Bride nervous about excluding single 9-year-old cousin from otherwise children-allowed wedding turns to internet forum for advice: 'I absolutely can't have him at my wedding'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Dec 11, 2024 6:00 PM EST

You won't find many people who would argue with you for wanting a child-free wedding—except, of course, those parents who think their little darlings are the exception to any and every rule. It can get a little harder to sell this idea, however, when you try and pass the "child-free" rule for one specific individual: your "bad apple" 9-year-old cousin. Let's consider here that in most cases, for a kid that young, the problem is actually the parents themselves… regardless of what "attempts" they might be making to fix the behavior.

However, this bride is considering doing exactly this, wanting to exclude her problematic 9-year-old cousin from her wedding due to his exceptionally bad behavior and flair for inappropriate language. Distressed by the decision facing her and wanting all of her better-behaved younger cousins to attend, she turned to this online community to seek advice as to whether or not she should proceed with the targeted exclusion. Commenters on the thread shared lots of helpful advice and largely sided with her and her decision to exclude the single problematic child.

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    via Kenneth Penn

    Image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Image is for illustration only and subjects are models.

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    AITA if I exclude one child from my wedding, but invite the others? I'm getting married next year and really want to invite 4/5 of my adorable little cousins (ages 6-14). However, there is one Bad Apple (M, 9) who is the WORST and I absolutely can't have him at my wedding. I know he's just a kid, but he's obsessed with attention and needs to be the center of it at all
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    times. He says horrible r cist things and is just so loud and embarrassing and will not stop. The parents are invited to the wedding, and they are aware of the *problem* with their child, but nothing changes and he manages to get even more obnoxious every time I see him.
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    I'm considering not inviting any of my little cousins to the wedding, so that I can "fairly" exclude the Bad Apple. However, I really want those 4 other cousins to be there! Is there a way I can keep the Bad Apple away, while still inviting the other kids? Or will I have to have a "child-free" wedding? Thank you!
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a h le: 1. Excluding one little cousin from my wedding while inviting the other four 2) Having one kid be left out while including everyone else
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    DinaFelice "Listen, I know you are aware of the problems with Bad Apple's behavior, so I don't think this will be a surprise, but I wanted to give you a heads up that he is not invited to my wedding. Since the other cousins in the family are being invited, you may need time to prepare him. And if he has questions, I'm willing to try to explain to him in an age- --
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    appropriate way of course - - why his behavior would need to change before he can expect to receive invitations like this. I also realize that this may result in you not coming, and while that would be disappointing for me, I understand that you have to do what you need to as his parents."
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    NTA. The reason that people try to use rules like "child-free" is to avoid the appearance of unfairness and hurt feelings in picking. and choosing which kids get to come. But in this case, the parents already know that their child has a behavior problem, so if they are reasonable, then they should understand that it is not unfair for him to be excluded. (Of course,
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    if they were reasonable, then they would be constantly apologizing for his behavior and regularly removing him from situations when his behavior exceeds certain boundaries... Since you don't describe that, I have my serious doubts about how reasonable they are.)
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    • mfruitfly 8h ago • NTA, but sometimes there isn't an answer that solves all your problems, so I think you have to pick a scenario and accept the consequences. 1. Invite no children- no bad apple, but you lose out on the other kids you do like being there.
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    2. Invite all the kids and hope bad apple is parented. You could speak to his parents about controlling him, and employ another guest to help if it gets out of hand. 3. Invite all the kids just to part of the wedding, so everyone is included but there is less bad apple time.
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    4. Tell the parents the truth- other kids are invited, and their child isn't. They are aware of the problem, so you just give it to them straight: Bad apple is not invited to the wedding. I know you are trying with him, and I love him dearly, but I don't want interruptions and I certainly don't want other guests to be uncomfortable, and so while other kids will be
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    there, bad apple is not invited. I also hope this gives you a break so you can just enjoy the wedding, and I really want you there, and I realize this isn't an easy thing to hear, and I'm sorry. Yes, the parents could lose there sh, but if you deliver it that way, you are overcompensating that this really is their problem and being as graceful as possible.
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    If I were you, I would go with the last option, and I'd enlist a few sympathetic family/friends of those people to help cushion the blow/fallout. Like if they start calling people and trying to rally people against you, have some people at the ready to defend you and that have already heard your side. Then just ignore any drama that comes your way and enjoy your wedding.
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    -Aberrant 8h ago The parents are the problem, not the kid, I wouldn't invite any of them.
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    Secretgoldfish . 4h ago • be prepared to lose the relationship with Bad Apple's parents. I TOTALLY agree this s ks. I wouldn't want him there either !!! But I think it's way too inflammatory to involve the other children while actively excluding one. I can't imagine this going over smoothly. I think you have to have a "no kids" wedding. At least if it were my family, this would go over like a lead balloon.
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    NoCod3769 · 8h ago • . I wouldnt want him there either. And I think you're justified in not inviting him but like the top comment said, this does need to be a conversation with his parents and not just a surprise not invited thing. They need to know why he's being excluded (justifiably) and be prepared for them not to come either, which is probably okay with you I'm guessing since they are at minimum enabling the behavior.
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    dell828 8h ago • . You are not TA, but honestly, I don't know how you can disinvite one child and have it go well.
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    Craftyalltheti... NTA! Just tell them straight up that their little r cist isn't invited and they really need to get the kid into therapy and find out where the heck he got this idiocy from. Maybe if the kid faces actual consequences for his actions and words he might realize that racism isn't a good look for anyone.
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family dynamics family drama aita bride AITAH kids family feud parenting wedding family reddit thread parent raising kids weddings parents children
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