Middle-aged woman hesitant to purchase home with long-term boyfriend after 5 years of dating, as his adult daughter repeatedly avoids and excludes her from the family, fears creating a "her or me" situation: 'I don't want to strain their relationship'

Author image for Emma Saven
Emma Saven
Dec 16, 2025 7:00 AM EST

Blending families is never easy, especially as children get older and become more hyper-analytical about every detail of their parents' partners. It can be for many different reasons, but not all step-children are willing to welcome their 'new' mom or dad with open arms…And that is okay. But there comes a point where some children, especially young adults, put their interest or distaste for a step-parent above their parents' own future and happiness. So, where does one draw the line between 'coming to terms' with their changing family, and being straight-up unreasonable? 

Well, is this daughter the perfect example of the latter? Her father has been in a long-term relationship for a while now, yet, she can barely acknowledge her father's girlfriend's existence. At first, we thought perhaps it was because she was a certified 'daddy's girl' and feared the idea of having to share his attention…and maybe that is why…But all we know is that this whole "her or me" approach is making his girlfriend rethink their whole relationship…specifically, the part where he suggests they buy a home together!

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  • How can she agree to such a big commitment when his daughter can barely look her in the eyes, let alone spit out a little h-e-l-l-o…So, she's giving him an ultimatum: She'll only consider his offer once his daughter puts on her big girl pants and starts acting like the adult she is. She doesn't want to come between their relationship, but what if that means not having her own relationship at all…?

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    Couple embracing one another as they admire their new home
    via gettyimages

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    WIBTAH if I say "no" to buying a house together?

    Throwaway account for all the usual reasons. Boyfriend (M52) and I (F45) have known each other for about 20 years.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    We started as co- workers. About 10 years ago, my marriage ended. His was on the rocks for a super long time, and they divorced about 4 years ago once the kids were 21+.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    We started dating 5 years ago, but it's relevant that neither is the reason behind the divorces.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    They had already filed for divorce when we started dating. My divorce was highly amicable. His was amicable-ish.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    He has 3 kids (2 sons, 1 dot) and I have 3 kids (3 sons). Kids are between 20 and 28.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    We currently live in different states for job-related reasons, but we want to buy a house together and move in together within the next few months.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Because we live in different states, we haven't had a time with each other's kids, but in general, the time we have had together has gone well.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    My boys like him fine, his boys like me fine. We've done some social things together.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    It's all good. The challenge is the daughter. She's met me 4 times and they've all been ...
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Teen sitting on an outdoor bench with the coffee cup, looking deep in thought
    via darrenbaker

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    frosty. Examples: \- Will say hello to me and answer a direct question, but as briefly as possible \- Generally leaves the room when I enter or moves to her phone if conversation includes me \- Refuses to eat any food I've prepared \- Prefers I not be in her dad's house when she visits \- When we go out to eat, insists her dad sits next to her and doesn't want him to sit next to me It's tempting to say I'm sensitive, but multiple people have noticed, including boyfriend/her dad.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    She's explained to others that she doesn't dislike me but needs "time" to adjust. IMO, it's also relevant that she's a huge daddy's girl (nothing wrong with that - I am, too).
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Her mother has moved on (actually, her mother "moving on" is why there was a divorce) so both parents are partnered.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Dot was also super supportive of their divorce. Here's the issue/question: Boyfriend wants to buy a home together.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    This'll be a big move for both of us because it'll be in a place neither of us lives currently so everyone will be uprooted.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    I am reluctant to make such a big step because I anticipate future issues with the daughter.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    She already told her mother that she refuses to enter her mother's home now that the mother's boyfriend has moved in.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    If the daughter refused to enter our home because of me, that would break boyfriend's heart (he adores her and they're very close).
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    However, as a matter of principle, I don't feel that I should make myself scarce whenever she's around just to make her comfortable.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Cheezburger Image 10586857216
    via rido

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    (I would do this to keep the peace, but I don't want to.) WIBTA if I told my boyfriend "no moving in together until daughter becomes comfortable with it and changes her behavior?" I don't want to strain the relationship between my boyfriend and his daughter, nor create a choice between "her or me" (I would never restrict him from seeing his kids) but I don't want to embed myself in a rotten situation.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    IcyWheel NTA As I understand your post, you are planning to move somewhere with no existing support to be with someone whose kid will not accept you. I think that buying a house is the least of your problems. If this is someplace you would actually like to live and you can afford to live there without him, you may want to do that first. Get your employment and housing sorted out on your own and let him sort out his daughter.
    via IcyWheel
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    OP Awkward_00_Aardvark Job won't be an issue - it goes where I go. You raise a good point about just moving on my own and being happy with it and then if things pan out with the daughter, then he can move in. It feels not great to not make this change together, but it is a safer approach. Thanks for the suggestion.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    SueShe19 Op, does she live with her dad? Either way, YWNBTAH. She's an adult but isn't acting like one. I would definitely take a step back while she figures out if she wants to let her grown-ass dad (and mom) have an actual happy life or just be miserable forever.
    via SueShe19
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    OP Awkward_00_Aardvark She does not. She has her own live in a completely separate part of the country, where she lives with her partner.
    via Awkward_00_Aardvark
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    Tired-Dog Mama-6262 My question is what do her brothers think of her actions toward you? This "grown child" needs a reality check that she cannot control her parent's personal lives, as they cannot control hers. Hold off making a big move until you two can sit down and have several discussions about this.
    via Tired-DogMama-6262

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middle aged moving in together couples state step daughter
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