31-year-old boyfriend "saves" household chores to do together with 30-year-old girlfriend, only to sit on the couch and offer "emotional support" while she cleans: "I'm boosting morale!"

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    How do I set boundaries without turning this into a fight?

    "(He) treats basic adult responsibilities like they're two-player co-op games"
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    We've been together for 3 years, engaged for 6 months, living together for 2. Love him to pieces, he's smart, kind, funny, and once built me a bookshelf because I casually mentioned needing one (swoon). BUT.
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    The man treats basic adult responsibilities like they're two-player co-op games.
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    Example: He'll wait to do the dishes until I'm available to "do them together," which, in practice, means I wash everything while he tells me stories from Reddit and occasionally hands me a sponge like he's my pit crew.
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    Laundry? He sits on the bed and folds exactly two shirts, then gets "distracted" by his phone, moral support on standby.
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    Cheezburger Image 10519324416
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    Vacuuming? I wish. I think he believes the Roomba is doing a good enough job, except the Roomba only runs when I run it.
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    I've tried pointing this out nicely, even jokingly: Me: "I think you think you're helping by narrating while I clean."
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    Him: "I'm boosting morale!" Sir. I am not a medieval army. I am just trying to clean the bathroom.
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    He's not malicious or lazy, I genuinely think he believes we're bonding. But I end up feeling like the house manager while he's just vibing.
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    So here's my question: How do I get him to take full ownership of chores without turning it into a scorekeeping thing or killing the vibe of our home?
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    I don't want to nag. I also don't want to become the unpaid cruise director of our relationship. Tips? Scripts? Chore chart magic? I'm all ears.
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    CHORE JAR 2015 TIDY WAS 5: US M HOUSE SWEEP Sos Hones HOME MEEL
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    AnxiousTelephone2997 Honestly? Y'all are both adults. I see no point in beating around the bush on this one.
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    "When you say we should do chores together, it ends up being me doing the bulk of the work. This arrangement is, in fact, lowering my morale each
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    time it comes up. I want to come up with a different division of chores, where we are each responsible for entire certain tasks. I am open to other suggestions, however what we are doing now is not working for me in anyway".
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    allie06nd Yes, no more doing chores "together." You've tried it, and it doesn't work because you're not getting help, you're getting an audience. He needs to have set chores that he's 100% responsible for completing on his own because as it stands right now, there IS no division of labor.
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    Muted Piccolo278 Every time he sits down to scroll his phone, you sit down and scroll your phone. When he asks what you're doing tell him you thought 'we' were taking a break.
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    When it's time to do dishes, hand him the sponge, grab your phone and say that you will do the readings this evening.
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    Available-Maize5837 I'd take the phone away from him like a toddler and put it at the bottom of the washing. He can have it when it's done. I'm way more
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    confrontational these days and it would never have gotten to this point. I use my words. "Oi! You're not helping. You're not boosting morale. What would really boost morale is if you actually got off your and did the chores too".
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    thisbevic Completely agree. You're both adults, you need to communicate and tell him what's happening right now is not working and you need to find a solution that works for both of you.
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    moonsugarmyhammy My partner and I would "do chores together-- meaning I vacuum/mop whilst he does dishes and wipes down the kitchen etc. I wash the tub whilst he cleans the toilet/sink. Or vise versa. Lol
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    Cheezburger Image 10519324672
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    HatsAndTopcoats Why do you think that if you share your feelings, it will "turn into a fight"? Have you fought about such things before? What is his position in these fights? In general is he interested in your feelings? Has he
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    shown that he's willing to put in an effort and make sacrifices for the improvement of the relationship? Or has his past behavior shown you that when you say you'd like a change that he doesn't want to make, he attacks you?
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    Blonde2468 Because he has trained her NOT to bring up anything because then he turns it into a fight. This way, he does nothing and she does everything. Easy Peasy.
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    Fun_Influence_3397 Exactly! They only moved in together 2 months ago. Sounds like he's trying to train her to do 100% of the housework under the guise of 'teamwork', then will eventually start slipping away while she does it all on her own.

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