30-year-old daughter is exhausted after financially and emotionally supporting her "live-in" parents, she wants to move out and reduce expenses, demanding they move in with her brother, but fears being seen as selfish: 'Treats my finances as his'

We often hear of adults who still live with their parents…but how often do we hear about parents who voluntarily live with their adult children? Most adults, especially those with their own little family, value personal space and a life of independence. If their parents needed them, of course, they would open up their homes to them, but having your parents choose to live with and be supported by their kids, despite not needing to, is something completely new to me. 

However, this is the reality for this 30-year-old woman, who's given up savings, a social life, and much of her patience after financially and emotionally supporting her parents and putting a roof over their head. The oddest part? They can very much afford to look after themselves, yet choose to place that solo strain upon their daughter. Her brother never contributes to helping her out, but instead turns a blind eye whenever their living situation is brought up. His way of saying I'm here for you, but not really. They say many people equally await and dread the day their children fly the nest, but this daughter is so desperate to save and experience her independence that she's willing to push her parents out of the nest…and straight into her brother's house. 

Author image for Emma Saven Emma Saven
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  • We fully agree with looking after your elderly parents in a time of need, but could it be that these parents are purposefully taking advantage of their own daughter's kindness and generosity? Not once have they offered to contribute to rent, utilities, or any other bills, while she's left covering for all three of them - with a brother that has disappeared, faster than you can spell d-i-s-a-p-p-e-a-r-e-d…So should she be riddled with guilt for wanting a change in her living situation? 

  • Senior couple getting financial assitance
    via robertkneschke

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • WIBTA if I decide to move out and separate finances from my family

    I am a 30F and my parents have been living with me for the past 5 years (1 pay for rent, utilities and most expenses).
    via dtdr
  • It is completely out their choice, I don't need them to live with me. I have an elder brother who is married, both of them work.
    via dtdr
  • He earns as much as me and SIL earns a bit lesser. But since parents don't live with him, he's not asked to pitch in for any recurring expenses.
    via dtdr
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  • I don't think he would say no but he's not come forward to pitch in either.
    via dtdr
  • Though I don't think he particularly wants to live full time with them. Everytime I have broached the topic, he's dodged it.
    via dtdr
  • Adult son having tea with elderly father
    via gettyimages

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • My relationship with my father is fraught. While I love him, he still likes to extend control over my life and treat my finances as his.
    via dtdr
  • He's manipulative and everytime I ask him to pick up a few of their bills, he goes "Oh so you mean you want all of us to go separate ways" etc.
    via dtdr
  • While he has significant savings, he refuses to get a debit card or credit card or adopt any app that would enable him to make digital payments - sort of a forced financial dependence.
    via dtdr
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  • He knows how to use all these financial devices and had a good career in the government before retiring.
    via dtdr
  • Instead he asks me to make all the payments. If I push back a little bit, he makes a show of "giving me money because I asked for it" and guilt tripping me.
    via dtdr
  • I am tired of being manipulated, micromanaged and treated as a child even though I'm the one taking care of everything.
    via dtdr
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  • I've given up a lot of my social life over the past 5 years because they're quite controlling/need me/manipulative.
    via dtdr
  • This is not just financial but in daily life as well. I want to move out and reduce expenses and increase my savings which would make them move in with my brother that too after much guilt tripping bs and me appearing as a the bitch in the family.
    via dtdr
  • Woman sitting on the floor beside her packed-up boxes
    via gettysignature

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • Putrid Dream9755 NTA but if THEY live with YOU, why would YOU move out? Or do you mean you're renting & would just break/not renew the lease? Either way, yeah, get out.
    via Putrid_Dream9755
  • OP dtdr Yeah I meant break the lease on the apartment I rent and downsize to a one person apartment.
    via dtdr
  • Tanooki07 Of course they don't want you leave, they don't want their freeride to end and your brother doesn't want their freeloading selfs. Move out, somewhere they can't follow and ignore the guilt trips. NTA.
    via Tanooki07
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  • NTA International-Fee255 Coersive control csn happen in non romantic relationships. You need to move out for your mental health and independence.
    via International-Fee255
  • Sputtrosa Find another place to move to, but don't tell them until you've signed the contract. >I am tired of being manipulated, micromanaged and treated as a child Then you say that. If you really want to drive home the point that it's just you moving, get a place that would be too small for all of you. NTA. Sorry that you're going through this, it sounds stressful.
    via Sputtrosa
  • KaliTheBlaze NTA. My dear, you are an independent adult human being, and not a beast of burden. You are not obliged to let your parents load you up until all that can be seen are the tips of your ears like an overworked donkey. If anyone gives you trouble over it, tell them that they're welcome to host your parents for a few years and see how they feel about being used that way.
    via KaliTheBlaze
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  • NTA. silentjudge_ You're an adult, entitled to an independent life, too. And, as you said, it's not like your parents really depend on you, under their control a useful tool they don't want to lose. Hence the emotional blackmailing. According to what you said, you will be hard judged regardless of what you do. Then, you might as well move out and get better privacy and financial stability while at it.
    via silentjudge_

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