19-year-old finds out she's adopted at 17, adoptive parents rage after she meets her bio mom and reveals her anger at the secret: 'My parents treated me as ungrateful for asking questions'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Feb 3, 2025 6:00 PM EST

While being a parent under any circumstances is a huge responsibility, there are some instances where parental duties are even heavier than usual. For obvious reasons, one example of this is those who choose to adopt children. Not only does this mean that you are agreeing to raise a child, but also that you are willing to deal with any issues that arise when it comes to their birth family. Every adoption scenario is different, but it is usually something that can't be ignored.

However, that doesn't stop some adoptive families from trying their best to do exactly that. In some ways, it is understandable to want to keep things simple, but that doesn't mean that it's right, or that things will always stay this way. Most adopted children find out about their past sooner or later, even if they were adopted when they were too young to remember anything about it.

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  • This is exactly what happened to one young woman after her grandfather accidentally revealed she was adopted when she was seventeen. While it made some parts of her childhood make sense, she was still curious to find out more and ended up tracing her birth mother over the next couple of years, and eventually meeting her family. 

    For a long time, she kept this activity a secret but she eventually felt the need to tell her adoptive parents. They were initially surprised at what she had done, then angry when she talked about being upset that this secret was kept from her. It led their daughter to question if she had been unreasonable.

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    Cheezburger Image 10462402304
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for telling my adoptive parents I feel anger towards them?

    I 19F was adopted at birth. I don't know this until I was 17. I found out in the worst way possible. My grandpa was drunk and told me. I asked my parents and they confessed. They called me ungrateful for asking. After finding out I was adopted a lot of things suddenly made sense. My parents family often excluded me from things like family pictures and reunions. My mom would fight it (sometimes) but it wouldn't help. It felt like I never fit in.
    via throwawaytensionsall
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    When I turned 18 I moved in with my roommate. She said it might be cool to find out who my biological parents are. I asked my parents and once again I get called ungrateful. I didn't know were to look from there. My roomie suggested one of those ancestry DNA tests to find a match. We did that and boom, I got into contact with my biological uncle via email and soon after that, phone. After that he told my biological mother about the situation. She freaked out. We met and it was an amazing experie
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 05
    I got to meet the rest of my bio family as well. Since my parents treated me as ungrateful for asking questions about my biological family I didn't tell them. I did, however, recognize that I would need to tell them eventually. I knew they would be angry but it had to happen. I visit them every so often. Keeping this secret from them was starting to make me feel guilty so I decided to tell them yesterday. I texted my mom asking if I could come over for dinner. She said yes and I had a conversati
    via throwawaytensionsall
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    Their initial reaction was one of shock. My mom asked my siblings to go to their room so she and my father could talk to me alone. To my surprise, they weren't angry. They asked my why I did it. I told them the truth. Curiosity got the best of me. I thought my blood was theirs for 17 years and when I found out it wasn't, I had to find out where it comes from. They asked in what way could I forget everything they did for me and that family is more than blood connections. I told them I didn't forg
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 07
    My mom got really offended by this. How I could feel anger towards her was incomprehensible for her and my father. I told them it's best I should leave. My mom told not to come back until I learned some gratitude and learned to appreciate family. I'm sorry for any typing mistakes I made. I'm typing this at night and this is a stressful situation. AITA?
    via throwawaytensionsall
  • 08

    The community sympathized with her difficult situation.

