you can get creative with it. Maybe you take extra long "showers," and when you're family thinks you're shampooing, you're actually knee-deep in a novel. Maybe you "go to the grocery store" one extra time a week and really you're in your parked car catching up on the crossword. 

You hopefully don't have to lie to your family to get me time, but it might make it easier. All to say, having your own space is sacred. So when someone messes with it, you have a right to get upset. Read on to see how that played out in this story. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10428598784
    via Unsplash+ (Curated Lifestyle)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA for changing my wife's book room into the kids room?
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 03
    I (35m) have been married to me wife (32f) Ella, for 10 years. We have two kids (4m and 7f). About 5 years ago our house was finally built, Ella was the one who actually designed our house. We have a loft area above our living room that Ella said was going to be a kids area. "Out of sight out of mind" she said for the kids toys. Ella also suffers from depression and I lot of the house projects she hoped would be done by now aren't. Personally I
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 04
    think she's too hard on herself and I do help as much as I can but I also work 60-70 hours a week. Ella has been using the loft area as a reading area, honestly I'm not too sure how much she uses it. I know she read a bit, but mostly when I see her read it's in bed. Ella has been hard on herself lately, because the kids toys are scattered everywhere so I decided while she was out to have the kids take everything up
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 05
    into the loft area and put all her stuff into her gaming room (we both have our own separate gaming rooms.) The kids LOVE this area and in the time they've been playing up there I have seen no toys. Ella came home and started crying saying that was her safe heaven area away from everyone and has been really short with me.She claims that she goes up there everyday and now she can't just take it away from the kids. I told her she can make her gaming room into a reading room
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 06
    but she states the kids go in there and it's not the same. I told her she was overreacting and this is exactly what she wanted this area for so AITA TLDR wife designed house for the kids to have an area in loft, then got made when I made the area a loft area.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 07
    Edit: I can't believe I have to say this but, obviously my wife is not neglecting our children by giving herself time to do her activities. As for our 4 year old, our neighbor watches him about 2-5 hours a day we pay them) so my wife can bake for her business and just to whatever she wants.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 08
    vTire... 19h ago Edited 19h ago • INFO: does your wife work and is your youngest in school? What's the childcare split like? Also, did you discuss moving your wife's stuff before you did it?
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 09
    EDIT: based off OP's reply, I'm going to go with YTA. Sounds like OP's wife works, handles organising the household and is expected to do the majority of the DIY as she designed the house. This is on top of suffering from depression. It also doesn't appear that OP discussed moving his wife's things into her gaming room before doing it. This sounds like straw that broke the camel's back, especially as OP works 60- 70hours a week so wouldn't be home to know how much she uses the room.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 10
    OP, please communicate with your wife - it sounds like she needs help for her depression as well as the mental load she takes on for the family.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 11
    Smooth-Extent1920 18h ago • • I'm saying No One's the AH here. He saw his wife was upset by the fact that the house was always messy with the kids' toys, so while she was away, he cleaned up and took them to where they had previously discussed would be the place for this. The previously was too long ago and that space wasn't being used that way....so she got upset by this.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 12
    He handled this well and took advice and communicated with her and since she isn't using her private room as it was originally designated, so he adjusted and moved kids' stuff there.....Sounds like a quality man to me. Cleans, communicates, adjusts, cares! Y'all need to really understand what a good man is.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 13
    Extension-Issue3560 19h ago • . You EACH have a gaming room? When my kids were young, I barely had time to shave my legs, let alone game and read.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 14
    DGinLDO 18h ago • . Note OP says the kids go into HER gaming room. So HE has his own "me" space, but she doesn't, & on top of this, unilaterally gave HER "Me" space to the kids.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 15
    ParmReggie • 20h ago. Why can't she close the door to her game room and tell the kids not to go in? There is no reason for her to need a game space and loft, and the kids have no dedicated space at all. Ask if she would rather her game room be the loft and move her stuff all there and make the game room the kids' room. I hope she is being treated for her depression.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 16
    livelaughloveev • 19h ago. Soft YTA. You made a unilateral decision without consulting the person who's supposed to be your partner. I understand that there was prior communication about the loft being for the kids, but I also understand the need to have an escape when you're the default parent/SAHP. Your wife sounds overwhelmed, and as a WFH/SAHP, I know that feeling well.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 17
    Overall, I think there was just a lack of communication: she should have communicated to you that the loft was becoming her safe space and looked for an alternative space for the kids/compromised her game room for instance, and you should have asked her if she wanted the loft to be her space, and if so-what space could be designated for the kids. There's still time to rectify this, perhaps by suggesting to your wife that her gaming room should double as a space for the kids if she wants to hold
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 18
    nevernauts 19h ago • • Sounds like you had good intentions, but a gentle YTA. You are out of the house up to 70 hours a week, so you don't know how everyone spends their time in the house while you're gone. She had it set up as her space. Regardless of how much she got to use it, I feel you should have respected that and had a conversation with her about it first.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 19
    HypotheticalParallel • 19h ago. YTA I realize your heart was in the right place, but you didn't even talk to her about it. Didn't run it by her, didn't ask if this is something that would work for her. You say you didn't see her reading there, but she claims she used it every day. I'm an overstimulated mom and I have no safe Haven. No
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 20
    reading room, no gaming room, h II, even my bedroom is pretty overrun. Being able to take space away, especially if you suffer mental health difficulties is so important. Maybe she would have agreed. Maybe you two could have found a different solution. But by not having a conversation you took away her agency in an area she cherished.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 21
    AncientAnywhere9468 19h ago • • Yta: your wife is overwhelmed and you thought, hmm let's not ask what she needs done but instead move all of my wife's stuff without even talking to her? Why not have your kids put their stuff in their bedrooms? And anytime you tell someone they are over reacting it has never made anyone magically calm and is honestly infuriating.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 22
    Suitable_cataclysm • 19h ago • YTA only because you made a big change without asking. Yes maybe years ago she mentioned the loft could be for the kids, but it was repurposed since then. Depression can suffer heavily from unexpected changes, making the world feel even more out of our control.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467
  • 23
    You want a pat on the back for trying to help, and can't recognize you made a major change in the house without discussing it with the person it affects the most.
    via u/Afraid_Pickle_467

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