Mom asks unemployed 23-year-old son to do 10 hours of housework in exchange for bailing him out of debt, son wants to count the 5 hours he spend attending a concert with her: 'Stop enabling him'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Dec 22, 2024 12:00 PM EST

We all fall on hard times every now and then, and if you're lucky you might have a parent who's willing to support you through these rough patches. Ideally, it's part of the parent-kid relationship, and it doesn't automatically end once you're 18 years old. You might continue to need your parents, if not just emotionally. But like with anything, there is a line that you should be careful not to cross, on both sides of the equation. 

If you're the kid, you have to be careful that you're not taking advantage of your parents' generosity. If you're living with them rent-free, you might want to pitch in more than your share of the chores. If you're the parent in this situation, it's on you to not coddle your child to a dangerous end. You might have to provide some tough love even if you don't want to. That's the situation this parent and child found themselves in until commenters came in and set them straight. Read on for the story. 

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10443576320
    via Unsplash+ (Jonny Gios)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for not including adult son's social time as "work" hours?
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 03
    My son (23M) lives with me (45F) and has not had a full-time, consistent job for nearly two years. He struggles with depre son, and in my layman's estimation, a screen-time addiction
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 04
    (80+hrs/wk). The past 3 years have been littered with false starts in schools (both expensive private ones and community college) and just odd jobs here and there to sustain his car payment and insurance on his own. He refuses to work retail or food services, and has no formal education and only a modicum of experience in the skill areas he's interested in.
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 05
    He comes to me last week - $2 in his bank account and car insurance due - and asks me for a loan. I tell him no because I don't want to see him struggling in a debt hole without a reasonable way to get on top of it. However, I WILL do a secured pre-payment for service. I tell him if he'll commit
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 06
    to doing 10 hours worth of work for me errands, the household - 'honey-do' list, etc. - over 3 days (Friday to Sunday), I will front him the money he needs, plus a little bit of padding. I do add one condition and tell him that if the 10 hours are not completed by midnight Sunday, the power cable to his laptop will become mine until the hours are completed. (Knowing that the only reason. things usually don't get done is
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 07
    because he's gaming with friends.) He is grumpy about it, but agrees, as he's out of short-term options. (Car insurance is due Friday). Saturday afternoon he's completed 5.5 of the 10 hours. He is drained and frustrated from an
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 08
    assembly project I gave him and asks to bail on our previously- planned social outing to a concert with some family and friends that evening. I tell him he's an adult - I'm not going to make him do anything. I said it was 100% his call whether to come or not. But I highly encouraged him to come, as I felt time away from screens in the real world would do his mental
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 09
    health some good. He comes, but is meh-attitude about it the whole time. Complains about the music and is on his phone a lot. I pay for his ticket, his dinner, and his two adult beverages while we're out. Upon waking at noon on Sunday, he asserts that his "work" obligation is completed by the
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 10
    prior evening's social outing. I disagree, saying that "work" is different from "effort". I realize it took effort to go out, and I applaud that effort. However, earning money is about providing a valuable service to other people, and while I enjoyed his company, that particular effort was really in a service to himself.
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 11
    He did not speak to me the rest of the day, pointedly avoided my direct attempts to be polite and offer pleasantries, and proceeded to hole up in his office and play video games with friends. Today, the work is not complete. I am a person of my word and have now taken his power cable to his computer.
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 12
    Yes, I should have had the foresight to clarify that going out was not counted towards work, I thought it was patently obvious, but apparently not. BUT - AITA for not counting his social outing towards his hours worked??
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 13
