'She calls everyone "honey” and “sweetie," and chit chats with patrons instead of just letting them eat': Georgia-born waitress asks coworker why she doesn't get as many tips, gets mad when he says New Jersey customers don't appreciate her southern charm

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Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Dec 27, 2024 3:00 PM EST

There's a huge difference between what constitutes respect in the Northern and Southern United States. When my family moved to Texas, we collectively went through a huge amount of culture shock regarding the term "ma'am." I hated that I was expected to call every adult woman "ma'am," and my mom hated that everyone around her suddenly started calling her "ma'am." There is nothing inherently nefarious about the term, but to my mom, who was a lifelong Midwesterner, it made her feel old. I remember asking my 2nd grade teacher, "May I go to the restroom, please?" And she corrected me, "May I go to the restroom, ma'am." It was something we had to get used to, even if we didn't ever actually start using the term. 

The same kind of culture shock can apply when a Southerner moves to New Jersey. The waitress in this story tried to use the tricks that charmed Georgians, but they fell flat at her new job.

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    VIENNA EGCR Bread Bowls
    via Carol Highsmith's America

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for telling my coworker why customers might not like her
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 03
    I work at a restaurant as a server. One of my coworkers moved up here from Georgia for college and started working here a few months ago.
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
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    She constantly lays on the "southern charm” thing thick. She calls everyone "honey" and "sweetie" and all of that. She also tends to chit chat with people instead of just letting them eat after bringing them their food or
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 05
    drinks. It's also kind of obvious that a lot of them don't want to really talk to her, they give one word answers and she just barrels forward and talks at them. (Management has told her off more than once for this)
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 06
    About two weeks ago she was upset because a customer yelled at her and said "Don't call me that!" when she called her "honey" and she complains that she's not getting as many tips as the other servers. She says it's because she has a southern accent and customers think she's stupid, but I don't think that's the case.
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 07
    She asked me for advice, and I said it's because she takes so long to bring things out and wastes time trying to make small talk. I also said that the excessive pet names sound kind of condescending, and they aren't really something you would call a stranger here.
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 08
    She told me that she wasn't going to start being r de to customers because she would make even less money. I told her it's not being rode, it's just how things work here, and it's ride to other customers she's supposed to be serving when she spends all her time trying to make small talk instead of doing her job and calling them weird things.
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
  • 09
    Now she's mad and has been avoiding me. Maybe I could have been gentler when trying to explain why people complain about her, but I was also really stressed because it's Christmas season and so much is going on AITA?
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353

  • It's an honest mistake, but she should listen after her managers and colleagues have said the same thing. It's not that hard not to overly talk with patrons, and it's objectively less work to do the emotional labor of talking to customers when not doing so actually increases the number of tips you get.

