33-year-old boyfriend stays in close contact with his ex, goes to "cat-sit" in her house for 3 weeks straight, and gaslights his current girlfriend into thinking that she is in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable: 'It felt like there was no room for me'

Author image for Mariel Ruvinsky
Mariel Ruvinsky • Writer and Editor
Sep 10, 2025 10:00 AM EDT

Cats are innocent. We humans have our dramas and our problems, but our cats… our cats should not be a part of them. And they should definitely not be used as an excuse or a cover for our bad behavior. Which is what happened in this story. We understand missing your ex's cat. We do. We form bonds with our partner's cats all the time. It happens quickly, sometimes instantaneously. That's why we don't support adopting cats together until you are 100% committed to one another, because if things don't work out, you have to start having custody battles, and the ones who suffer the most are the cats. 

All that said… once you are in a new relationship, you cannot obsessively go back to your ex because you "love her cats". You cannot go cat-sitting for your ex for three weeks straight, living in her house, while completely ignoring your current girlfriend's discomfort. And no, you cannot use the cats as the excuse to go seeing your ex over and over, and that is clearly what is happening here. 

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  • 01
    picture of two cute cats looking in the same direction
    via Unsplash / Kelly - kelly104

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    Me (31F) have been dating my boyfriend Howard (33M) for a year and I have really been struggling with how to understand his relationship with his ex (dated for 5 years) (36F). I want to be ok with this relationship because she's clearly an important person to him but it feels weird.
    via supereffective711
  • 03
    She was very unhappy when him and I started dating. Asking personal questions, insulting me for not being vegan, getting upset we moved in together, etc.
    via supereffective711
  • 04
    The first incidence happened when I found out that Leslie had asked Howard to be her date for a wedding in Europe (Leslie's boyfriend, Josh, was busy) and Howard said he would think about it. She was upset by that and asked if it was because of me and said she could write me a letter or video call me to explain her side.
    via supereffective711
  • 05
    I found out after the fact and was upset. He did not understand because he said it was just as friends and he travels for work so it was easy. I said he should have told me about this right away. He talked to Leslie and she apologized "that my feelings were hurt".
    via supereffective711
  • 06
    The next incident happened when Howard rescheduled one of our planned visits (we do long distance - seeing one another every 2 months) to go cat sit (these cats are incredibly important to him) for Leslie and then. stay at her house with Josh for three weeks. I was clearly hurt by this and he understood and we rescheduled our visit to be longer but it still hurt.
    via supereffective711
  • 07
    While he was there, she saw a photo of me and had a super negative reaction and then told Howard that "It's ok because Josh says I'm more attractive than her". And my boyfriend didn't stand up for me or call out this behavior which hurt my feelings
    via supereffective711
  • 08
    Due to these things, I started to become more uncomfortable with their daily messaging and weekly video calls. The entire time he visited Leslie for 3 weeks, I felt awful. I finally was able to tell him that I wanted the video calls to stop and wanted him and Leslie to be leas emotionally codependent on one another and he talked to her. I said they were too intertwined and it felt like there was no room for me.
    via supereffective711
  • 09
    He agreed to stop video calls and told me. Or so I thought. A month later, I was asking how things were and he brought up how rhwie last video call went and I got upset.
    via supereffective711
  • 10
    I told him I had specifically said no more video calls and he said he "thought I meant less", but I told him it feels like he deliberately lied to keep what he wants and make me happy. He apologized and told Leslie no more video calls where she proceeded to say "I'm sad and disappointed, but can we still video call for my birthday?"
    via supereffective711
  • 11
    This response made me upset and my boyfriend didn't understand it. At the same time as this, I found out he specifically downloaded Snapchat to get cat updates from her and Josh. It is the only reason he downloaded the app and I had no idea this was happening.
    via supereffective711
  • 12
    I asked why this couldn't be done via messaging and sending photos that way. He said Leslie said rhey have a group that rhey send cat updates to and it would be easier for her if he was on it. But she doesnt just use it for cat updates as she has sent him vacation photos via Snapchat.
    via supereffective711
  • 13
    So after a month and a half of no video calls with Leslie, I could tell Howard was feeling upset. We talked about it as he had said Leslie was just a best friend, but he doesn't do the things with Leslie like he does with any of his other male or female friends.
    via supereffective711
  • 14
    He said they have special relationship that is different than exes and is different than best friends. I said I want to feel prioritized and he said I am clearly in different categories than Leslie and that he plans his life around me and talks to me so much more that the quantity isn't even comparable, but I still feel uncomfortable even though I do recognize how much effort he puts into our relationship.
    via supereffective711
  • 15
    So since he was so upset and explained it more, I said I would be comfortable if they could video call again because she's obviously important to him and I need to become more comfortable.
    via supereffective711
  • 16
    I don't know if this is jealousy or insecurity but I just want to be okay with this situation but it feels weird to me no matter how many times I think of it. I feel like my negative reaction might be wrong and I'm being immature about this! Any third party insight would be helpful TLDR: my boyfriend is very close with his ex of five years and I don't know if I'm the one being weird or they are
    via supereffective711
  • 17
    picture of a black cat licking an orange cat
    via Unsplash / fr0ggy5 - fr0oggy5

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • This… is just sad. Truly. We feel bad for this woman. This man has gaslit her to the point that she feels the need to go to the internet to get confirmation of what she clearly feels in her gut. He is not over her. She is not over him. And you deserve so, so much better. 

  • 18
    89mountie You seem to be the only mature person in this messed up group of people! Leslie is absolutely trying to manipulate the situation; keeping Howard closely connected while chipping away at the connection you and he have. I think Howard is aware of the dynamic but is fine with it because so far, you're allowing it, so why should he not have the attention of his "special" friend and his gf?? Win win for Howard!! And Josh? Good grief, don't know what Josh is getting out of this...these cats
    via 89mountie
  • 19
    supereffective 711 OP Can confirm that I've seen these cats and they are very cute
    via supereffective711
  • 20
    picture of two fluffy cats lying on a windowsill
    via Unsplash / Carol Highsmith's America - carolhighsmith

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • We hope that seeing all of these comments will help this woman make the right decision for herself. We hope that it gives her the strength. The less time you spend in this toxic relationship, the easier it will be for you to get over it. 

  • 21
    Still_Emu2334 You are the other woman in Howard and Leslie's relationship. Time to move on and find a partner that will appreciate, love and respect you.
    via Still_Emu2334
  • 22
    No_Jaguar67 Girl leave.
    via No_Jaguar67
  • 23
    XxLogitech98xX In my opinion, if some still has their exes in the picture then I will not date them. It just gets too tricky and complicated like you're seeing
    via XxLogitech98xX

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boyfriend cat thread drama ex girlfriend interesting story pet sitting Cats
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