    Aware_Welcom... • 23h ago He is 23. You are assigning chores and consequences like he is a teenager. He's an adult. Charge him for rent, food, etc. You are NTA for failing to specify that outings were not part of the 10 hours of work. But you are coddling your son way too much.
    via u/terraformingearth
  • 14
    LBelle5224 OP 23h ago • • I do charge him for rent, and now he's six weeks behind on it and the situation is getting more dire. I don't want to kick him out right before Christmas - that seems sucky. But you're right - as hard as it is, it's probably time for some tough love.
    via u/LBelle5224
  • 15
    terraformingea... . • 23h ago • This question is so very minor compared to the larger issue of you enabling his behavior, depre son, addiction, or all of the above. You need a good counselor to stop enabling him, you are assisting in crippling him for life.
    via u/terraformingearth
  • 16
    S23h 23h ago Edited 23h ago NTA If going to a concert with friends and family and having my ticket, food and drinks bought for me counted as work, I would have already quit my job lol
    via u/SocietyAtrophy
  • 17
    And i do relate to your son a bit. I definitely view social outings as a bit of effort and I definitely cant muster up the energy for every outing. I do like skipping social events for an evening of gaming/movies a lot of the time. However, it sounds like he doesnt muster up the energy for any outings. There is a balance and never going out will definitely deteriorate his mental health, I am speaking from experience.
    via u/SocietyAtrophy
  • 18
    You absolutely cannot break on your word let him count the social outing as "work". This will just reinforce his current mindset. He needs to figure out how to view having friends and family as a blessing, not a chore
    via u/SocietyAtrophy
  • 19
    . Acrobatic-Ad-3... 23h ago NTA. But I'm concerned about what steps are being taken to address his mental health & ability to become self-sufficient? He clearly needs help, & you won't be around forever. It may be time to place conditions on his continued lifestyle.
    via u/Acrobatic-Ad-3335
  • 20
    LowBalance4404. 22h ago. You do realize you can change the wifi password and not give it to him, right? YTA for enabling all of this.
    via u/LowBalance4404
  • 21
    slackerchic . 22h ago. "He struggles with depre son, and in my layman's estimation, a screen-time addiction (80+hrs/wk)" Jesus that is a lot of time. How is he paying for this? If you're the one footing the bill for the home, the food, the phone, the cable, the
    via u/slackerchic
  • 22
    streaming services, etc then you are enabling him to continue this behavior. You are not doing your son a favor at this point, you are helping to cripple him. What would he do if something happened to you? He is not a child and needs to become independent. Part of
    via u/slackerchic
  • 23
    parenting is letting the baby bird fly. Otherwise he's just going to be stuck in the nest forever and will break his legs trying to get out after you're gone. Sorry but YTA.
    via u/slackerchic
  • 24
    • CrazyOldBag 22h ago. I understand that you don't want to kick him out before Christmas. However, you need to tell him, clearly and calmly, that you're done. Give him formal notice now that he must be out of the house by (whatever date you choose, but not more than 30 days), and STICK TO IT. Arrange for police to enforce the eviction, if necessary.
    via u/CrazyOldBag
  • 25
    As long as you keep enabling him, he has no incentive to make changes. Getting whapped upside the head with the clue-by-four of grim reality hopefully will jump- start him into doing instead of just being. Good luck, OP. Don't let him (or anyone) guilt-trip you.
    via u/CrazyOldBag
  • 26
    pottersquash 23h ago. NTA. He is 23, not 13. If he thought visiting with family counted towards work, this is an important lesson in how wrong that is.
    via u/pottersquash
  • 27
    Poiuni 23h ago • NTA - He only had 4.5hrs of 'work' left to do, and going out to a concert and have everything paid for by you isn't work.
    via u/Poiuni
  • 28
    AdamOnFirst • 21h ago . ESH. Your son is in the wrong for this particular disturb and your assertion about work is correct. However, this overall situation is f ed, and it's been going on with your support long enough that you've become partially culpable. You are enabling
    via u/AdamOnFirst
  • 29
    him to continue to fail to make any kind of effort, much less progress, in life. That makes you TAH along with him. He doesn't need you to take away his laptop cable like he's 14, he needs a job, and he's not going to get one until he has actual bills to pay. Time to inform him he's moving out in 4-6 weeks.
    via u/AdamOnFirst

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twenties living at home teens aita tough love moms reddit story screen time parenting story reddit thread parent Reddit raising kids adult children unemployment unemployed Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
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