22-year-old college student interviews sister-in-law about giving baby up for adoption at 20, gets angry when she says she doesn't regret it: 'This was the only good decision for him'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Mar 21, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

Deciding to give a baby up for adoption isn't often a choice that an expecting mom makes easily. Even if she doesn't want a child or does not feel like she is in the right position to be a mom, it is still a hugely difficult process to go through an entire pregnancy and birth and then cut contact with the baby. There is a lot to consider with it.

Nonetheless, many birth parents maintain that adoption is the best choice for the child in their personal situation. Nobody makes a decision that momentous without there being what they believe is a very solid reason behind it. No matter what the drawbacks of the adoption process, it is frequently the case that if a baby stays with their birth family it would be a worse option for them. While it can be an emotive topic, there is logic to it.

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    Cheezburger Image 10483272704
    via Nini FromParis (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is exactly how one birth mom always felt about giving up her son at the age of 20. Now 34, she has faced opposition to her decision thanks to her sister-in-law, herself a young mom. 

    As a college student and aspiring social worker writing a paper on adoption, she wanted to interview her brother's wife about her experience of being a birth mom. She argued with her when she was told that she didn't regret it and that the difficult life she had at the time was totally unsuitable for a child. 

    The 34-year-old was chastised by her husband for answering her questions honestly when she knew the younger woman had a strongly anti-adoption stance, but she wanted to confirm if she was in the wrong.

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    Cheezburger Image 10483272960
    via Nini FromParis (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for letting my SIL interview me about being a birth mother knowing my answers wouldn't be exactly what she was looking for?

    I (34f) gave birth to a baby boy when I was 20 and I put him up for adoption. I don't know anything about him and never had any contact with his family or him. This isn't something I keep secret but I also don't go into the details frequently either. My husband's younger sister (22f) became a young mom at 17. She and her boyfriend considered giving their baby up for adoption but decided to keep their child and raise her. This made SIL passionate about adoption and adoptee rights and birth mother
    via AccentStreet
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    She's also a college student and focuses a lot on adoption for her assignments. She wants to be a social worker who helps people keep their kids so adoption becomes a thing of the past. I'm the only birth mother she knows well enough to ask for an interview and when she asked I said yes. Her questions focus around a few areas from why I gave "my own baby" up for adoption to what could have changed it and did I have any regrets. She also mentioned some studies about skin to skin and if I could go
    via AccentStreet
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    I'll sum up what I told her/answered with. I have zero regrets about giving the baby up for adoption and if I had to remake the choice, I would. This was the only good decision for him. For that reason even though skin to skin has benefits I would not have held him knowing about those. Had I held him at all I would have kept him and his life would not have been good.
    via AccentStreet
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    d by I was not selfless enough to put him first. He would have been a my ex-partner and I would have stayed. He would have been living among dr s, s and all sorts of things with random people coming in and out and I would have stayed. Keeping him would not have changed that. All it would do is give him more trauma. The person I was back then was not going to change for a baby. I could have been given a free house, free childcare, a job and all kinds of supports and I still would've gone back and
    via AccentStreet
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    I told her I went from one a e household (my parents) to another (my ex) and that I was enjoy being rebellious and my parents off. That my ex was everything they hated and they were everything I hated so I clung to my ex. And because the baby wasn't his he was never going to accept him. I told her looking back at me then and knowing how innocent that precious little boy was I would have been a monster for keeping him. I told her even back then I knew I wasn't going to sacrifice like that for him
    via AccentStreet
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    SIL argued with me on the point of resources. She said I have no way of knowing if I would have made a better life for us if they was offered. I told her I do know. I told her I know that 20 year old me better than anyone ever will. And the only life I would have given him would be one full of a e and neglect. That he never would have been my number one priority. She argued adoption might not have given that to him either but I told her it gave him more of a chance than staying with me did. She
    via AccentStreet
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    She's mad about it and my husband told her she came to me and was wrong to be mad at me for answering the questions honestly. She said I made her work harder. AITA? And I'm asking because I knew my answers wouldn't be the kind she wants to write about but I agreed to do this anyway in part to try and open up her mind.
    via AccentStreet
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    Everybody else completely agreed with her honesty.