  • 10
    Waste_Worker6122 • 2d ago Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] NTA. Bit of a culture clash going on here. You've tried to help her fit in better with the locals and your boss has done the same. But she isn't listening to either of you. NTA.
    via u/Waste_Worker6122
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    Open-Trouble-7264 Read the room. And major differences between the Southeast and elsewhere for this. Sh needs to adapt instead of expecting her customers to adapt. NTA and her problem if she can't take the constructive criticism she asked for.
    via u/Open-Trouble-7264
  • 12
    Elaan21 This. I'm from Southern Appalachia and lived in DC for almost a decade. I code switched so hard because what's ride one place is polite in the other. I will say that pet names from servers annoy the sh out of me regardless of where I am unless they're giving strong "auntie" or "grandma" vibes. These vibes are somewhat gender neutral, but it's the best way I can explain it quickly. "Hon"/"hun" tends to be fine when it's used the same way you'd use sir or ma'am.
    via u/Elaan21
  • 13
    MaddyKet If you are in the Northeast, esp NY or New England, she really needs to listen to you because yeah we hate small talk! Her tips are only going to get worse. NTA she should listen to you, who actually knows how people are around wherever you are. You're just trying to help.
    via u/MaddyKet
  • 14
    Designer-Escape6264 I spent 30 years in the south. We hate overly chatty servers, too.
    via u/Designer-Escape6264
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    WeddingFickle6513 It's not just servers. It's everyone. I've even had a cop chit chat with me while writing me a ticket.
    via u/WeddingFickle6513
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    Zose It's the older crowd I swear. My mother will give these poor service workers her entire life story like please woman they don't make enough for this
    via u/Zose
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    Wild_Consequence8353 OP Yeah, we're in New Jersey and pretty close to NYC.
    via u/Wild_Consequence8353
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    silly_goose_egg I am from a place where Smalltalk is normal, but you don't do it during someone's meal if you're not part of the table. I've had people I know walk up to my table while I'm eating, just to say hello, and it gets on my ever loving nerves when they just stand there looking down at me while I'm trying to eat. I don't cut servers off when they're talking, I don't cut servers off when they're trying to let me know if Staff or if they're asking if I want other things. But I do tell the
    via u/silly_goose_egg
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    No_Ship_2787 I'm from the north and had to learn to be okay with the "southern hospitality" pet names when i moved south.. Up there those can be fighten words. If she doesn't change she can expect complaints and possibly her job. ΝΤΑ
    via u/No_Ship_2787
  • 20
    SarcasticAzalea Rose Southern here and I use those terms of endearment a lot just because that was the culture where I grew up. But I was also taught that if someone asked me not to call them any of those I stop and don't do it again. You have to remember what's polite somewhere may be r de somewhere else.
    via u/SarcasticAzaleaRose
  • 21
    stroppo NTA. Maybe next time send her to your supervisor for advice. Though I grew up used to hearing waitresses say "honey," esp in a diner, so I don't find it that odd (west coast).
    via u/stroppo
  • 22
    CatOutrageous9135 NTA This sounds like a realistic assessment. Making small talk is a bad idea. The person she's talking to feels obliged to answer, even though they might not be in the mood or simply lack the time. And everyone else gets upset over the delay. As for her pet names, that's just unprofessional,
    via u/CatOutrageous9135
  • 23
    TemptingPenguin369 NTA. She needs to read the room. Maybe her style works where she's from, but she's got to adapt to wherever she is. She also has to understand the difference between inserting herself into the guest experience by sticking around for chitchat, and "being r de." I used to wait tables and while it's great to have regulars and develop a rapport with them, you can't do it at the expense of getting their food out quickly or inserting yourself into their conversations. I thought you
    via u/TemptingPenguin369
  • 24
    lovepotao I'm from nyc and while I logically understand that a southerner might be used to calling people "sweetie" or "honey", that won't automatically make me like it. If I were a frequent customer I would absolutely ask her nicely not to call me that. (Ma'am is even worse- shudder). I would suggest to her to just be friendly without the pet names and small talk that goes on after the order is taken.
    via u/lovepotao
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    WeddingFickle6513 Can I ask why ma'am makes you uncomfortable? I was raised to call people ma'am and sir as a sign of respect, but I work at a call center now and deal with people across the country, and it seems to offend some people. I am training myself not to say it at work, but I'm just curious why it is an issue.
    via u/WeddingFickle6513
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    lovepotao It just makes me feel old :) Again, I understand that people who use this term are just trying to be polite, but I'm just not used to it.
    via u/lovepotao
  • 27
    Original_Archer5984 Well, she won't be yankee "r de", so she won't make yankee "money". NTA This is the question I ask when others request an honest opinion. "Do you want an honest opinio, OR do
    via u/Original_Archer5984
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    you want me to make you feel good?" Because those two options often live at different addresses, and i don't wanna commute. So, you want it real or real nice, cause trying to do both is a fools errand.
    via u/Original_Archer5984
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    Original Archer5984 I am also a server. I have worked in several states, and in nearly all service levels, and you bet your sweet bippi, my style of service changes to suit my customers, as does the level of service to suit the establishment. She's dedicated to southern belle shtick? So be it, Flo! But she would be wise to catch on, as not everything plays in Peoria. lykyk
    via u/Original_Archer5984
  • 30
    Nicki-ryan ΝΤΑ My girlfriend is from the south and I'm from the PNW, we've had countless discussions about how her "serving voice" would be seen as r de here whereas in her home state, it's how everyone talks and would be the expectation. If you say "honey" or "sugar" or "sweetie pie" to a stranger here and you don't look like a grandma, they'd look at you like you're out of your mind or insulting them
    via u/Nicki-ryan
  • 31
    Meanwhile when I'm serving, I don't like to call anyone ma'am because it's old and weird sounding up here and instead say sir and miss (and folks since nonbinary people exist). I don't use any pet names and I do very little small talk unless the guests interact first and seem like they want conversation. My guests prefer that. In her state people would correct me and go "it's ma'am" because that's what they're used to and would find it r de if I just dropped off food, asked if it was to their li
    via u/Nicki-ryan

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customer service southern northeast server servers coworkers customers restaurant customer coworker the south restaurant server Georgia new york city New Jersey
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