Dad serves as sole caretaker for his 2 and 4-year-old sons despite working full time and mom staying at home, mom threatens to split up the siblings if they divorce: 'I don’t trust her to take care of Ivan alone.'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Feb 8, 2025 1:00 PM EST

Ah, the equitable division of labor in and out of the home. It's something that everyone, from roommates to couples to parents, aspire to, but few can achieve fully. You can't always quantify chores down to the minutiae, nor should you want to. If I kept a log of every dish I washed and compared it to every dish my roommates washed, it would be fruitless and cause unnecessary turmoil where there need not be. We're all happy as long as we all do our part using the honor system and the apartment is generally clean. 

It's easy for someone living in a house where everyone contributes their fair share not to notice the amount of household chores their housemates are doing. But when it is incredibly apparent that only one person is doing nearly every household task, it must be addressed, or things will quickly get out of hand. 

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  • The family in this story has an arrangement that's more than out of hand. Despite working full time, the dad is the sole caretaker of his two young sons: waking them, dressing them, sending them to daycare, and getting them ready for bed. His wife sometimes cooks dinner, but that's about it.

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    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    AITA for Asking My Wife to Help with Our Kids Even Though She Says It’s My Responsibility Now?

    I (36M) and my wife, Sally (37F), have been together for five years and have two boys-Nick (4M) and Ivan (2M). Sally moved to my state to be with me, but she never found a job that was a good fit, so she's been home since we had Nick.
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    When Nick was born, she wanted to breastfeed but struggled, so we switched to formula while she tried pumping. Because she was recovering and pumping, she said she couldn't handle night feedings, so I did every single one. She also felt overwhelmed
    via u/Usual-Tune-8321
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    being alone with Nick during the day, so my sister (who lives 45 minutes away) started watching him. I handled almost all the pickups and drop-offs.
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    Even with that, I still did all the bathing and feeding at night. When Ivan was born, it was the same story—but even more extreme. Sally never once got up at night with him. Not one single time.
    via u/Usual-Tune-8321
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    Now, both boys are in daycare, and I handle waking them up, getting them ready, taking them to daycare, working, picking them up, and bringing them home. Meanwhile, Sally mops once a week, does laundry, and makes dinner though dinner is usually boxed mac & cheese for the boys and something air-fried for us.
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    via Blake Cheek (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    I'm exhausted. When I get home, I can't really do anything until the boys are in bed because Sally rarely takes care of them alone. We've had multiple fights about this, and in the past, she's said she "doesn't want the kids" and even talked about divorce. A few months ago, during another fight,
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    she changed her tune and said that if we split, she wanted to take Ivan. I shut that down immediately not only because the boys are extremely close, but also because she's never even woken up at the same time as them before. I don't trust her to take care of Ivan alone.
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    About a month ago, I finally told Sally I need help any help. Even just getting out of bed when the boys wake up to help feed them, change them, or get them into the car. She said she'd try. It's been over a month. Nothing has changed.
    via u/Usual-Tune-8321
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    I brought it up again, and she got defensive, saying I don't appreciate what she does do. She also said mopping is hard and hurts her body, so there's no way she can do more with the kids. Then she told me that since | insisted on keeping both kids if we ever divorced, it's my responsibility now and I deserve to be exhausted.
    via u/Usual-Tune-8321
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    I don't know what to think. I'm tired. I just want some help. But maybe I really am being an ahle for asking? AITA? Edited to add info.
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    My wife has had counseling multiple times including EMDR. We did couples counseling a few years back as well. Nothing has helped so far. I also did some talk therapy and am planning to start again. Also she refuses to even consider medication
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    Wife is not originally from this country and was disappointed in the help she received from my family. Also she is resentful at having given up her friends and life on her city to move in with me. She feels like she never should have moved here.
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    Also she does do some light cleaning. So the house is not a disaster. We have robot vacuum that helps with the main level. We've mostly had to hire someone to come clean every few weeks though.
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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

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    Also going to add that this is her third marriage and this is my first. She's shown a pattern in the past of running away from problems. But before getting married we discussed that.
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    AdBitter4706 NTA. Divorce her, get sole custody, and sue her for child support. You have already been a single father for the last years, it can only get better.
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    Individual-Key-8537 Agreed. He needs to nanny cam and record doing all the parenting. No one will believe him when the he said she said starts.
    via u/Individual-Key-8537
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    Critical_Armadillo32 That's the perfect solution, except right now she doesn't work. It will be interesting to see what happens if he follows through. Maybe she'll learn if she gets out on the street without a home, that she needs to make a contribution in life and not just take, take, take.
    via u/Critical_Armadillo32
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    chill_stoner_0604 except right now she doesn't work They will calculate income for her either based on her previous employment or using the minimum wage and charge child support based off that. I think it's called imputed income
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    KellyhasADHD This is correct, they impute income. Wife does sound like she's in mental health crisis, but unwilling to take additional steps to address it.
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    oop_norf Fully funded, no job, no childcare, minimal housework. That doesn't sound like she's in crisis, that sounds like she's got it made.
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    twilightswimmer This. She does not want the life y'all have. Let her go - and continue to be the awesome dad you are to your boys. You'll get child support and hopefully can hire some help even if it's just cleaning around the house.
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    MobileRub1606 NYA. Tell her that since she doesn't want to be a wife or mother, she needs to leave.
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    GardenSafe8519 Start documenting everything. Have a sit down with her and record your conversation (without her knowing) so you can play it for your divorce lawyer. Ask her why she's never gotten up with either child in the middle of the night, why she's never dropped them off or picked them up from daycare ..hell why she doesn't save you both the money by keeping the
    via u/GardenSafe8519
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    boys at home since she doesn't work. As her why on top of your full time job being home the money, ALL childcare also falls on you. Ask her why there's no nutritional meals for you and the boys. Ask her if she really meant it that she didn't want the kids It may not be admissible in court, but your lawyer would fight harder for you. Ask your sis if your wife has ever said anything about not wanting to be a mother.
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    When divorce is mentioned in a marriage, there's already one foot out the door and she was the one who said she didn't want kids and that if you split she'd want to split the boys too. Time to lose the de d weight and file that divorce with request for full custody. You're already doing everything on your own now anyway. And sounds like there's a lot of resentment on both parties which will only get worse.
    via u/GardenSafe8519
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    TheFish_25 Before you record, make sure where you live allows for one party consent.
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    pepperpat64 Did she even want children?
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    BlueButterflies139 He's been avoiding this question, so im gonna guess no, she did not want children.
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    Ok-Office6837 That was my guess too. PPD can be bad enough even when you actually wanted to become a mother, I could not imagine how much harder it would be when you were put in a situation you didn't want to be in. If I were her, I absolutely would not have survived the first pregnancy, and definitely not a second.
    via u/Ok-Office6837
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    QuarantineCasualty After she essentially flat out refused to parent the first child why in the absolute f second one with her? did you decide to have a
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