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60 Women On Twitter That Made 2017 Much Funnier

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  • 1
    Text - Iguana @kajuana marie Follow men will literally nut 45 seconds into sex and have the audacity to ask if you came. yeah i came to the wrong house 9:33 AM 19 Dec 2017 53,228 Retweets 264,292 Likes t1 53K 1.8K 264K
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  • 2
    Text - S Follow @coll3enshanahan If the girl in my class could get through her presentation after her nudes on Google Drive projected to the whole class, I can get through finals week. were 1:23 AM 6 Dec 2017 54,801 Retweets 301,732 Likes L55K 374 302K
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  • 3
    Text - Michelle Markowitz Follow @michmarkowitz Whenever I don't like one of my friends new boyfriends, I always wonder if Eva Braun's friends also used the line "He seems....nice." 1:49 PM - 1 Oct 2017 93 Retweets 188 Likes
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  • 4
    text BATTLE to 384387 save the net. Follow @AsiaAtltAgain Number one, why these shits so hard to open? Number two, they loud as hell. Whole fuckin country know you tryna get a piece of cake 9:59 PM 11 Dec 2017 144,987 Retweets 422,351 Likes
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  • 5
    Text - schmox Follow @IvoryGazelle [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti 4:54 PM- 25 Jul 2017 3,326 Retweets 12,821 Likes t3.3K 40 13K
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  • 6
    Text - maison in hollis Follow @maisonshouting It is with a heavy heart and great sadness that I must announce that I am still attracted to men 7:49 PM 18 Dec 2017 9,693 Retweets 26,748 Likes t 9.7K 99 27K
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  • 7
    Text - Claire Zoe Follow @totallyclairezo two biggest shocks of adult life: 1. everyone does cocaine 2. cheese is fucking expensive 8:36 AM -9 Oct 2017 102,826 Retweets 376,007 Likes
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  • 8
    Text - brynn Follow @hard_candyjpeg Deactivating MESSAGES now Mom Why do you tweet like you're famous you have maybe 7 active followers 8:29 PM - 3 Oct 2017 79,023 Retweets 289,250 Likes
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  • 9
    Text - Bogdan Petrisor DMD Bucharest 2000 Sharon Adams CEB Dip Dent Hygiene 1999 Gay Coward CEB Cert in Dental Hygiene 1973 bobby Follow @bobby jesus christ.... who the hell names their kid sharon 4:26 AM - Oct 13, 2017 t13,105 39 9,755
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  • 10
    Face - sneaky dogfriend Follow @GrrlGhost Me saying goodbye to 2017 and henlooo to 2018 BRAIN POWER TODAY MOVE OVER XANAX, HERE COMES LSD PSYCHEDELIC DRUG AND THE TREATMENT OF ANXIETY, DEPRESSION TODAY.Com 7:451 19 1:50 AM 12 Dec 2017 16,165 Retweets 50,994 Likes L 16K 149 51K
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  • 11
    Text - dorothy on peyote Follow @hellohappy_time M: [trying not to swear in front of kid] SON OF A BACKSTREET BOY Kid: what's a backstreet boy? M: are you fucking kidding me??!! 9:17 PM -1 Aug 2017
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  • 12
    Text - Arielle Follow @jewfacekilla I'm no magician, but I can turn 30 minutes of work into 10 hours of complaining 4:05 PM -Aug 24, 2017 3 t149 102
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  • 13
    Text - WILLIAMS 214th Year, No. 187 About 8 inches make June 5th wettest in history By PHILIP A HOLMES pholmes@sungazette.com Have you seen enough rain this season? Nearly eight inches alone fell last month, making it the fifth wettest June in Lycoming County since the National Weather Service began keeping recorda in the late 1800s, acourding to Craig Evanego, a meteor ologist with the weather a Follow Jo Haseltine @Jo_Haseltine Lucky old June. 1:14 PM - 17 Jul 2017 t17,264 47,701
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  • 14
    Text - Eden Dranger Follow @Eden_Eats I saw grape on the carpet and thought it was a cockroach Anyhow, grape's dead now. 12:34 AM 20 Oct 2017 35 Retweets 392 Likes
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  • 15
    Text - Mistle-no Marti Follow @MartiSchodt What do we want? DRESSES WITH POCKETS! How do we want them? FILLED WITH SNACKS! What kind of snacks? PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE'RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS 1:00 AM 9 Dec 2017 29,903 Retweets 103,591 Likes Grr t 30K 429 104K
