Mother accused of going too far for banning 13-year-old from once-in-a-lifetime middle school graduation trip as punishment: 'This is normal stuff for a 13-year-old'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Dec 4, 2024 12:00 PM EST

As the saying goes, the punishment must fit the crime, and if the repercussions are too severe, no one is learning anything, and you're simply going to create a bad memory and lifelong resentment that will get brought up in 20 years at tense family dinners and when your kids attempt to talk to you about the trauma that you unintentionally caused them. 

Of course, as a parent, even if you have the best of intentions, you're not going to get everything right all of the time. And as teenagers, we've all been there, railing against the injustice of our parents' decisions—sometimes we grow up to see things their way and understand, whereas others, we remain certain that we were in the right well into adulthood.

This mother sought to punish her daughter for what she felt were repeated violations of her parent's trust, which included neglecting chores, texting her ex-boyfriend, and disappearing during the family's Thanksgiving dinner. As punishment, she sought to withdraw her daughter from her middle school's special graduation trip—a move that proved to be unpopular when she appealed to this online community to see whether or not she was in the wrong for using the trip attendance as punishment.

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    AITA for taking the graduation trip away from my middle school daughter? I have a 13 year old daughter (almost 14) who is in 8th grade. School let us know about the graduation trip which she really wants to go to but we have been dealing with some behavioral issues. I told her she needs to behave before I would sign her
    via happilytorn
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    up. A few days went by and I told her it wasn't enough time yet. I needed to see more. She was afraid the trip would be filled up and she would be too late. So I agreed to sign her up for the time being but I told her I would withdraw her if more issues arise. She agreed. The type of issues we had up until this point was:
    via happilytorn
  • 04
    1. She was failing on her chores on a daily basis. (Her chore list is very short. The only daily item is keeping her room clean. Then the weekly item of taking the trash out.) 2. She was secretly texting an ex-boyfriend. Who didn't treat her well. 3. When she was caught, she tried to get her younger sister to lie and cover for her. 4. Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to "punish" her.
    via happilytorn
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    After I signed her up, I told her that she needed to do everything as we say. We are not strict parents so I don't think it's unreasonable. School's Thanksgiving dinner rolls around. We all went. As soon as she got her food, she tried to leave the table to go hang out with a friend (female). Her dad (my ex) told her to stay for at least a little while. She never asked me or my husband for
    via happilytorn
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    permission to leave. Soon after she left and I thought it would just be a brief moment. An hour went by and she's not answering our texts or calls. My husband and I spent the next 40 minutes looking for her. Couldn't find her. Finally she answered a call from my ex. She was outside apparently, still with the same friend. That's when I decided we are taking her out of the trip. She is distraught. AITA here?
    via happilytorn
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a hole: I might be the AH because I know this trip means a lot to my daughter.
    via happilytorn
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    p. YTA ish, but it depends. Look all of your rules are reasonable and I definitely don't think you're an AH for enforcing consequences. But I'm not sure it's clear that your daughter was breaking a rule by leaving the table? I could be missing something, but I think this is the sequence of events:
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    Famous_Fee8... 1h ago • You're not strict but has to ask for permission to leave the table? Have you had a discussion about lacking in chores? She's 13, she is still learning and I can tell you now, any time you say don't talk to xyz, don't hang out with xyz, that's exactly what she's going to do. What other behavioral issues are you having that is not normal 13 yr old behavior? I can tell you now, you're stricter than you say you are.
    via happilytorn
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    YesterdayLast... • 1h ago I think it's a slight YTA. I think "do everything we say" is a very broad catch- all, and doesn't get her necessarily associating every single word you say with the trip at all times. If you narrowed it down to say, the list you just provided, that would be much simpler and straightforward to follow. In your story above, you are mad at her for something that wasn't on the list of 4 examples you just gave. It's hard to punish someone for grey area things that make you up
    via happilytorn
