'My boyfriend gave me an ultimatum - him or my cat': 30-year-old man packs up in the middle of the night and leaves because he can't live with his girlfriend's cat, despite never objecting earlier

Author image for Mariel Ruvinsky
Mariel Ruvinsky • Writer and Editor
Dec 22, 2025 10:00 AM EST

Cats are the purrfect detectors of red flags in relationships. We mean that seriously. If you have a cat or want to get a cat, the way that your partner reacts to them, the way that your partner treats them, is something that you absolutely cannot ignore. Your cats are there not just to be cute, although they do that job very, very well. Your cats are there to help you filter out people who you should not be involved with. 

The way that people react to pets matters. If your partner thinks you are unhygienic for kissing your cat on the forehead, then either they don't understand the relationship that we have with our cats or they are a bit too neat-freaky for us. If your partner mistreats your cat in any way, harming them physically or otherwise, that's unacceptable, no matter the explanation that they have. And if your partner gives you an ultimatum, telling you it's either them or the cats, then there is only one correct answer to give. 

You should not have to make a choice between your pets, who you love like family, and your potential future family. There are people out there who will accept your cats. Don't settle. 

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  • 01

    "My bf (30 m) gave me (25 f) an ultimatum: him or my cat"

    picture of a woman holding a kitten
    via Unsplash / Roman Synkevych - synkevych

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Look, we are going to be honest with you. We don't really care about the explanation. No matter how many times we see stories like this, they are never okay. There is never a good reason to give your partner an ultimatum, not when you're just starting a relationship, and definitely not when it comes to their pets that they love. We knew, even before reading the whole story, what our verdict would be. But we gave it a chance anyway… because who knows? Maybe there is a decent reason to do this? 

  • 02
    We've been together for 8 months. We live in different cities (that's a temporary solution, as we both are still studying). The moment we met, I told him I imagine my future family with pets in the house, especially cat or two.
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  • 03
    He agreed to my view, said he used to live with an ex who had a cat, wishes to have a dog in the future, too. There was no problem with pets in the house. Three months ago I managed to rent an apartment on my own.
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  • 04
    Since then we've been meeting usually at my place, as we can finally have some time alone (no roommates, no parents). When I moved in here, I told my bf I needed a pet, I hated coming back to an empty house.
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  • 05
    I also wanted to create something like a little family, you know? Him, the pet, me. I really believed it could be just the beginning of our future". He didn't say anything about it, not "yes", not „no”.
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  • 06
    I assumed he just agreed. If he didn't like the idea, he should tell me, right? But everything changed when the cat appeared. Our honeymoon ended and the tensions began.
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  • 07
    Cats's always been allowed to sleep in bed in my family home, so it was something natural for me to let my cat sleep with my bf and me. And the cat really doesn't bother anyone in bed.
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  • 08
    He's not freaking out at night, no zoomies, no meowing, no waking up straight in the morning. But suddenly after two nights, my bf said in the middle of the night he can't sleep like that. He went to salon to sleep on the couch till morning.
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  • 09
    I talked to him during that day. He said he couldn't sleep as the cat was moving, and he needed to be rest to drive back home in the morning, so there's no way he would put up with something like that.
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  • 10
    He suggested to break up. was confused, but I really didn't want fights, so I agreed - - during the weekends, cat sleeps on the couch. But it wasn't the end.
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  • 11
    He started complaining about the litter, the smell cat's poop makes (even though I clean it as fast as possible).
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  • 12
    picture of a person holding a cat
    via Unsplash / Roman Synkevych - synkevych

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 13
    It happend a few times that my cat had loose stools (now I know it was because he's allergic to certain foods) and when he sat on his blanket on the couch, he left a print.
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  • 14
    I put the blanket into the washing machine inmediately, but my bf used to get so angry about it. I couldn't understand why he's so mad at the cat, because it's jus an animal.
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  • 15
    Whenever I asked, what was wrong, he answered:,,nothing" and continued to ignore me with bitchface. There was no open arguments, but the tension between us. Few days ago he came to me after wisdom tooth extraction.
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  • 16
    He had a few leisure days to recover, so I offered to him to spend it together, so I could cook something for us, etc. This day my cat peed on the bed (for the very first time ever, probably because I was staying very long hours at work that day and he's not used to stay alone for such a long time).
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  • 17
    Obviously, I first started cleaning the bed, washing the sheets, etc. But my bf got mad I didn't make food first. And then it got even worse. We had to sleep on the couch, cat with us.
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  • 18
    In the middle of the night, my bf said he couldn't stand it any longer, he would be happy to come back home immediately, but he would do it in the morning.
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  • 19
    He said he needed to get a proper rest after the extraction and he couldn't do it in my place. I understood he might have been upset and tired, but I couldn't get what made him so angry.
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  • 20
    picture of a cute kitten
    via Unsplash / Roman Synkevych - synkevych

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 21
    The next day, he wasn't answering my messages the whole day and when I came back home after work, he wasn't there. He took all of his things. When I called him (as | didn't understand, what happened), he said he was feeling really sick and needed to get rest at his home.
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  • 22
    Yesterday we met, and he said he wasn't ready to live with a cat, and even though he loved. me, he couldn't stand pets in the house. He said he didn't want me to choose between him and the cat, but the reality is, everything is about this choice now.
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  • 23
    I love my bf, and I really thought, he would tell me, if he had something against a cat in my place. I was doing anything to make sharing a place with a cat as comfortable, as I could. But now I'm just torn... Is there any chance for a settlement?
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  • 24
    And I know, we've been together for not so long, but we have plans for living together after finishing studies, a lot of of common friends and hobbies. We even know each other's families, so it is something serious, not just a temporary infatuation.
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  • 25
    ADD: Thanks for all of your answers. I just want to make it clear, that he's not a bad person, I trust him and I know he wouldn't hurt the cat. I just can't understand we could break up because of... a cat, to put it simple.
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  • 26
    I think of getting my cat to my parents, I know he will be treasured by them. I wouldn't give him to anybody else, I have to be able to meet him, see him, play with him, know he's safe and sound... I love my cat, but I love my BF too and I just simply don't know what to do at this point.
    via ImportanceSilly1114

  • We understand being in love, we really do. We understand not wanting to destroy an 8-month-long relationship, where the families are involved and plans have been made. But this is a red flag, and there is no way to look past it. If he feels comfortable taking things that you love away from you so early on in the relationship and for no clear reason, then he's most likely going to do it in the future. And at that point, you truly might be in too deep. 

  • 27
    StephanieSews The answer to "me or them" is always "goodbye". Today it's your cat, later it's that your job or hair colour or etc etc isn't right. ETA having read the post properly: he's telling you he wants to end things, he's not trying to control you like it first sounded like I'm so sorry but it's over.
    via ImportanceSilly1114
  • 28
    Temporary-Stand2049 Obviously pick the cat. If he wasn't down to live with a cat, he could have said so when you brought it up. Sounds like he was hoping you'd change your mind and is now throwing a fit that you're sticking to your word. You can find someone better.
    via ImportanceSilly1114

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ultimatum boyfriend cat drama fight girlfriend argument breakup Cats
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