‘They had gone to therapy and "worked on their issues" but willingly chose not to do the same for me’: Woman refuses to forgive birth family after bio-parents blamed her for their struggles and decided she was not worth taking

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  • "AITA for saying my birth parents are awful people and my birth siblings are old enough to realize that?"

    "They blamed me for being born and abandoned me"
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  • This was a disagreement I had with my SIL and I need to hear if I'm wrong or not. We were talking about my birth family and how I won't ever give them a chance to be in my life if they
  • ever decide they want to know me. SIL felt that was unfair but mostly to my birth siblings and how they were raised in the environment that made them reject me. She also claimed my parents trauma should be taken
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  • into account. I said I didn't care and my birth parents are awful people for how they have treated me and my birth siblings are now old enough to realize this and do better.
  • For some background: When I was F6 and my birth siblings were F4, M3 and F6 months we were removed from our birth parents and placed into foster care separately. I was devastated and spent over a year begging to go home to my parents and siblings.
  • I was bounced around a lot and was considered difficult to place because of my desire to go home. Even though I didn't have the happiest memories of my birth family the younger me was
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  • very attached to them all and didn't really care that I was somewhat neglected and ignored. To me they were my family and I loved them.
  • Roughly 18 months after I was removed a temporary case worker was assigned to me while my normal one was sick. She told me I needed to stop pining after my family and asking to go home to them. She said it was making
  • families reject me. When I told her I missed my family and wanted us to be together again she told me my birth parents had already taken my birth siblings back, months before that point, and had chosen not to take me
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  • back. She told me to accept that and move on and stop wanting them. I don't know why she told me that and expected it to help but it broke something inside of me and for most of my life I was
  • left wondering why and struggling with the reality. When I was 9 I was placed with my parents and they stuck with me when everyone else found me to be too much and they gave me a
  • home and a family (eventually two siblings) and they probably saved my life. But it couldn't remove the trauma | carried around with me and it left questions unanswered.
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  • I should also mention that I confirmed later that what the case worker told me was correct and my birth parents had taken my birth siblings out of foster
  • care a year after we were placed in care. Apparently they had gone to therapy and "worked on their issues" but willingly chose not to do the same for me.
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  • In my mid-20s when I got engaged to my husband and we agreed we wanted a family, I decided I needed to find some degree of closure or try to at least, because therapy alone
  • wasn't enough to stop that little girl inside from crying and wondering why she wasn't wanted as well. I did a birth family search and ended up connecting to my cousin who not
  • only remembered me but after seeing a photo I remembered her as well. I was sent to her parents house frequently to play with her something I had blanked out honestly.
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  • After we reconnected I asked her questions and firstly she confirmed that my birth parents and birth siblings didn't want to meet me and secondly that I was not thought of well in my birth household. I found out that I had
  • been a twin and my twin brother had been stillborn and my birth parents blamed me, and fell into depre son and didn't take the best care of us but after therapy they realized they loved and wanted their younger three kids.
  • But I was still who they blamed. My birth siblings knew the story and my cousin had attempted to show them how fed up it was but they hated me and saw me as a waste of their time.
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  • Hearing the story, finding out the truth, and even seeing the grave where they had called him a big brother to our three younger birth siblings but no mention of me was difficult. I did struggle for
  • a while. But with my family and husband (then fiance) around me I healed and finally put that little girl who wondered why to rest.
  • I got married and my husband and I had children together once I had become a healthier version of myself. My cousin and I are very close and she's estranged from my whole birth family, including her parents.
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  • My ILs knew about my history and I was open and honest with them about everything I had learned and been through. In part because the person they first met was a very broken young woman
  • and my fiance and I stalled our wedding so I could get help and once I was in a better place I let go of any shame or guilt and realized I had no reason to hide.
  • For reasons not fully known to me (but my husband has an idea) my SIL brought the topic up to me and like I mentioned we disagreed and she found it very wrong of me to hold the view I do. She thinks I should be
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  • showing more grace to everyone but mostly to my birth siblings because it's how they grew up. She thinks saying they're old enough is BS when it took me so long to come to terms with
  • everything and heal. She believes my feelings show a lack of compassion. And while others disagree with her I wonder if I should be less harsh when addressing the topic of my birth family after all this time.
  • floweryfuzz "AITA for saying my birth parents are awful people? Well, let's see...they blamed you for being born and abandoned you, leaving you to struggle for closure and healing. Yup, pretty sure you're NTA. And your SIL needs a serious reality check."
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  • happycoffeebean13 NTA. SIL should keep her mouth shut about other people's families that she knows f I all about. What an insensitive . Trust your own institution, and don't bother with people who don't care about you. No contact with SIL also sounds like a great idea.

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