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    S. ⚫1h ago Edited 1h ago In this case, I'm going to have to say YTA. "Do everything we say" and "behave" are not clear, reasonable goals for a 13- year-old. My suggestion: Make a list of things you'll need her to do to earn the trip and post it in a shared space. Make this a checklist for chores and other things she CAN do (not things she CAN'T
    via happilytorn
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    do (not things she CAN'T do, like "don't text so-and- so"). If she doesn't take out the trash, for example, you can point to the chart to remind her. This allows her to have clear goals to work towards, that lets her see for herself in realtime how she's doing, and puts the responsibility entirely on her.
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    Punishing her for talking to her ex is not helpful. She is at an age where she's especially vulnerable to romantic mistreatment, as she is just starting to test the waters with dating and relationships. She needs positive support to recognize healthy and unhealthy relationships so that she can make those decisions for herself. Punishment is not helpful
    via happilytorn
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    for this, and only makes her feel like she can't trust you enough to tell you if something happens down the line (e.g., if she keeps texting him, and he gets her alone and hurts her, will she come to you for help, or will she be too scared of losing huge things like grad trips as punishment for talking to him in the first place? No wonder she's pressuring her sister to lie for her she's afraid of you, and is more concerned with protecting herself from YOU than from HIM.)
    via happilytorn
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    Her younger sister who came clean told me I needed to protect her because she was scared how her older sister was going to "punish" her.
    via happilytorn
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    Have you considered that the younger sister was made to fear the older sister's punishment the exact same way the older sister has been made to fear YOUR punishment? She's modeling the behaviour YOU'VE shown her in her interactions with the people she has perceived authority over.
    via happilytorn
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    Finally, school trips are great social-emotional teaching opportunities, where she can socialize with her peers in a school- adjacent setting where rules are enforced. This is a way to encourage pro- social behaviour, and withholding it as a punishment for general rudeness may not be as beneficial for her development as taking the trip might be.
    via happilytorn
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    A grad trip is a HUGE deal to a 13-year-old. I'm not seeing any "misbehaviour" in this post that is concerning enough to justify this punishment.
    via happilytorn
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    Gullible_Canc... INFO: 2h ago How does she speak to you? Is she disrespectful, cursing, generally just a j to be around? A lot of the things listed sound like normal teenage things. If theres attitude and blatant disrespect involved, it takes it up a notch for me. What other punishments have you tried? A trip like this sticks with someone as a happy memory, I think taking it away could be a nuclear option if nothing else has been tried.
    via happilytorn
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    Lucky_Six_1530 • 1h ago • ΥΤΑ. None of these things sound like major issues. So she was outside with a friend? Just talking? How horrible!!! Seriously, she's 14. Time to relax a bit and let her start finding herself (which includes letting her make mistakes on dating).
    via happilytorn
  • 21
    Hazeygazey 1h ago. YTA She's disobeying you in fairly mild ways. She's 13. She's going to defy you a little. She's also going to forget housework because it's utterly irrelevant to her teenage brain. Does she empty the bin if you stand over her and say 'that was your job. I want it done now.' I bet she does. Messy room? She's a 13 Yr old. Ffs.
    via happilytorn
  • 22
    Boyfriend who mistreated her?? Jeez, they're kids. She's never actually hurt her little sister has she? When your youngest says she's frightened it's not because the 13 Yr old is a violent maniac. It's because she knows she 'grassed' to mum, and that's against the sibling code. Why can't she talk to her friends? She didn't ask because she knows you wouldn't have let her
    via happilytorn
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    If these are the worst things she's done, you should be thankful you've got such a well behaved child Let her go on her trip
    via happilytorn
  • 24
    AssociateMa... • 53m ago Yta If you take the trip away. Explain your reasoning behind the rules and don't be too quick to "punish" the transgressions. (Explain why you need to know where she is, but never micromanage i.e. "im gonna be outside" is her response to where are you going, you say, "don't leave the parking lot and keep your ring tone on".
    via happilytorn
  • 25
    Quick-Possess... • 1h ago. Her father allowed her to leave the table. That's why she didn't need to ask you for permission.... I understand that you need to set rules and consequences, but you are punishing her for something she didn't do wrong. YTA. Sorry.
    via happilytorn

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