‘[I] just want to paint the difference’: 4-months postpartum, new mom discovers the glaring differences with “helpfulness” between her mother and mother-in-law

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Oct 4, 2025 2:00 PM EDT

When it comes to becoming a new mother, you can use all of the help you can get. That being said, you should be the one in control of exactly how much and what kind of help you actually receive. There is nothing "helpful" about someone forcing advice on you that you never asked for while you're trying to heal and parent. And yet, there is always at least one person doing that to a new mother. 

 

In the case of this new mother, it was her mother-in-law (MIL). This surprised her because her mother-in-law was great and more helpful before the baby was born. Her mother was the one that she tend to have a little difficulty with due to an array of reasons. However, the second the baby was born, the MIL displayed her true colors. She was demanding and entitled. She would force the most condescending advice on the new mother like she didn't have a brain. However, her own mother was very sweet and made sure to give her baby the space she needed to raise her baby. Now, this new mom is wondering why two women, the exact same age, but one can remember what it was like to be a new mother and the other cannot…

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    via Unsplash+ (and Wesley Tingey)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • "Mother vs MIL"

    I'm almost 4 months postpartum and I wanted to show the difference between my mother and MIL's behaviour during this time.
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  • And how a baby can change those around you, some for the better and some for the worse. To preface I want to say that while
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  • I was pregnant, I fully thought that the "in laws" were going to be the grandparents we would like to have around a lot of the time.
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  • And do the holidays and getaways with etc. They live about 15 minutes away and were really excited during my pregnancy, being their first and possibly only grand child.
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  • They were overly generous and bought us a lot of stuff for the baby and constantly checked in on us and invited us over for dinner all the time.
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  • While the relationship was still a little awkward because I had only met the "in laws" for the first time halfway through my pregnancy, I did like them and they seemed to really like me.
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  • I was so happy that they were going to be the other set of grandparents for my child and was looking forward to having them in my life.
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  • My mother lives 3 hours away, we barely saw each other in the last year before my pregnancy, we talk but didn't see much of each other because of the distance.
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  • She was excited but not world ending excited, she has other grandchildren who are older now. My mum doesn't have much money so she didn't buy us much, which I didn't expect and didn't expect anyone to.
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  • I have enough money to buy everything I want to for my baby. But just want to paint the difference here. I kind of expected my mother to turn into a justno, being she's a lot more comfortable with me.
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  • And just some of her behaviour (not towards me) and mental health issues over the last couple of years. Now fast forward to baby arriving.
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  • Mother. Congratulations, she's beautiful I'm glad you're both safe and healthy. We're here for you when you're ready to have visitors.
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  • MIL. I want to see the baby, when can I see the baby? Why can't I come to the hospital day one? Can I come to the hospital now?
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  • What about now? Okay we'll come see the baby the second you're out of hospital then. And proceeded to stop by 3 times in the first week.
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  • She is still upset to this day that she wasn't allowed to visit in the hospital (I had no visitors, didn't want any) and wasn't told the second baby was born and wasn't allowed there while I was in labour.
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  • Mother. We want to buy you more stuff but we don't know what you need and I don't want to buy you stuff you don't need or want I know how quickly unwanted baby stuff can pile up,
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  • so you just let us know what and we'll get it. MIL. MIL and FIL bought us a lot of stuff already during pregnancy which was so lovely and generous and believe me I thanked them a million times but
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  • I asked them twice to please stop buying stuff and I got "what I can't buy stuff for MY grandchild?" Also some of the stuff like the cot she wanted to buy but didn't want to buy it in the colour I had chosen.
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  • Decke
    via Unsplash+ (and Getty Images)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Now, the MIL isn't even allowed to know when the second baby is being born, let alone, become an authorized guest after the birth. But her own mother, however, has earned more access to her grandchild. 

  • Another thing she bought, the baby carrier (which was to be worn by me I thought) she bought in a different colour than I had picked because SHE liked that colour better... PP mil went and bought a bunch of clothes in size 18 and 24months...
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  • so they wouldnt even be needed for another year and a half at least? Mother. EVERY TIME she's looking to give me advice it's "I'm not sure if this is still recommended you'd have to check but back in the day we used to *insert advice*"
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  • or "they may have better ways of doing this now you would probably know more but what I did with you is *insert advice*" MIL. Gives the stupidest most outdated advice I've ever heard and not as a suggestion but as a must do.
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  • Telling me I have to let my 5 day old cry it out and sleep train her and not to hold her because she will be spoiled, give her lemon water, but don't you eat anything with citrus, no don't dare get a bedside cosleep bassinet,
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  • you're spoiling her you're spoiling her YOU'RE SPOILING HER. Mother. *my need for a babysitter for an event next month mentioned* - "Oh aunt and I can come babysit if you'd like, but you might feel more comfortable with a professional the first time away from her,
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  • it just depends on what you're feeling. You let us know if you need us and we'll be there." MIL. Assumed without ever talking to me or my partner that my ebf newborn was going to sleep over her house on the couch with a pillow...
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  • pointing out and TELLING me, not asking, where my baby will be sleeping. Mother. Has never commented on what my body looks like. MIL. Looked down at my belly 5 days PP and asked if my c section belly could be bound to make it go down faster.
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  • Also said "don't worry if you walk everyday the weight will fall off". Mother. Asked once if she could kiss the baby on the back of the head, answer was no and she's said that's fair and never asked again.
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  • MIL. Has defied the only boundary and kissed baby multiple times, made a big scene wailing and guilting about how she loves the baby more than anyone in the whole world and she needs to be able to kiss the baby because it's good for the baby and it's her baby's baby so really it's not so much my baby and her friend gets to kiss her grand baby and how is she going to bond with a baby without putting her lips on it???
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  • Still after her massive scene, facing permanent no contact with my child her first question was "so when can I kiss the baby?" Cut off. Mother. Has never whined about not getting enough photos,
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  • I wasn't sending them all the time because I was busy mothering but did have an album app I uploaded to for the "in laws" when I mentioned I could add her to it she said she would love that she would love to see all the photos.
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  • MIL. I had actually created the album for the in-laws to get pics because I thought that would be easiest rather than texting them directly all the time. From day one I was adding to it every 1-2 days - "WE DONT GET ENOUGH PHOTOSSSS you need to send more everyday!!!
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  • You're depriving us of baby photos." Deleted from the album after that. Mother. Enjoys every minute she gets to spend with granddaughter even though it's not much because she lives so far.
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  • MIL. Complained every single visit about something that wasn't living up to her grandparent expectation and always mentioned that it had been too long since she last saw LO (4 weeks at most and as a consequence of her own behaviour) and that it's not fair
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  • she doesn't get to see her everyday so it needs. to at least be every week, is that too much to ask OP??? Two women the exact same age, why is it that one can remember what it was like to be a new mother and the other cannot?
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drama mother helpful newborn baby grandma parenting advice new parents mother in law new mom family it takes a village grandmother mom postpartum
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