New hire finds herself navigating her male colleagues’ fragile egos, left wondering how to succeed at the job without shattering their inflated self-worth: ‘Eli is emotionally reactive, I can sense Ben feels Insecure’

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  • How to do well at job without threatening male colleagues??

    "He knows I'm smart and it doesn't sit well with him"
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  • I recently joined a new team, just 3 weeks ago, and have been working with two male colleagues ― let's call them Eli and Ben: -
  • Eli is emotionally reactive. Once I gently challenged a point he made about cost efficiency while we were chatting. Instead of
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  • collaborating, he dug in, got defensive, and insisted on proving he was right by going on a Googling spree for 2 minutes. It
  • was a small issue, but it felt like his ego couldn't tolerate being questioned and ever since, I've felt I need to tread lightly with him.
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  • Ben is articulate and comes from a similar background as me, but I can sense he feels threatened by me. I think he knows I'm smart,
  • maybe even smarter than him in some ways, and it doesn't sit well with him. He's an upper-middle- class, straight white guy; a woman
  • of color being as good as or smarter than him doesn't compute in his worldview. It feels like I have to make myself small to avoid making him uncomfortable.
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  • None of these men are outright hostile. But all of them have, in different ways, made me feel like | need to soften my tone,
  • downplay myself, or lead from the sidelines just to keep the peace. Has anyone else dealt with this?
  • Stretch-Sure Yes. I would not downplay your intelligence. It's their problem. Just don't rub it into their faces. Make friends with them. But do not share any bright ideas privately with them. They will steal it and take credit.
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  • wipCyclist I have been in similar situations myself and it s ks. You shouldn't have to make yourself small to keep the peace.
  • That said, you might want to read some material on how "power" works. Like for example the Robert Greene books. They're highly
  • controversial, but when studied from a "defense against the dark arts" mindset, they can be helpful.
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  • NolnteractionPotLuck I have had this same experience, they may try to undercut and diminish you at times. When it happened to me I simply ignored it, as long as they aren't in your management chain they can
  • sulk, complain feebly and you will fly right past them. Never coddle or play dumb to make them comfortable, I did that for way too long with this type- and all it did was assert
  • to them sexist power dynamics that require women to be humbled and lesser, they didn't treat me any better for it.
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  • gastledonna I read this as "How to do well at job without having to threaten male colleagues??" And I totally related to this. lol
  • PplPrcssPrgrss_Pod Keep grinding, be excellent, and the rest will sort itself out. Godspeed.
  • peggyscott84 Eventually, move to better environment. No one is threatened by someone less than them. These men are less.
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