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  • 16
    Text - salmon Follow @proletariatitty 3rd base is when they see you having an anxiety attack 10:27 AM 15 Dec 2017 43,08 Retweets 129,016 Likes t 43K 170 129K
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  • 17
    Text - Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin Follow just once when an actress is asked "what's your beauty secret?" i want her to coyly smile, pop her head off with both hands, & bats fly out 7:24 AM 21 Dec 2017 3,878 Retweets 23,241 Likes t3.9K 104 23K
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  • 18
    Text - Jenn Quinn Follow @JennnQuinn Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it's an "amazing natural phenomenon" but when I do it's a "problem" 6:59 AM -Aug 20, 2017 t198,680 600 343,009
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  • 19
    Text - isi litke Follow @isilitke *Werner Herzog voice* The drama lies not in the fact that the child sees her mother kissing Santa Claus, but in the choice that the mother now confronts: admitting either that Santa is a lie or that love is a lie. 7:18 AM - 24 Dec 2017 12,639 Retweets 38,809 Likes t1 13K 192 39K
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  • 20
    Text - Issa Rae Follow @IssaRae My summer goals were simply to go from this emoji to this emoji 5:28 PM - Aug 24, 2017 116 2,515 12,479
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  • 21
    Text - X Follow @thxlxttxrx please help me my sister just said ed sheeran looks like an imaginary friend and ive stopped breathing. 10:12 PM 14 Dec 2017 2,960 Retweets 13,796 Likes t 3.0K 31 14K
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  • 22
    Text - queen G Follow @ifthehoefits a woman had me double bag her tampons because the bag was see thru and her husband would be embarrassed..sweetie throw the whole husband out 1:51 AM - Aug 22, 2017 1,604 127,957 447,457
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  • 23
    Photo caption - Jess Dweck Follow @TheDweck TRUMP: Melania, my eyes burn when I look at it. MELANIA: Now you know how I feel. 9:54 PM - Aug 21, 2017 22 t378 1,669
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  • 24
    Text - Cat Reynolds @catreynoldsnyc Follow MALE REINDEER LOSE THEIR ANTLERS IN WINTER AND FEMALES DON'T THEREFORE SANTA'S SLEIGH IS ACTUALLY PULLED BY A TEAM OF STRONG, POWERFUL, UNDERRATED WOMEN!!!! YOU GO, GIRLS!! I SEE YOU!!! 8:27 PM 11 Dec 2017 208,815 Retweets 683,010 Likes 209K 2.6K 683K
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  • 25
    Text - Bryanna Hall Follow @bryannahall5 My fav college memory has to be the time I woke up in a panic bc I'd overslept my bio final & ran out of my dorm in tears w/out shoes socks or a backpack only to get halfway there & realize I'd already taken my final & gone home to take a nap. 6:29 PM 5 Dec 2017 9,010 Retweets 59,859 Likes t 9.0K 43 60K
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  • 26
    Text - Kyley King @kyley king Follow He's cracked the code we didn't even know we had tanner @TheeTcup Don't ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you're taking her to eat. Then take her to the first guess. 7:52 PM 2 Dec 2017 from Florida, USA 123,914 Retweets 297,499 Likes L124K 293 297K
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  • 27
    Face - shy pussycat Follow @korixdenise My eating habits and my dream body looking at each other abcNEWS Com 7:01 AM -3 Dec 2017 43,624 Retweets 82,665 Likes
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  • 28
    Property - The older I get, the more I wonder what Kevin McAllister's dad did for a living to afford this house & a vacation to Paris for 9 people
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  • 29
    Text - 93 Follow @EL STACKS Vegans really look you in ya eyes and compare cauliflower to chicken 1:14 AM 5 Dec 2017 34,976 Retweets 91,324 Likes t1 35K 331 91K
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  • 30
    Text - lei Follow @gleivytrain me @ $2 sandwich: It's affordable but is it filling? If it's filling, will it provide me with enough satisfaction? What is the nutritional value of this...? Maybe I should save my money... me @ $4.75 coffee: mmm cofy 12:32 AM 10 Dec 2017 36,744 Retweets 117,649 Likes t1 37K 161 118K
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  • 31
