13 and 14-year-old siblings refuse to accept mom's 34-year-old fiancé, he considers ending the relationship: 'They are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad'

Dating people with kids is often more of a challenge than dating those without, because yours are not the only opinions that matter. The fact is that for a blended family to work, everybody has to be accepting of the new dynamic. Most children are not going to immediately warm to a parent dating somebody new, especially if their other parent has passed. It is not an easy sell, even if the relationship is otherwise perfect. 

The harsh reality is that if you are dating someone with children who don't like you, that is probably going to be a dealbreaker for a relationship. It can be remarkably hard to get kids to change their minds with this kind of thing unless there is some kind of intervention that works a miracle. 

While it is often what the adults in these situations are hoping for, they are rare, and more often than not, agreeing to a higher level of commitment with a partner without the blessing of the children just creates more problems.

Author image for Ally Perry Ally Perry
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    a man sits on a couch with his head touching his hands
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    AITA for wanting to end my engagement because her kids don't accept me and I want a family of my own?

    1 (34m) have been with my fiancée (33f) for 6 years now. She was a widow with two kids when we met. The kids were 5 and 6 when their dad d d, they were 7 and 8 when I met my fiancée and we have lived together for the past three years and engaged for 7 months. We've all had individual therapy, family therapy and me trying to go at their pace but the kids don't like me. They won't like anyone their mom is with. That much is painfully clear. But they are so against me that I would not want to get m
    via Lyinc8988

  • For one man, this was the worry when he began considering that he might need to end his relationship with his fiancée. His reasoning was that even after several years of them being together and living together, her kids were not willing to accept him as a part of their lives.

    With all avenues of improvement exhausted, the man felt it was better to cut his losses than risk bringing more children into an unhappy family after they married. His fiancée and many of her other family members wanted him to reconsider, so he looked for a second opinion.  

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    It has been argued by some of her friends and mine that things might be this way because we're not married. That the kids would respect me and believe I'm staying if we get married. And I accept there's a chance of that. But what if we get married and they still hate me or maybe they hate me more?
    via Lyinc8988
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    The kids are willing to fight their own grandparents, aunts and uncles over me. They do not want to be my friend. They do not want to see me as an uncle or trusted adult, they do not want to see me as a parent and they will yell at their relatives for referring to me as one of their parents. Not even their dad. But as one of their parents. And they are very firm in not wanting me to be their dad. They said nobody can take their dad's place. I even told them I would never try but would like whate
    via Lyinc8988
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    Spending time with them is like dragging them to the dentist. They resist and act like it's the worst thing ever and they won't open up to me or have fun even 1:1 with just one of the kids. Not to mention they constantly disrespect me when I'm alone with them. I get slightly less disrespect when others are around but if they decide to make me spending time with them h I the disrespect is dialed up by 100.
    via Lyinc8988
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    My fiancée said she wants to get married and have more kids. That she's been ready for a while. She even proposed to me. But I have told her I do not feel good about it when her kids are where they're at with me. She knows I want kids of my own and she told me we'll have them. She seems willing to believe her kids will come around to the idea of me some day and that we just need to show them I'm not going anywhere. I think it's a big risk and one that is harder to break. As it is I could move ou
    via Lyinc8988
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    My fiancée's family desperately want me to stick it out and once I made my fiancée that I am seriously considering ending things they were begging me to commit and stick it out. They said the kids need someone as solid as me and we could still have the marriage and kids I want too. That she wants more kids. My fiancée said it's not fair that we have to break up over this. I told her she's not the one who has to live with kids who hate her and have admitted (to their therapist and to cousins) the
    via Lyinc8988
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    Commenters agreed that the situation needed to end.

    Dependent Prune 1580 I have a friend that's in the same boat, only he did marry and his step kids that he has raised nearly their whole lives still hate him. He isn't their dad and never will be. They are adults now and still treat him like he stole their mother from their father when the father was de d for over 3 years before he met their mother. It's really sad to see honestly.
    via Dependent_Prune1580
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    Lyinc8988 OP This is the future I don't want but is the one I see if I stay.
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    cthulularoo Don't go into this thinking adding more kids will help the situation. Until her kids accept you, having more kids will just make them feel replaced. NTA, there's a chance that the kids might accept you water you get married, but it's slim. I'd bail. No shame in recognizing a no win situation.
    via cthulularoo
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    Pikelets_for_tea NTA. You have been in the children's lives for six years and they are still hostile. They don't want you around. Therapy hasn't helped. Encouragement from family members hasn't helped. Marrying your fiancee would be a terrible mistake as the children aren't worried you may leave - they want you to leave. The best option is to end your relationship, however painful that may be. It's not fair to you or your fiancee but it's reality.
    via Pikelets_for_tea
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    Ambitious-Border-906 No, you're not. They're kids and they're obviously still hurting, but there's only so much that you can reasonably be expected to put up with. You have clearly tried to have this conversation with your partner but she needs to realise that their hostility has to end or you walk. Good luck, OP, I fear you will need it!
    via Ambitious-Border-906
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    ConsistentRecipe303 nta, no amount of love for your partner makes living with that level of hostility sustainable, marriage won't magically fix what six years of effort hasn't
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    A_username_here One thing is for sure, getting married or having kids to save a relationship has NEVER WORKED. You only have two choices at this point, either you break up or you get married and understand those kids may never like you, and you'll have to live with that.
    via A_username_here
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    Few_Bathroom4245 ΝΤΑ Sorry but you're going to have cut and run. Maybe they'll accept you one day, maybe they'll accept any kids that come along Or maybe they won't. Leave now or, probably, divorce later.
    via Few_Bathroom4245
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    Ginnylala Time to go. It's been years and no these kids do not seem to be ready yet. If you feel that you have done all I you can do, maybe it is time to separate. You seem to have put is an honest effort but the kids are still recovering and their is not a timeline of grief.
    via Ginnylala
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    Cute You676 NTA. Those kids are de d set on being complete hellions to anyone that their mother is involved with. Your fiancee' is doomed to spend the rest of her child rearing years alone because of the attitudes of her children. Run while you can.
    via CuteYou676
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    Traditional-Ad2319 I am shocked that she would even think of marrying you knowing how her kids feel. It's not fair to the kids and it's not fair to you. It sounds like you've done everything you can. But like you, I don't think forcing the issue is the way to go.
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    ChakraMama318 NTA- this is heartbreaking. But you have been together 6 years. They have dug their heels in and I would be surprised if something changed that. To be honest: my parents split and my mom started dating, and eventually marrying, someone I couldn't stand. Once my mother ripped me a new one for being rude- I was always polite, but he was never someone my sisters or I considered family. If we had been young enough for my mom to have more kids, we probably would have been decent to the
    via ChakraMama318
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    Suki-- NTA. those kids are around 13/14 if I got it right. they are teenagers, not little kids anymore. they know what they do, they don't want you there. you did everything you possibly could to make it right. and I don't want to know what will happen as soon as your kids / their half-siblings would come into the picture. if they would be as hostile to them as they are to you. I'm sorry for your situation.
    via Suki--
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