    alargewithcheese NTA is she writing a paper for if she's gonna have confirmation bias?
    via alargewithcheese
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    AccentStreet OP That's her with all of this work she's doing. Or at least from what she's said. Her whole goal for her future is to prevent adoptions by being a social worker. All her focus is on the evils of adoption while she ignores why it's also needed.
    via AccentStreet
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    Other-Ad7495 Your SIL is gonna be in for a r de awakening once she starts working and she meets the kind of parents your 20 yo self would have been.
    via Other-Ad7495
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    Sweetcilantro nta She needs to see both sides if she's writing a paper about it. If she is purposefully skewing the data one way she won't be a very good social worker as she will ignore what doesn't fit her narrative.
    via Sweetcilantro
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    Audi_Cat She won't be a good or an effective social worker at all. She has this skewed view of adoption. Each case a social worker takes on must be vetted thoroughly to find the best outcome for each family. Sometimes adoption is the best option in these cases. She'll be hurting families instead of helping.
    via Audi_Cat
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    Martha T001 NTA You have your own perspective and gave her a thoughtful interview. She's mad because it doesn't line up with her worldview. Too bad. She's been brainwashed into thinking that only her solution is the correct one. BTW, you appear to have made a very mature decision at 20.
    via MarthaT001
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    em 1992Bo NTA your SIL is so closed minded and has tunnel vision for her paper.
    via em1992Bo
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    MyLadyBits Yah and that's a winning trait to have as a mother. Feel bad for kids.
    via MyLadyBits
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    judgingA-holes NTA - Honestly she needed this realization. Even if better resources were available, adoption will never go away because some people just aren't made to be loving, supportive parents whether that's internal or external reasons of why. What she is suggesting is "F the loving, supportive, need to be there for you child part of parenting, as long as you have resources where he has a roof and won't starve to death then you should keep the child. And this is just not how it does nor sh
    via judgingA-holes
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    AccentStreet OP This right here. I did end up turning my life around but he would have been 6 or 7 before that happened and imagine expecting him to wait that long in foster care before being returned to me. So much harm would have been done in those earliest years. Not to mention when I later had kids I can imagine the trauma of watching me be there always for them while knowing I didn't aways have him. There are so many reasons why I don't support this idea that resources are all that's needed
    via AccentStreet
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    PleaseCoffeeMe NTA. SIL was trying to get her answer. Not every situation is the same. If SIL wants to be a good social worker, she needs to look at each situation individually, and with empathy.
    via PleaseCoffeeMe
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    Bonnm42 NTA I would tell her "Research papers can change people's opinions. You are researching both sides. You knew one, now I have given you the other. If it made more work for you, perhaps the POV of your paper is wrong. However I did this to help you. I don't think it's fair to be mad at me just because I didn't share your POV."
    via Bonnm42
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    CaligoAccedito She is doing a terrible parody of research. Her paper would not pass any kind of peer review. Her questions are biased, her results are predetermined by her clear bias, and she's rejecting the opportunity to present a legitimate viewpoint that doesn't confirm her preconceptions. As someone who went to school for the science and analysis side of psychology, I legitimately hope this person doesn't end up a social worker, because her attitude is very likely to hurt vulnerable people
    via CaligoAccedito
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    SunnyLittleFuexle NTA on the paper obviously. I can't quote on here but you said you weren't selfless enough to put him first. And I disagree. You gave him a chance. You gave him up for adoption. I am sure it was not an easy decision. I am very glad you seem to have found peace with it. I see mothers taking their babies into all sorts of environments because they want the cute little newborn. Until it's not so cute and stinky and doesn't sleep. And then the cycle you described starts. You are ve
    via SunnyLittleFuexle
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    Strong Arm8734 NTA, she wants validation not valid data.
    via Strong_Arm8734
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    Inevitable_Project49 NTA I also placed a child for adoption when I was 20. You made the right decision for you and told the truth. Stand tall.
    via Inevitable_Project49
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    JustOneMore_Cat As an adopted person - OP, thank you. You made an informed choice that while you may have thought you were putting yourself first, you were actually putting your child first. You have an incredible level of self-awareness that your SIL lacks. The world is not "black and white", it is infinitely grey. Your SIL wants the word to conform to her opinion. She will make a horrible social worker as she will not support others who do not conform to her view. You are NTA, but she is a gia
    via JustOneMore_Cat
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    lucifero25 Your SIL obv isn't understanding the point of university and studies and papers is to get information on all sides and present it and develop your own knowledge of the complexities of topics. Trying to enforce her "morals" or beliefs into it to make it more propaganda based just makes her look like an idiot. You obviously have made your points very well and clearly and she can't argue them with facts so now she's just ped. f her
    via lucifero25

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adoption birth mom aita baby sister in law argument family reddit thread Reddit mom interview college student
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