    Text - Diane Turnshek Follow @DianeTurnshek Two scientists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the 1st. "I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd. Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context. 5:30 PM - 8 Dec 2017 97,170 Retweets 356,189 Likes
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  • 32
    Text - Mumsie Follow @MUMSIEesq I lost 5 pounds this week because I was more lazy than I was hungry. 7:03 AM - 5 Aug 2017
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  • 33
    Nature - beth hates Pai, so Follow @bourgeoisalien MEDICARE me, to strangers: i just have a cold. i'll be fine me, to friends: 1:25 AM 9 Dec 2017 550 Retweets 2,272 Likes
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  • 34
    Text - hannah sorrell Follow @hannahkimberlee 13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed "ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!" at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it's still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me 5:57 AM - 8 Dec 2017 97,106 Retweets 589,159 Likes t197K 701 589K
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  • 35
    Text - morning unglory Follow @glowypanda Just saw a woman walking a tiny dog, then realised it was a pigeon & thought woman walking a pigeon but it was just woman and a pigeon, they didn't know each other OO a a 3:21 PM - 3 Dec 2017 8,112 Retweets 40,293 Likes t 8.1K 150 40K
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  • 36
    Text - Eliza Skinner Follow @elizaskinner Shout out to all the early humans who died figuring out what plants we can and can't eat. 4:14 AM -30 Nov 2017 25,098 Retweets 110,290 Likes t25K 716 110K
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  • 37
    Text - Follow olivia @livt33 welcome to texas CRIME SCENE MARKERS HOUSTON PD TELLS OFFICERS TO STOP USING WHATABURGER NUMBERS AS EVIDENCE MARKERS K4 85 5:29 AM 10 Aug 2017 36,595 Retweets 96,968 Likes 97K ti 37K 353
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  • 38
    Cartoon - cardi t Follow @radioheadass this guy walked by me and asked "why you smiling at your phone for? is he that important?" andi said "yeah he is" but i was looking at this picture l am a motherfucker 8:26 AM 18 Dec 2017 49,015 Retweets 169,306 Likes 2169K 253 49K
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  • 39
    Text - Devin Follow @devnbm Picture this: it's 2008. You're laid up in your Aeropostale graphic shirt, taking your nintendog for a walk before his agility competition. Don't Trust Me by 30H!3 is on the radio. Your silly bandz are ripping out arm hairs every time you move a muscle. 27 Nov 2017 3:17 AM 115,469 Retweets 442,835 Likes t 115K 443K 712 >
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  • 40
    Text - not the WORST mom Follow @nottheworstmom *RSVP'ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT 10:42 PM 26 Nov 2017 928 Retweets 3,090 Likes t 928 17 3.1K
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  • 41
    Text - elizabeth williams Follow @Elizasoul80 Well the series I was watching on Netflix is over so I guess I'm ready to die 8:49 AM - 3 Dec 2017 145 Retweets 932 Likes t145 38 932
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  • 42
    Text - Gabbbbt Follow @GabrielllaRosee In highschool I woke up at 6 am, went to classes for 7 hours, went straight to track practice and ran 8 miles, then went home and did homework without taking a nap..in college I can't even take a shower without needing a nap 8:12 PM 27 Nov 2017 71,688 Retweets 274,113 Likes t1 72K 274K 197
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  • 43
    Text - tash Follow @ohNatashaaaa if you're not a cop, please stop buying a ford explorer/taurus. i'm sick of braking for all of these inconsiderate soccer moms while i'm doing 83 in a 55 driving with my knee trying to put fire sauce on my taco bell 2:36 AM 26 Nov 2017 98,193 Retweets 340,622 Likes t98K 527 341K
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  • 44
    Text - Ashley Fetters @AshleyFetters Follow hey it's me, your friend who ignores everything going on in the group text and then chimes in every six days with a single "omg" 9:45 PM 18 Sep 2017 22,941 Retweets 70,998 Likes t 23K 405 71K
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  • 45
    Text - stephanie france @Stephfrancex Follow Said "sorry for the wait" to customer today and she turned around and said "no you're not". you know what you're right 11:54 PM 26 Nov 2017 69,989 Retweets 287,217 Likes ti 70K 340 287K
