New hire finds herself navigating her male colleagues’ fragile egos, left wondering how to succeed at the job without shattering their inflated self-worth: ‘Eli is emotionally reactive, I can sense Ben feels Insecure’

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Etai Eshet • Editor
Jun 29, 2025 9:00 PM EDT

Starting a new job should be about learning systems and remembering five dozen names, not moonlighting as the on-site nursery teacher for grown men with egos that could shatter if you so much as breathe in their general direction. But in the grand tradition of workplace "privileges" reserved exclusively for women, here she is, three weeks in, mastering the ancient art of tiptoeing through a minefield of masculine fragility with the grace of a ballerina and the patience of a saint who has seen some things.

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  • How to do well at job without threatening male colleagues??

    "He knows I'm smart and it doesn't sit well with him"
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  • I recently joined a new team, just 3 weeks ago, and have been working with two male colleagues ― let's call them Eli and Ben: -
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  • Coworker Eli registers the mildest suggestion as if you just revoked his snack privileges, spinning a casual cost-efficiency chat into a full-blown PowerPoint duel. Two minutes and three Google searches later, he has boldly defended his title as Office King of Overreaction, all to restore the crumbling kingdom of his self-esteem. Collaboration is for the brave, Eli prefers a world where his every word is met with applause and a juice box.

  • Eli is emotionally reactive. Once I gently challenged a point he made about cost efficiency while we were chatting. Instead of
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  • Cheezburger Image 10522604288
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  • collaborating, he dug in, got defensive, and insisted on proving he was right by going on a Googling spree for 2 minutes. It
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  • was a small issue, but it felt like his ego couldn't tolerate being questioned and ever since, I've felt I need to tread lightly with him.
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  • Then there is colleague Ben, who embodies the confused toddler at naptime whenever a woman with a brain crosses his path. Presented with evidence of your intelligence, he looks alarmed, as if someone has replaced his familiar toys with advanced calculus problems. His worldview cannot accommodate a colleague who is both competent and, inconveniently, not him. 

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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Ben is articulate and comes from a similar background as me, but I can sense he feels threatened by me. I think he knows I'm smart,
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  • maybe even smarter than him in some ways, and it doesn't sit well with him. He's an upper-middle- class, straight white guy; a woman
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  • of color being as good as or smarter than him doesn't compute in his worldview. It feels like I have to make myself small to avoid making him uncomfortable.
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  • None of these men are outright hostile. But all of them have, in different ways, made me feel like | need to soften my tone,
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  • downplay myself, or lead from the sidelines just to keep the peace. Has anyone else dealt with this?
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  • No one ever hands out awards for being the Emotional Eggshell Whisperer, but maybe there should be. In offices everywhere, women are winning gold medals daily for keeping peace among man-sized children who simply cannot handle a grown-up conversation with someone who dares to be brilliant.

  • Stretch-Sure Yes. I would not downplay your intelligence. It's their problem. Just don't rub it into their faces. Make friends with them. But do not share any bright ideas privately with them. They will steal it and take credit.
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  • wipCyclist I have been in similar situations myself and it s ks. You shouldn't have to make yourself small to keep the peace.
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  • That said, you might want to read some material on how "power" works. Like for example the Robert Greene books. They're highly
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  • controversial, but when studied from a "defense against the dark arts" mindset, they can be helpful.
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  • NolnteractionPotLuck I have had this same experience, they may try to undercut and diminish you at times. When it happened to me I simply ignored it, as long as they aren't in your management chain they can
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  • sulk, complain feebly and you will fly right past them. Never coddle or play dumb to make them comfortable, I did that for way too long with this type- and all it did was assert
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  • to them sexist power dynamics that require women to be humbled and lesser, they didn't treat me any better for it.
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  • gastledonna I read this as "How to do well at job without having to threaten male colleagues??" And I totally related to this. lol
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  • PplPrcssPrgrss_Pod Keep grinding, be excellent, and the rest will sort itself out. Godspeed.
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  • peggyscott84 Eventually, move to better environment. No one is threatened by someone less than them. These men are less.
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management boss workplace-stories hr manager bosses work PTO managers supervisor workplace Horrible Bosses work-life balance
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