Siblings refuse to spend Christmas with younger sister who lost their father at 10 years old and calls their stepdad 'dad': 'It's not him I dislike'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Nov 3, 2025 1:00 PM EST

Grief is something that everybody copes with differently. 

It is difficult for somebody to go through the experience of losing a loved one and not feel like they have been changed by it, especially when the loss happens while they are young. This is the kind of thing that is hard enough to process as an adult, let alone when you are still growing up and much more affected by any change in the family unit. Many people feel like it is an event that they will carry with them in some way for the rest of their lives.

An issue that can arise in families when somebody passes is that the ways in which everybody processes a loss can clash considerably. Some feel the need to move on as quickly as possible, while others want to keep their memory alive in any way they can. The result is a rift in the family unit that may never be truly healed.

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  • a young woman rests on the shoulder of an older man while they both smile and laugh against a white background
    via Leandro Crespi (Unsplash+)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • This is exactly what happened in this story, in which two older siblings shunned their younger sister after she adapted to their dad's passing in a different way than they did. A couple of years after the loss that happened when she was 10 and they were teens, their mom remarried, and she began calling their stepdad ‘dad’ and refusing to visit the grave of her father.

    The older siblings were greatly offended, and the tension it caused meant that they cut contact with her when they grew up. While they intended to spend Christmas with their dad's family, their stepdad and mom were begging them to spend it with them. One of the siblings was left wondering if they were being too harsh in avoiding this because of their sister.

  • Am I wrong for not speaking to my sister for 10+ years for calling our stepdad "Dad"?

    I have a sister and an older brother. When my father passed, I was 13, brother was 16, sister was 10. My mother remarried " Craig when I was 15. He was decent enough, good for her.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • one teenage boy puts his arm over another, shorter boy with trees in the background
    via Judah Wester

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • However, lil sister decided he was her new dad. She started calling him dad, refusing to go visit dad's grave, etc. My brother and I didn't care for it, and started to not be close with her. She called us out, and we explained it made us uncomfortable. This led to big arguments, mom taking her side, and it got even worse when our half brother was born.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • She seemed offended constantly, and caused issues all the time. We never really got along. I left 18, and have not spoke to her since.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Now mom wants us all to spend Christmas together, and my brother and I are going to our dad's family Christmas. Craig called me and was almost crying. I told him it's not him I dislike. Its been 10 years, and I don't see a reason to try now. Brother feels the same. AiTAH? ETA that we do see my mom and Craig, just not sister.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • a black clothed arm places several red carnations on a grave after it has rained
    via Kateryna Hliznitsova (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Any-Expression2246 Feels like there's more to this than her just starting to call him Dad. "edit to say, I mean more than just the dad related problems" She was old enough to understand that he wasn't in fact her dad, but young enough for the new father figure to make a real positive imprint on her that she was able to feel comfortable enough to call him dad. That's her feelings. You punished her for feeling loved enough to open her heart to someone else. You were older and angry that you lost y
    via Any-Expression2246
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 It was more her getting mad that my brother and I would go to dad's families on holidays and she hated it, she wanted us to all spend it together. She would be mad because we weren't as close. I did pull away a bit but never wanted to argue.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • kindaright-ish Info: was she calling you out for not calling Craig dad or calling you and your brother out for the distance between you?
    via kindaright-ish
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 Both.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Stardustflyer She was a child who wanted a father. I'm sorry you all lost your real father, but your feelings don't override her feelings.
    via Stardustflyer
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 I didn't tell her I didn't want her calling him dad, she started getting mad at me, as well as my brother first. Then she got our mother involved. It was a whole ordeal. She can do what she likes, but I don't have to like it, in my mind. Thats how I feel anyway.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Congregator The little sister was 12 when OP moved out and cut contact She was just a little child, it's not "acting toxic", all kids that age are immature
    via Congregator
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 I was 18 and she was 15
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Educational_Leek5800 So you didnt spend any holidays with your mother and sister?
    via Educational_Leek5800
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 My brother and I go to my mother's on they day after Christmas with our significant others and his kids. We also visit and go to dinner with Mom, Craig, and half brother the weekend before Thanksgiving. Plus regular visits and stuff. I just avoid my sister because I dislike the conflict.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • VMA_06 NTA I don't think people are reading your post correctly, you stopped speaking to her because SHE made it an issue right?
    via VMA_06
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 Yes. Every holiday, and other times too.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Own Wafer_9523 What was she getting mad about? I couldn't really get that from the initial post
    via Own_Wafer_9523
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 My brother and I were closer,and she hated us going to dad's family's most holidays. Our mom let us choose for the holidays and we always wanted to go with our dad's family, I was close to them and my one cousin on that side is my brothers best friend.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • ExaminationOld6798 Yeah, you've got issues. They've cost you and your family dearly. One can only hope that you even asking this question indicates a step toward self-awareness and maybe an inkling on your part that you might have approached this all wrong all those years ago and since.
    via ExaminationOld6798
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 I do feel bad for my mother. I don't care that she got remarried, he's a good guy and makes her happy, my sister and her resentment is more my issue. I do kinda resent her for ignoring my dad's side, that hurt my grandma a lot.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • dreddiknight Do you realise that visiting dad's grave was very likely upsetting for her and scared the f out of her? Like reliving the trauma of the loss kind of scary? Did any of you get any counselling to help deal with your bereavement? How well do you think you would have dealt with it at the age she was? You and your brother were judging her from a huge age gap and even now you can't seem to see it... YTA. Although I do realise how upsetting it must have been for you to feel as if your sist
    via dreddiknight
  • OP Slow_Cantaloupe_540 My half brother is fine? He doesn't seem to have any opinion on the matter really.
    via Slow_Cantaloupe_540
  • Over_Jump3110 For me, all of this is a consequence of unresolved grief. I myself have only visited my mother's grave twice since her death 18 years ago because of the trauma (I was only 9, and she passed away after fighting cancer for many years). I went to live with my father and stepmother when I was 12, and I call and consider her my mother too. So much that when she and my father separated, I stayed living with her. It's pretty clear that there is a lot more lost context that the OOP didn't
    via Over_Jump3110

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