'What do I need to say here to avoid upsetting her or making her feel bad about herself?': Man tells girlfriend he finds her more attractive in sweats, gf gets mad that he doesn't acknowledge when she puts in real effort

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Jan 11, 2025 7:00 AM EST

Attraction is very subjective. Someone who might look like a troll to you might have your best friend head over heels in an instant. Even in relationships, there are certain things we might love about our partner that they think are undesirable. We all have certain types and patterns that we like, and there's no use trying to shame people about it. It's these aspects that make us all human, and our perfect imperfections are all part of loving and living.

Using these laws of attraction to our advantage, there are certain things we do in relationships as bids for attention. Maybe we wear an article of clothing we know our partner loves or put on that perfume that drives your beau crazy. However, when wires get crossed between a couple over how they define what is attractive or not, it can cause some strife. Take OP here, for example, who finds his girlfriend much more attractive in a laidback look than when she's all dolled up. Is it imperative to acknowledge the effort our partners put into their appearance, or is it more true to ourselves to be open and honest about what we find attractive? That's for you to judge, dear reader. Follow along here.

Add as a preferred
source on Google
Advertisement
  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10453377024
    via Max Harlynking
  • 02
    AITAH for finding my wife more attractive in lazy clothes vs when she does her makeup, hair, etc? I think it's important to mention that I'm likely on the spectrum, and as a result I have a really hard time saying things I don't really feel, even if I know it's the "right" thing to say.
    via battery_question
  • 03
    The times that I'm struck by how attractive my wife is is usually when she's wearing some cozy, lazy outfit like sweatpants and at shirt, or a cozy sweater and a beanie and slides. I don't know why, I'm just very drawn to that look. When I feel those feelings, I tell her in a very genuine way, "you look so pretty" or something like that.
    via battery_question
  • 04
    The other day she sent me a picture of her from a wedding we went to where she had her hair done and did her makeup, etc. and all I responded was "cutie" because she is indeed a cutie. Today she told me that when she sends me things like that, she would hope that I would give her a better response, and how it's frustrating that I give better compliments when she's wearing sweatpants, her hairs a mess, no makeup, and hasn't showered in a day.
    via battery_question
  • 05
    Quite frankly, her behavior sounds a lot like her mom. My wife has talked about many times that she doesn't want to be like her mom, while also acknowledging that she has some of her characteristics. Of course I'm not dumb enough to say "you're acting like your mom a little" but that's what I was thinking. Her mom is the type who would fish for compliments, and then the day is ruined if she doesn't get what she was hoping for. Her mom very much has an
    via battery_question
  • 06
    for. Her mom very much has an external sense of self, and in a lot of ways my wife does as well. My wife doesn't go as far as her mom, but it's obviously a little similar. I don't think that's a healthy behavior, and I said as much to my wife. It puts this
    via battery_question
  • 07
    much to my wife. It puts this uncomfortable pressure on me not to respond how I would naturally respond, but instead I start thinking "okay, what do I need to say here to avoid upsetting her or making her feel bad about herself?" which is exactly how my wife described growing up with her mom. AITAH?
    via battery_question
  • 08
    Just be honest and tell her while you think she is beautiful when she dresses up, she is the hottest and sexiest for you in her lazy clothes. That's how you feel. She would probably feel better if you give a little more effort than cutie... | mean... a puppy is cute too.
    via battery_question
  • 09

    Other redditors weigh in

    I personnaly find men in hoodies way more in a suit, so I feel ya. than NTA - She is fishing for compliments. It doesn't mean it's necessarily a bad thing though. When she is showing a picture of herself, it's probably because she is proud of it. She obviously put a lot of effort into her look that day and was hoping for a bigger reaction on your part.
    via battery_question
  • 10
    My suggestion is, the next time she shows you a picture, just tell her she is beautiful and pin point one thing you find attractive on the picture. For example: I really like how your hair frame your face there. Or that color on you seems to make you glow. Don't lie, don't force the compliment. She's your wife, so it will be easy for you to see details that make her beautiful on any picture.
    via battery_question
  • 11
    That being said, I can also see your point of view and your internal dilemma every time she is fishing for compliments. I think you explained it to us very well though. Why not telling her what you are telling us? :
    via battery_question
  • 12
    Your wife needs to accept the compliments that you give her too and not try to expect the moon everytime she is fishing for some reassurance of her attractiveness. I'd say at this point it's just a question of balance on both sides. You need to explain to her how it makes you feel when she reacts badly at a compliment you give her though. It's important. Don't keep it inside and build resentment on that.
    via battery_question
  • 13
    I'm sure she loves your genuine reaction when she's in sweats, but wants you to acknowledge the effort she puts in on special occasions. Some ways you might consider doing that without faking anything:
    via battery_question
  • 14

    Here's how to give a girl a compliment, according to one Redditor

    Give very specific complements that are true, but don't necessarily have to do with how attractive you find her look in a given moment. Examples: • that color looks great on you • that dress really shows. off your figure
    via battery_question
  • 15
    Highlight other people's possible reactions. You may like her best in sweats (which is awesome because she's probably in sweats more often than she's at a wedding) but you can probably understand logically why women dress up (because most people think we look best then). So you could say something like:
    via battery_question
  • 16
    • everyone must be jealous of me for having . such a hot wife • I just know everyone is staring, thinking how gorgeous you are • I hope you don't cause any traffic accidents crossing the street looking like that
    via battery_question
  • 17
    Obviously phrase these things in a way that feels authentic to you (I realize the way I've phrased them sounds really cheesy!) or scrap my thoughts altogether if you can't find a way to put them in your own voice! But hopefully something here is helpful. Also, NTA.
    via battery_question

Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.

Tags

Dating-Relationships boyfriend relationship advice AITAH relationship-drama relationships girlfriend reddit thread attraction Reddit
Scroll Down For The Next Article