    Impossible_Disk_43 NTA. When people adopt, the idea is that the child is treated exactly as their own. By allowing the extended family members to mistreat you, they did not do right by you and I expect they know this. You were also wronged by the secrecy around the adoption. You are not being ungrateful by doing what most adopted children think of doing. Blood relatives are a mystery in most families, but for adopted ones, it's magnified. Please don't feel guilty.
    via Impossible_Disk_43
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    PurpleBeast27 I've never understood why adopted children are expected to feel "grateful" like their adopted parents did them a huge favor - they didn't ask them to do this any more than a child is asked to be born. They chose to adopt OP and raise her out of love, they aren't owed anything back except love. She shouldn't have to owe them her gratitude the rest of her life and they shouldn't be throwing it in her face like this - basically saying "how could you do this to us after all we did for
    via PurpleBeast27
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    Wic-a-ding-dong Because they're seen as a charity. There's a lot of people that adopt, that wouldn't have adopted if they could have kids of their own. The adoption is the last resort to have kids, because otherwise they can't have kids. But they don't actually want to adopt, if they could they would spend millions on IVF and have their own. And those people, see the kid partly as a charity case. Yes, they couldn't have kids, and they wanted kids, but look at how good we are being with this adop
    via Wic-a-ding-dong
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    congorebooth My sister and her husband adopted twins at birth, and I am grateful every single day to their birth mother. I think about her every day. They are a gift we could not possibly pay back. Our responsibility is to care for them to the best of our ability and give them all the love we possibly can. They don't owe anyone anything, their only job is to continue thriving and becoming their little selves. Whatever hardship we might experience as a family is something we signed up for willing
    via congorebooth
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    Elegant Bluebird_460 NTA. I am an adoptive mother myself. No parent, adoptive or otherwise is ever owed anything from their children. That includes gratitude. And the fact that you have a problem with something they did in no way erases any gratitude you may feel, and clearly you do as you stated as such. To me this speaks of some difficulty in emotional regulation on her part. Her reaction was terrible, but unsurprising coming from someone that hid such a fundamental thing from their child for
    via Elegant_Bluebird_460
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    No-Throat-8885 Wow. You found out at 17? That's wild. NTA. Of course you're curious. Your parents sound unreasonable. I hope they calm down with time.
    via No-Throat-8885
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    C_Majuscula NTA I would be pretty upset at people who lied to me for 17 years and allowed family members to mistreat me. Being grateful doesn't mean being a doormat.
    via C_Majuscula
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    PsychologicalGain757 Yes, and gratitude needs to be reciprocal. Children should be grateful for decent parents, but parents should also be grateful for their children. This idea that your kids owe you something is a bit wild. Mutual gratitude and respect should be the norm and of course people should help their loved ones if they can, but people take it to unhealthy levels and use it to guilt trip people. Not cool at all.
    via PsychologicalGain757
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    Polly-Phasia Absolutely NTA. Firstly, everyone has the right to know their biological history. You are the same age as my (adopted) daughter and the idea that you should tell your child they are adopted as young as possible and not keep it a secret was already well established when she was an infant so it's not like they didn't know. They did not keep it from you to protect you, they did it to make it easier for themselves. Secondly. Why should you be grateful? You didn't ask to be taken from yo
    via Polly-Phasia
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    I would encourage you to connect with some other adult adoptees (there are some Reddit groups) who can help you to understand your feelings and rights.
    via Polly-Phasia
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    RoyallyOakie NTA...your adoptive parents have mentioned gratitude way too many times. You don't have to feel grateful. It's they who have some lessons to learn.
    via RoyallyOakie
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    Dittoheadforever You're NTA. They called me ungrateful for asking. They concealed the truth from you for 17 years and probably never would have told you. You have every right to be angry about that That actually made me more grateful for my parents. Sounds like the best and most healthy outcome. Is happening here. You're building connections with your biological family and have a renewed sense of gratitude to your adoptive family. Would your adoptive mom have preferred it if your biological fami
    via Dittoheadforever
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    squigs NTA I'd be surprised if you didn't have a lot of conflicting emotions about all this. I think the suggestion that you're ungrateful is very unsympathetic!
    via squigs
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    MorriganNiConn I think it is a horrible thing that some adoptive parents have the mistaken belief that the child(ren) they adopt owes them gratitude for anything. That makes the whole thing transactional and manipulative. You have every right to feel angry with them. It's 2025. They should have been telling you your adoption story by the time you were in Pre-K and then all the way through to HS or until you told them you didn't need to hear any more. You're NTA
    via MorriganNiConn
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    Sufficient-Cow-2972 NTA Therapy might be a good bet to protect yourself. Your parents basically used the "how not to treat an adoptive child" as a checklist and a confirmation from a professional that you are not in the wrong might help your self esteem. You can be grateful they gave you the life they did and still have the right to find out about yourself. It is far from mutually exclusive.
    via Sufficient-Cow-2972
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    Victor-Grimm NTA-I noticed that mom was doing all the talking and am betting dad was quiet. If so then try to have a 1 on 1 with dad because I bet he probably isn't on the same page as mom. I could be wrong.
    via Victor-Grimm
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    the_greek_italian NTA. Your adoptive parents are the AHs. First, they're mad that you asked for the truth if you were adopted, then they're mad that you're not "grateful" after you just said you were. Do they think that now that you know you're adopted that you basically owe them in some sort of way? Like, "we took you out of a poor situation, you should be praising us." Parents, blood or not, shouldn't have let any other family make you feel excluded, or make you feel like you did something wro
    via the_greek_italian

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