Fiancé wants to ask bride's parents for permission, she pushes back despite her parents' betrayal and confusion: 'I felt ambushed and awkward and ended up crying at the venue and going home early'

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JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 29, 2026 10:00 PM EST

Nobody likes to be ambushed. 

Either you're someone who loves a surprise party, or you don't. Some people dream of a surprise party. It would be their ultimate dream for their birthday. They want everyone moving in silence around them, pretending like things are normal. Then they want to open the door to all of their friends, shouting "surprise." For others, this is their worst nightmare. They hate the idea of all their friends knowing something they don't. They don't like not knowing what they're going to do that day. They would hate not having the day to prepare for a big social event. You have to know whether your friends and family are one or the other. It's on you to know that information, or else make a grave mistake at the wrong time. 

This surprise party idea translates to other areas of life. Like your parents. Either they're the type of parents who want to know everything about you and your whereabouts, or they're the type of people who live and let live. It can be hard to know what information to divulge in what moment, though. Even if you have a good relationship with your parents, you might not want to tell them everything. But in order to live an independent life, you probably want to keep some things to yourself. Maybe even big things. For example, stuff about your relationship. You might want to keep a lot to yourself about your love life, and that's okay. 

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  • A couple sits on a bed looking distressed
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • But to what extent do you need to keep secrets from your parents? What about the big stuff, like an engagement? Should you have to tell them in advance? There is a sort of antiquated tradition that the husband should ask the wife's parents for permission to propose to their daughter. But it isn't the 1800s, and not everyone has the same relationship with their parents. So you should be able to make decisions just between you and your partner, and you don't have to keep anyone else in the loop, even if it ends up hurting their feelings. Read on to see how one couple navigated that.

  • Am I in the wrong for telling my fiancée he doesn't need to ask for my parents permission?

    I (30s F) just recently got engaged to my fiancé (30s M). I am so happy I get to marry my best friend, but I also feel slightly cheated out of the whole "engagement thrill" now. Parents backstory: my mom is a narcissist. She is the primary source of all my anxiety and
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • hates the fact that I am in therapy and setting boundaries. My dad is old school but he and I are usually decently close. He is technically my step-dad but he raised me. This year however he was horrible due to a major surgery. He's gotten better but it was bad.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • My then-boyfriend (now fiancé) and I talked a lot about getting engaged and I knew it was coming. I always felt that asking for a parents permission was icky and outdated, but he wanted to do it so I told him to go for it.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • Fast forward a couple of weeks he was deep in figuring out something extremely scary and personal. My parents were on the phone with me and kept asking about the situation. I was trying to be vague because it was none of their business which escalated into a fight. My mom suddenly made a disgusting comment about my fiancé. I snapped and hung up. I didn't speak to her for a month after that.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • I told my fiancé that because of that comment and how my father had been treating us this last year, I didn't want him asking permission anymore. We compromised and he showed my dad the ring and told him when it was happening. Nothing was said then.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • He finally proposed and I was so ecstatic. The only downside was I had anxiety over telling my parents. My fiancé convinced me to tell them asap, and they were super lukewarm about it at the time and afterwards. It hurt a lot but I tried to brush it off. I will admit I am jealous of a lot of the freshly engaged people around me.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • It escalated a week ago when I went with my parents to an event (my fiancé stayed home). We got drinks beforehand and my mom started sobbing and saying how disrespectful we are for not asking. She kept saying how she wishes she could bless us but we didn't do what we were supposed to do (I'm assuming she means
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • asking permission). She also said she would love to help pay for the wedding but won't because of it (I was never going to ask for help). I felt ambushed and awkward and ended up crying at the venue and going home early. I had also a few days earlier asked her to go dress shopping with me the day after the event but I ended up canceling it because I could not stop crying for days afterwards.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • The next day I had a heated phone call with my dad. He said he was disappointed and thinks less of my fiancé as a man. I said I was going no contact with my mom and low contact with him. He said you don't write off family and at the time I was pretty steadfast but now I'm wavering.
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • I feel like this whole mess could have been avoided if I just swallowed my pride, but at the same time I'm trying really hard to have boundaries. Please tell me, was I the AH for telling my fiancé to not ask my dad or parents for permission?
    via u/IntelligentCorgi6396
  • A woman looks upset on the edge of a bed while her fiance sleeps behind her
    via Vitaly Gariev

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters gave their takes on the situation.

    ConflictGullible3... NTA. The fact that they reacted this way demonstrates they didn't deserve to be asked.
    via u/ConflictGullible392
  • a... NTA But you will be Y T A to yourself if you keep on your current path of letting your parents emotionally abuse you and your fiance. They are not magically going. to become the parents you deserve and there's not a great cure for narcissism.
    via u/antizana
  • What they want is attention (and control) so stop giving. them that. Don't pick a fight by saying your going no or lo contact - just be noncommittal and busy, and grey rock them when they want details. Disengaging is probably your only hope for keeping some sanity
    via u/antizana
  • Also ETA - you think the custom is outdated and icky (it is). This problem started out with you setting aside your own comfort to involve your parents in a tradition rooted in them treating you like property. There's plenty. of irony there.
    via u/antizana
  • Taycotar You are NTA but you need to up your therapy appointments. You are letting them treat you so horribly.
    via u/Taycotar
  • Ok-Satisfaction8... NTA, you DO write off family when family acts like they should be more important in your life than yourself. Cut them both off, elope, have a great honeymoon
    via u/Ok-Satisfaction8313
  • ElleWinter Your mom was never going to help pay for the wedding, she made that part up after. NTA
    via u/ElleWinter
  • Dogmother123 This whole mess could have been avoided if you capitulated again to narcissists and did what other people demand of you instead of what you want to do. And it would have created a whole new mess. Some distance sounds like an excellent idea. You are NTA but you could use some therapy.
    via u/Dogmother123
  • wayward_painter NTA read your post back as if a stranger wrote it. Read how much stress/drama/hurt that the parents in the post are causing their child (you). Would you want this for a stranger? You are an adult now, you're about to start a
    via u/wayward_painter
  • family. How much more of your life are you going to let these two ruin because your family isn't a sitcom one. They aren't going to learn their lesson at the end of the episode and apologize then you all hug. The sooner you get that, and mourn that imaginary family. Then you can focus on your joys and exciting new changes to life.
    via u/wayward_painter

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