52-year-old daughter visits Germany but cancels plans to visit parents, after father refuses to drive 30 km to fetch her from train station, despite regularly traveling farther for his hobby, sparking family drama: '[He] says I'm playing the victim'

You'd think most parents would eagerly wait for the day their child living abroad finally comes to visit, especially after not seeing each other for over a year. Usually, no favor would ever be too big to make that reunion happen… but apparently, this one was.

During a visit to Germany, this adult daughter planned a trip to see her parents a few towns away. Her only request? That her father pick her up from the train station, just 30 miles from their home. To her surprise, he refused, claiming it was "too far" and an unnecessary detour. The irony? He regularly drives nearly double that distance weekly, just to photograph some abandoned train tracks…An interesting hobby, we know. Surely spending time with his daughter would be worth that same effort? Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case.

In a moment of fury and frustration, she felt absolutely under-valued and decided to cancel that leg of the trip…Her mother begged her to rethink the decision, whilst her clearly unself-aware father is stuck in his entitled ways…calling her a 'drama queen', instead of picking up the phone and calling her to apologize… 

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  • He claimed not to know the area well, but the positive thing is we are no longer living in the 1920s…and that's what Google Maps is for! Laziness is not what keeps a parent-daughter relationship growing strong, instead that lack of effort does the complete opposite, building an environment that fester's resentment. We know he's definitely not in a car, yet he still seems to be going in that direction! If he can drive 30 miles for a broken train track, he can drive 30 miles for his daughter. 

  • 01
    Woman waiting at the train station.
    via paulaphotos-images

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • 02

    AITA for cancelling my visit after my father refused to pick me up from the train station (and called me a drama queen for it)?

    I (42 F) currently live abroad. My partner and I have built a life there over the past years, but my parents have never once visited us, even though I've invited them several times.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 03
    Now that I'm back in Germany for a short stay, I thought it would be nice to visit them, we haven't seen each other in almost a year.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 04
    I don't have a car here, so I planned to come by train. The trip already involved a few transfers, and the last station before their town is about 30 km away.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 05
    I asked my father if he could pick me up there since the next connection would have been very tight and would've added extra waiting time anyway.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 06
    He hesitated and said it was "too much of a detour" and that he "didn't know the area well." Eventually, he found another connection and told me I could take that one instead - it was basically the same route, just earlier, and I would have had to wait even longer between trains.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 07
    But that way he wouldn't have to drive the extra 30 km. For context: this is a man who regularly drives all over the region to take pictures of trains, his hobby, without blinking an eye at hundreds of kilometers.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 08
    Scenic drive.
    via gettyimagespro

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 09
    Yet suddenly, picking up his daughter he hasn't seen in a year is "too much." When I asked if he was seriously refusing over such a small thing, he got defensive, called me "playing the victim" and a "drama queen" (in German he literally said I was acting like a "sulky sausage," which is as ridiculous as it sounds).
    via ElyseNoir
  • 10
    At that point I was done. I told them I wouldn't come. I felt completely unwelcome not - because of the distance, but because of the attitude.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 11
    I've lived abroad long enough to recognize when someone values your effort versus when they see you as an inconvenience.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 12
    My mother was disappointed and sent several emotional messages, saying parents make mistakes, that I should reconsider, and how sad it would be if I didn't visit.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 13
    But to me, this isn't about perfection; it's about respect and basic willingness. So I canceled the visit.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 14
    Now I'm being told I overreacted and that I'm "too sensitive." AITA for drawing the line here?
    via ElyseNoir
  • 15
    MotherOfLochs NTA. If anything, in my book, calling your response an overreaction and overly sensitive is a projection. It's too much to ask family for help/a favour at a slight inconvenience to themselves? For their child no less, and to facilitate a family reunion? Good on you for matching your father's energy of doing what serves you best.
    via MotherOfLochs
  • 16
    OP Elyse Noir You're right! I really just needed to protect my own peace. The anger, the stress, the emotional gymnastics... it's just not worth it.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 17
    Old man on the phone.
    via gettyimages

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 18
    My_Name_Is_Amos Based on what you said about your dad and his driving habits, I'd say that your father is a huge dick. However, if your mom is so set on you visiting, why can't she pick you up? Or, can't you meet in the middle somewhere, like for coffee or lunch? Definitely NTA
    via My_Name_Is_Amos
  • 19
    OP Elyse Noir God, so relieving to hear someone else say he's a huge dick. I was starting to think I'm just biased. Unfortunately, my mom doesn't have a driver's license. He's been controlling her for decades. She's a stay-at-home wife with no real say in anything, stuck in a life she never chose. But yeah... that's another tragedy altogether.
    via ElyseNoir
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  • 20
    stillirrelephant You're NTA in relation to your father. He obviously doesn't value a relationship with you. We can't tell on the basis of what've said whether you should make an effort to see your mother. If she's worth it, perhaps you could arrange to meet somewhere outside the house.
    via stillirrelephant
  • 21
    OP Elyse Noir As already mentioned above, it's sadly really hard to meet my mom separately. She can't go anywhere without my dad. Not even take a bus, because she doesn't trust herself to do things alone. He controls her completely. And honestly? I think he'd love to have the same power over me. Too bad I'm a little too independent. Or, you know... just normal.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 22
    dystopiadattopia NTA. And I need to hear what "sulky sausage" is in German.
    via dystopiadattopia
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  • 23
    OP Elyse Noir Haha "sulky sausage" is the glorious English translation of the German phrase "beleidigte Leberwurst." No matter how sad the story behind it is, or how much I shake my head at the whole situation - the thought that people in Australia, the UK or the US might now be walking around saying "sulky sausage" or even better, "beleidigte Leberwurst.", honestly makes me smile.
    via ElyseNoir
  • 24
    NTA. zero_chan1 I drove 2,5 hours one way to pick a friend up from the airport because the trains were on strike. (Danke DB). If they can't even make this effort they don't actually care. There's nothing dramatic about that.
    via zero_chan1
  • 25
    OP Elyse Noir Haha "Danke DB!", that's my motto when I'm putting a brave face on a bad situation. Especially now that it's raining more, and when it snows, it's the ultimate challenge.
    via ElyseNoir
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