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  • 46
    Text - Paige Price @paigedprice Follow Christmas shopping for a bf is hard / like he already has everything aka me 8:45 PM - 26 Nov 2017 15,035 Retweets 36,457 Likes ti 15K 36K 172
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  • 47
    Text - fox mom Follow @hxnlxne sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn't share it with anyone who hates rick & morty 9:32 AM 7 Aug 2017 52,618 Retweets 136,180 Likes t53K 580 136K >
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  • 48
    Text - Audrey Porne Follow @AudreyPorne hate when people say "if u think this is better than sex, u haven't had good sex!", like no, maybe you've just never had good lasagna, Carol 11:49 AM - 4 Aug 2017 36,806 Retweets 126,033 Likes ti 37K 412 126K
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  • 49
    Dog - kimmy Follow @aRealLiveGhost I'm obsessed with this therapy horse that looks like it has the soul of a murdered victorian era child Gentle Carousel Miniaturenie Carouset Mitieture Teaperse Gentle Caroirsel Miniature Thera se Miniature Therapy Horses 12:09 PM 6 Aug 2017 62,671 Retweets 196,561 Likes ti 63K 808 197K
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  • 50
    Text - Amber Joy @officialambrjoy Follow How come when a house is 'haunted' its always a ghost from the 1700s? imagine a ghost from 2007 screaming "ITS BRITNEY BITCH" at 3 am. 8:01 AM - 18 Sep 2017 45,968 Retweets 125,074 Likes t 46K 465 125K
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  • 51
    Text - Nicole Gugliucci @NoisyAstronomer Follow My friends coined a word: hepeated. For when a woman suggests an idea and it's ignored, but then a guy says same thing and everyone loves it 4:01 PM 22 Sep 2017 64,986 Retweets 199,852 Likes ti 65K 2.5K 200K
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  • 52
    Text - Ariana Lenarsky Follow @aardvarsk my dad once said "do what you hate first thing in the morning to get it out of the way" then 2 mos later called me on my birthday at 6am 9:57 AM -18 Sep 2017 22,382 Retweets 115,607 Likes t 22K 139 116K
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  • 53
    Text - Aparna Nancherla @aparnapkin Follow How can I be a misogynist if I live in my MOM's basement 6:08 PM 12 Sep 2017 6,188 Retweets 35,884 Likes t 6.2K 128 36K
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  • 54
    Text - Mara Wilson Follow @MaraWilson The girl who once told me "If I'm not married by the time I'm 30, kill me" got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind 5:12 AM 16 Sep 2017 1,736 Retweets 13,222 Likes t1.7K 71 13K
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  • 55
    Text - Mahwish Quraishi Follow @MahwishQ White people be knowing every breed of dog but don't know the difference between the Middle East and Pakistan 2:46 AM - 26 Jul 2017 7,996 Retweets 19,997 Likes t 8.0K 151 20K
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  • 56
    Product - laylahmarie Follow @wellmanlaylah i get most of my entertainment by putting different colored gatorade in starbucks cups and telling people it's a frappajappajooza What is that ME a frappajappajooza BROOKE Is that an actual thing ME yes secret menu TODAY BROOKE Okay thanksss 7:16 PM- 26 Jul 2017 96,985 Retweets 356,885 Likes t 97K 680 357K
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  • 57
    Text - sam 2 Follow @smeezi me: skincare! my other organs: please help us 7:32 AM - 26 Jul 2017 60,819 Retweets 157,739 Likes 210 t 61K 158K >
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  • 58
    Tortoise - madds 2Follow @whatmaddness Please. My rabbit. He's very sick. 11:50 AM 23 Jul 2017 48,655 Retweets 133,329 Likes Dwg t 49K 1.6K 133K
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  • 59
    Text - Lindsay Follow @Rollinintheseat When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket 7:14 PM - 18 Jul 2017 514 Retweets 1,419 Likes t 514 21 1.4K
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  • 60
    Text - #1 girl kisser @Sadayo_Kawakami Follow 1. that phone cant run apps 2. thats a fucking panda The Atlantic@TheAtlantic Finally: an app that can identify that animal you saw on your hike, by @edyong209 theatin.tc/2V27Y2L 5:50 PM - 27 Jul 2017 Aric to nagetivity 52,237 Retweets 143,409 Likes t52K 242 143K
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