18-year-old refuses to be the guardian of his 12-year-old stepsister because he already committed to caring for his 14-year-old brother: 'My stepdad said I'm perfectly capable of doing it for both'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
Apr 24, 2025 8:00 AM EDT

Many people have to accept at a very young age that they will eventually serve as full-time caretakers for their family members. Whether it's a parent who is aging and doesn't have enough money for retirement, or a sibling who isn't independent enough mentally to take care of themselves, it's a big burden to bear. 

The duty of caring for another adult is very different than caring for your own child, who will hopefully grow more independent with time and be able to move out and live life on their own. If you're the caretaker of an adult who presumably won't become independent, and will likely become less and less independent as time goes on, that's a lifelong commitment. Sure, some people are more than happy to throw their aging parents into a nursing home or commit challenged family members to be a ward of the state, but most want what's best for their family, and that's often staying at home.

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  • The young man in this story has already accepted responsibility for his 14-year-old brother in the event of his mother's and stepfather's passing. What he hasn't accepted is that very same responsibility for his stepsister, despite his stepfather pressuring him to do so.

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    สวัสดีหัวหิน H TOKYO
    via Judah Wester

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for refusing to become my stepsister's guardian when my stepdad and mom can't when I already agreed to being my brother's?

    My brother (14) and stepsister (12) both require full time care because of their au sm. Both are non verbal. My brother has the ability to do some stuff for himself but he can't ever care for himself and one day he'll need to be placed in a proper facility that can provide care for him. I (18M) always knew it would fall on me to take over guardianship some
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
  • 03
    day and to make sure he's in a good place and cared for well and to visit. My younger sister (13) has always promised to help me but neither mom or I want it to fall on her. My dad d d when my brother and sister were really young so I have always tried to help where I can.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    Cheezburger Image 10497771520
    via Alexander Grey

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.


     

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    When I was 13 my mom met my stepdad. He had two daughters and his oldest had au sm too. She's a lot like my brother but has not got the skills my brother has and she requires a little more care than my brother.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    There was a difficulty from the start where my stepdad hated seeing me help with my brother and care for him so well but I never offered to do the same for my stepsister. He would ask and I'd usually say upfront I couldn't go from helping with my brother to my stepsister because I needed to focus on school and I needed down time. He asked me to
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    choose my stepsister instead of my brother at times and I told him I couldn't do that. He told me his younger daughter (9) is too young to help out and I told him he'd need to figure out an alternative.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    Cheezburger Image 10497771776
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    At some point he and my mom talked about what would happen to my brother when mom's too sick or dies and they somehow came up with the idea that because I'd take guardianship of my brother that I'd do the same for my stepsister. I only found out
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    about this when my stepdad mentioned the fact I need to get to know my stepsister better so I can know how to advocate for her better. Because it wouldn't be fair for my brother to get better care because I know him and what he needs. That's when I was
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    like wth are you talking about and then he brought my mom in and they said they expected me to do it for both. Mom asked me could I honestly just make sure my brother's okay. I told her yeah because he's my brother and it's a big responsibility that will require me to keep watch over everything and to make sure he's
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    being treated well and staying healthy and will mean being with him when he gets sick and stuff. My stepdad said I'm perfectly capable of doing it for both when I won't be taking care of them day to day and that it was disgusting that I'd let his daughter rot. I told him I won't let his daughter rot. That if he refuses to find someone else that'll be on him.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    They're really pissy about it so now I'm wondering AITA?
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    Petal_Muse - You're not saying you don't care — you're saying you know your limits. That's not selfish, that's mature
    via u/Petal_Muse
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    FullGuide5069 And OP also being realistic about the parents' demand. Too bad the parents failed to see and recognize it.
    via u/FullGuide5069
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    East_Membership606 This is a really big ask to take on one child let alone too. Your mom and your stepdad need to have back up plans for these kids that don't involve you.
    via u/East_Membership606
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    Usual-Canary-7764 I was going to ask whether both parents realise that OP is well within his rights to say no to BOTH kids if they keep this charade up right? NTA OP
    via u/Usual-Canary-7764
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    Particular-Try5584 ΝΤΑ. Without your step dad around... talk to your mum. Say "Look I have limited capacity, now and into the future. I know my limits, or am getting to know them. You need to talk to stepdad and come up with a plan for stepsister. It's not that I don't want to help, it's that I know I won't be capable of giving either of them a good job if I take both on. If your goal is to have a good
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    out come for them both... get them both their own advocate. One of them is a lot, two is too much. And FWIW you need a back up anyway... what if something happens to me and I can't help - a drink driver totals my life, and then what happens? This is your job as a parent, not just of my brother. But as MY parent... don't overload me, protect me too." And then go and leave it to her to handle. Does stepdad not have any family?
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    ConstantTreacle1157 OP He has a couple of siblings but they have some very sick views on people with d and would dump his daughter wherever and leave her to be treated like sh. H_I they'd do the same if they had her in their care. They're not very good people.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    Particular-Try5584 Then he needs to come up with a serious plan. As does your mum. So... you deserve the right to a naturally lovely life too. Yes, you feel an obligation to help out with your brother... but at what point does that kick in, and at what point do exceptions stop this?
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    Because this is a life long commitment. A dog is a big commitment but has a fairly short lifespan. A whole human is.... Lifelong. And your own life deserves to be yours too... you deserve to be able to marry, have kids. Get a degree, get your own career, move wherever in the world that career requires you to be at what ever time. Save money for your own retirement.
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    And your mum needs to focus herself on achieving that for you. Is there a reason why she wouldn't still be your brother's advocate in 20 years time? Why is this a 'thing' right now? And if there is... she really still needs to make plans... because if you ever run afoul of a rubbish truck on ice, or even just break your leg for a while, or get sick or need to move states for work... she needs a back up plan for her son. You deserve the right to your own life too.
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    Yes, you can help. But you are a kid. Even when you are 18. 20, 25... this is HER responsibility. As for stepdad and stepdaughter... same applies. His responsibility. And while you might be able to help her occasionally... he needs to make proper plans for her. And both of them need to put together trust accounts to pay for clothes, medical, dental, LIFE for these two kids. Not expect you to top their lives up forever.
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    And then, when those safety nets are in place, you can feel much more sure that you can take on this responsibility. That you will help and support and be involved. Until then it's a screaming dumpster fire of lost opportunities for you and a prospective life of poverty and stress.
    via u/Particular-Try5584
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    SeaworthinessDue8650 Your mother's husband has two kids. His second child can take care of the first. Otherwise it is his responsibility to find an alternative. Tell him that you are not taking on anymore responsibility. ΝΤΑ.
    via u/SeaworthinessDue8650
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    ConstantTreacle1157 OP I have and he's not liking it still. I've done what I can and if he decides to name me against my wishes then he'll have to live with the consequences when I say no to whoever comes for me to take care of her.
    via u/ConstantTreacle1157
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    lexi2222222222 Op read my comment I've posted up. Also can't say this enough DON'T SIGN ANYTHING OR AGREE ORALLY TO ANYTHING. they WILL take advantage.
    via u/lexi2222222222
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    DriftingHermit The age gap between you and your brother is similar to your step sister and her younger sister tell your step dad to ask the younger sister once she's a bit older and when he starts complaining about how unfair that is ask him how did he think it was fair when he asked you to focus solely on your step sister and ignore your brother
    via u/DriftingHermit

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family drama guardian teenager teenage brother mother teenagers stepfather reddit story family sister stepdad stepsister reddit thread Reddit mom
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