25-year-old refuses to be the legal guardian of her incapacitated 53-year-old father because he was absent during her whole childhood: 'My uncle suggested it should be me because I’m his daughter'

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Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Sep 6, 2025 8:00 PM EDT

Whether to be the primary caretaker of your parents in their old age is a difficult question to consider. For people who are close to their parents, both emotionally and geographically, it's a no-brainer that they are going to be the ones who will be there for them with whatever they need as they age. It might not feel like a burden, but rather an honor to help their parents because they put so much time into raising them. 

If you don't live in the same city as your aging parents, it can be a more difficult decision to move to care for them. If you need to take years off work to become the sole caretaker of an elderly person, it can significantly hinder your ability to make significant career moves in the future. Any gap in work history is a red flag to many employers, regardless of the extenuating circumstances. 

Of course, there is the moral quandary at play: "Is it unethical for me to deny my parents care?" Some might quote scripture, saying that they must honor thy father and mother, and refusing to take care of them is not spiritually sound. Others might begrudgingly take up the caretaker role because they would feel like a bad person if they didn't. 

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  • The answer to this question largely depends on the relationship between the parent and the child, and in this case, the daughter should have no qualms about refusing to care for her father. 

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    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Am I the bad guy for refusing to become my dad’s legal guardian even though my family wants me to?

    I (25F) have a very complicated relationship with my biological dad (53M). He was never really present in my life. When I was a kid, I would see him every other weekend, but 80% of the time he
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • was drink and passed out, 10% he just never showed up, and the other 10% he was actually fun to be around. He never came to any of my school plays or events (except my high school graduation).
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • My stepdad has always been there for me. He always showed up to every event, supporting me, giving me advice, and basically being the father figure in my life.
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  • Man in a red zip-up jacket driving with sunglasses on his head
    via Alexander Grey

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My biological dad has struggled with addiction and mental health issues for years. And it's gotten worse in the last 10 years. He's hasn't paid rent in a while, his apartment is often filled with alc ol cans, ciga ttes, and even cat & dog . He's tried to hurt himself several times. He's currently hospitalized. Me and my
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • dad's side of the family have always picked up after him after being hospitalized such as cleaning his apartment, visiting him and emotionally supporting him. He's tried stopping his addiction. We've talked to his social worker, but his psychiatrist keeps saying that he's all fine.
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • A while back, when he broke his hip, one of my aunts got upset at me because I didn't bring him groceries or cook for him. Instead, I contacted social workers and meal services to try to get him help, but he refused it.
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  • Apples, bananas, cabbage, and bagels in brown bags
    via Maria Lin Kim

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Now my family is talking about going to court to have him declared incapable of making decisions, so someone would be appointed to handle all his medical and financial decisions.
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • My uncle suggested it should be me because I'm his daughter. And I'm almost certain he's gonna ask me to let my dad live with me if he loses his apartment. The thing is... I don't want this responsibility. I also don't feel like
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • he's ever really been a parent to me. I feel guilty, but I also know being his guardian would completely drain me emotionally and financially. I also feel bad because he's my dad so I do feel like I have some sort of responsibility to help him out.
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  • I said that I don't feel confident taking this legal role but I'd be okay helping in other ways if needed. One of my family member offered taking that role and that she wouldn't mind. But I'm scared that my family will see me as heartless and selfish, and I'm scared they'll cut me off if I say no. AITA for refusing to become my dad's legal guardian?
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  • Traditional Pilot_26 NTA, your aunts and uncles should have protested this loudly when he wasn't involved in your life as a child. They are reaping what they've sown.
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  • timesuck897 Be as father. caring and supportive to him as he was as a
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  • Pesec1 NTA. Nope, nope, nope, NOPE! Stay away from that. If your aunts and uncles want him to have a guardian, they are free to volunteer for that role.
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  • oliviamrow NTA. Your uncle suggested it should be you because he doesn't want to do it. Because he knows what a huge drain on time, energy, money, and emotional well- being it would be for anyone. He doesn't necessarily owe it to your dad, but you definitely don't. Parents have a responsibility to their children; the reverse is not true. You don't owe your dad anything just because he managed to be fun a few days a year.
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  • You are 100% right to refuse, so please keep your chin up and stay confident. Your father already damaged your childhood. Don't ever believe that you owe him your adulthood too.
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  • Stormingtrinity NTA. Just because he sired you does not mean you owe him your life. He has not been a father to you, he has not taken care of you, and has chosen dr_s/alc ol over you for your entire life. His bad decisions do not obligate you to ruin your life to support him now.
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  • As for how your family views you, does it actually matter? Are you willing to set your entire life on fire for possible decades just so some people have a warm fuzzy when they think of you? As for them possibly cutting you off, where was that energy towards him when he was being a sh parent to you when you were a literal child? Do not set yourself on fire just to keep the man who chose drs and alcol over everyone else warm.
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  • WiseResponse9416 OP I wonder if they actually know how my dad was to me when I was a kid. I've never visited that side of the family other than Christmases. I don't know if they know that my dad was asleep every week and just not really present. He told me things that I should've never known as a kid too (stuff about my mom or himself)
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  • Thebeardedgoatlady Then tell them. When they pressure you, tell them what he was like. Then tell them you know they'll understand why you can't take this on, because you know they love you, and would have called him out on his behavior if they knew. Basically, that makes them the villains if they argue back. Sometime's it's okay to manipulate using the truth.
    via u/Thebeardedgoatlady
  • Key_Beginning_627 Is your mom still in your life? Just wondering if she could help advocate for you (I'm assuming these are people that were her former in-laws or who she at least knew well at some point.) If so, could she remind them how useless and absent your bio dad was most of your life and remind them that you owe him nothing so back tf off?
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  • WiseResponse9416 OP Yes, my mom is in my life. She married my step dad when I was 4 and he's been in my life since the age of 3. He's willing to adopt me since my province (Canada) allows adult to be adopted
    via u/WiseResponse9416
  • Spiritual-Bridge3027 You say a relative is fine with taking the responsibility. Tell them the support you are willing to provide and if they are really alright with it. If yes, Do it - let them be your dad's legal guardian etc. What other relatives think of you is honestly immaterial. People who have never been there for you, ones who are never going step in for you in your time of need, ones who never had your back - they do not need to occupy any space in your mind.
    via u/Spiritual-Bridge3027

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family drama guardian deadbeat fatherhood niece deadbeat dad aunt dad uncle legal guardian family caretaking stepdad daughter adult children Father
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