Manager says female employee sounds ‘disrespectful’ in email, so she shows him an identical email from praised male coworker: 'I refuse to be overly polite'

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Jan 29, 2025 9:00 PM EST

It's fair to say that society is not fair, we can all agree on that. What is still bafflingly debated is gender inequality in the workplace. There are definitely some instances where it is not as present, but for the most part, it is deeply deeply ingrained in the system. We're not trying to start a political debate in the comments section of this piece, we're just pointing out the obvious. Because the story we found here is a short and sweet one, but one that women know all too well. It all started with an email…

As a professional you want to sound professional, especially in your emails. So when one woman started rising in the ranks of her career, she decided to "take a page out of her male colleague's book" and reframe how she writes her emails. She decided to no longer included exclamation marks, overly friendly terms, and, especially, no emojis—even if its a coworker she's friendly with. She wanted to get it right so badly, that she just straight up copy and pasted a relevant email from her praised male coworker and just re-worded where it was necessary to make it relevant to what she was writing about.

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    via Unsplash+ (and Christin Hume)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

     

    Lo and behold, after just several emails, she gets dinged by her manager. What for? Because she was sounding too "disrespectful." This was curious since the almost identical email her coworker sent got praise and was found to be normal. So, she decided to stand up for herself. She took a screen shot of her email and her coworker's, put them side-by-side, and showed her manager. So if she is being "disrespectful" how is her male coworker not? Her manager, luckily, saw the light and even confessed to being embarrassed about it…

  • "Copied my male colleagues’ email style and told I’m being rvde"

    I'm a woman in my late 20s, working in a corporate environment. I'm pretty established in my career and company but not managerial. I usually email in a very "hi! How are you? :))))" way that doesn't reflect my professionalism and I feared it was affecting how others saw me.
    via Afraid_Respect_3189
  • I took a leaf out of my male colleagues' books. They email/ message with no emojis, exclamation marks or fluff. Their emails aren't r de but aren't overly nice and apologetic. Turns out, while everyone respects their "direct tone" and "professional approach", I am "rade and disrespectful" for emailing the exact same way.
    via Afraid_Respect_3189
  • In fact, I once even copied an entire email from a male colleague and sent it to someone (generic wording that applied in my email anyway). My manager said it was ride! I showed my manager the emails side by side and he was embarrassed for calling me up on it. We're supposed to be a company that cares about sexism... Anyway, have a day everyone. I refuse to be overly polite just because I'm a woman c
    via Afraid_Respect_3189
  • AbracadabraMagic PoWa Women are punished for directness, men are not. ModeAccomplished7989 • men are respected and rewarded for directness ScotchTapeConnosieur As a mediocre middle aged white man you have no idea how true this is
    via AbracadabraMagicPoWa
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    via Unsplash+ (and Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • FrailUnoriginality They get raises for it and mansplain how being direct is best. But every time I've tried it I get the same comments, "why are you being so r de now?" But at the same time will snicker and snort over how there's too many words/emojis, etc and refuse to "actually read all that nonsense".
    via FrailUnoriginality
  • Emkems yeahhhh it's because you're a woman and are expected to be a perky people pleaser. When I read back through emails before sending I intentionally edit to cut down on "soft" words because I want to email "like a guy." Some people mistake a direct question for rudeness and it's baffling.
    via Emkems
  • TaylorMade2566 Yeah, I've been told I'm blunt in my emails. So I started doing that "hope your week is going well" bs before I get to the meat of what I need. Give me a break. I have NEVER seen a man do this in their emails so why should I?
    via TaylorMade2566
  • par72565 Kudos for showing your boss their own bias by copying the email. It's a great way to make people see their own biases. Available_Ask_9958 And creates evidence for when she's fired and replaced with a man for "being r_de"
    via par72565
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    via Unsplash+ (and Vitaly Gariev)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • CuriousPenguinSocks I've had this happen, when literally I copy/pasted my managers old email and just changed/add the relevant information. It was so we were consistent with communications to other departments across the board. My manager didn't like it. So, I showed him the email (his) that I made into my template.
    via CuriousPenguinSocks
  • Just keep receipts for these things, and show them. Be polite about it, I like the innocent approach. Where I clearly lay out the evidence but in a way where I'm like "can you explain to me how these are different so I don't continue to do this again?" way. They never can and are forced to say so. Or, make the male coworkers change too. It's glorious when you use it against them.
    via CuriousPenguinSocks
  • Double-Phrase-3274 I had the SAME conversation with my manager around 1998. Not enough has changed
    via Double-Phrase-3274
  • CruisinYEG As a male manager, I had to tell my female staff how their emails come off(after some customer complaints). The customers told me how lovely they are over the phone but their emails feel dismissive. I try to be honest with my staff that it is a complete double standard and not fair at all. I absolutely can write emails differently than them and have the other party interpret it positively.
    via CruisinYEG
  • They've told me they really appreciate my candidness and have me proof read some of their emails (in conflicting situations) now and ask 'does this sound. bitchy?'
    via CruisinYEG
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    via Unsplash+ (and Getty Images)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • kagtxyz I was once told by my VP that I was too direct and needed to be more like a "Georgia Peach". I was a Director.
    via kagtxyz
  • Physical_Ad5135 This is not a surprise to me as a 50's woman. Coworker friend of mine was a woman in a high level managerial role. She got things done and was excellent at her job, but was very direct. Not r de in anyway and spoke much like her male colleagues. Her male c level manager gave her a review with the comment "BE SWEETER".
    via Physical_Ad5135
  • pencilforawingbone Amazing you got to call out your manager with such undeniable evidence. Leaving behind the people pleasing voice is hard if you've established that tone with your coworkers already, but they can learn to hear exactly what you're communicating without you having to soften it for them.
    via pencilforawingbone
  • Kairiste High fives for showing your manager the side by side emails! Glad he had the self-awareness to be embarrassed. Honestly is utter crop that we have to be so smiley and happy-happy. There's instances of other women who swapped email addresses with male co-workers and... surprise surprise... the male was responded to less often, while the woman saw an increase in engagement with clients. uckin patriarchy.
    via Kairiste

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girlpower workplace-stories professional manager work story email millennials female coworker upper management Business Cat female employee equality gen z justice served workplace professional emails women supporting women karma
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