35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01

    Hold up, we're on to something here.

    Leo Gao✔ @nabla_theta "twin", "king", "queen"... why are the youths calling each other mattress sizes 2:06 AM 3/9/26.9.2M Views . 631 17 29K 270K 11K
  • 02

    Sometimes a compliment ends up hurting your feelings.

    monica @waystarroyhoe accidentally used a frozen card for my uber eats order and even though it declined they still processed it because i'm a "valued eater" Complete your last payment soon You have an unfinished payment. In a hurry? As a valued eater, you can still place an order and pay for it later. 9:37 PM 3/9/26 2.9M Views • 107 17 2.5K 101K 3.4K ↑
  • 03

    But I'm not eating those once a day. I'm taking them all down rn.

    gale @poisonjr not the birth controli alex @vodkalemonades .3d took myself on a date
  • 04

    The customer will find you when you least expect it.

    Patrick @audiohymn I once sold a couple a couch in Costco. Two months later I hiked a mountain and they were there, with their kids, at the summit. Opposite side of the state. They pieced together who I was, walked over, and began asking me warranty questions with their backs to the sunset NOTLIZYS @Lizys711.1d My worst fear is being off the clock and someone hunting me down in the parking lot 6:08 PM 3/12/26 1.4M Views 45 17 1.4K 59K ☐ 1.4K ↑
  • 05

    How about we provide some options in the middle?

    ally @missmayn why are the only jobs for people over 80 either walmart greeter or world leader. 8:34 PM 3/12/26 256K Views • 53 1.2K 28K 306 ↑
  • 06

    You know you're in for it when this happens.

    Zik⭑ @_Gottalovezik when the exam is so hard you're learning new things by reading the questions 12:03 PM 2/25/26 1.8M Views . 308 1 11K Ĥ 141K 5.4K ↑
  • 07

    It's all in the timing.

    ° Yunie e @Hyeyunie I just scheduled an email for 8:13am instead of 8:00am just to seem less desperate and more casual like I just cooked this one up on the go kind of vibe 12:45 AM 3/13/26 910K Views 61 2.9K 78K 1.2K ↑
  • 08

    Tell me why I started craving it the second I saw it.

    frozen fruit propagandist @foreverimbetter Close enough, welcome back charged lemonades Curtti Magurtti @Curtti Magurtti-1d Dunkin seen ppl turning those Lowe's buckets into coffee cups and had to act QUICK BUN Caramel Chocolate Almond Matcha Protein Latte Protein Latte 6.09 | 280 CAL NEW 48oz BEVERAGE BUCKET Strawberry Dragonfruit Lemonade Refresher $9.49 Blueberry Cobbler Iced Latte $11.49 Caramel Coco Iced Coffee $8.89 M 6.39 | 260 CAL Participation over United time offer 2006 00 Puder LLC Ce
  • 09

    Just a regular tuesday for a girl mom.

    Jett @iky_fwjett legit call from the school: principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; like in her arms. it did bite her. not hard, but i needed to inform you that we filed an incident report 9:26 AM 3/13/26 652K Views 76 1514 28K ☐ 590 ↑
  • 10

    We need the council to set us straight.

    The Oxford Comma @RealOxford Comma In a world where the Oxford comma is mandatory, misunderstandings like this would never occur. i drink soup @soupyfur. 5d this is an understandable pick Me 11:45 AM Guys, pizza or burgers? 720 kiddler 11:45 AM Guys 3:10 PM 3/9/26.5.4M Views 189 17 5.1K 160K 5.1K
  • 11
    femiiiiii. @femiiiszn not all of us were made to cook. some of us were made to have conversations with the person cooking. 10:07 AM 3/13/26 1.2M Views 237 1 13K 92K 3.6K ↑
  • 12
    Roro @RoRoFli On my way to HR again for nicknaming my coworker "Motion Light", because they only work when someone walks by GIF Last edited 6:38 AM 3/10/26 .4M Views 138 2.5K 26K 2.1K ↑
  • 13
    Matty @bestestname Ariel's first mistake was wanting to be where the people are 11:34 AM 3/13/26 176K Views 54 12.5K 18K ☐ 318 ↑
  • 14
    JEFF @jeffisrael25 my wife has us on a listserv for adoptable dogs that have failed out of service dog training for one reason or another. the reasons are incredible. one dog failed bc he was afraid of statues. • 7:31 PM 3/12/26 1.4M Views 180 1557 29K 1.4K ↑
  • 15
    ARE U HEALED nR JUST TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT? Wholesome Side of X @itsme_urstruly My friend's daughter forgot the word "dandelion" so she described it as "the one that explodes into wishes." I like that better. 2:31 PM 3/4/26 769K Views . 178 17 9.9K 84K 4.3K
  • 16
    Sassington, M.C. @MissSassbox this is probably the last time a lot of us would look at a computer screen solely for pleasure ever again The Golden Days @TheGolden Days 4d Windows 98 Underwater Screensaver (1998) 9:20 PM 3/9/26 1.1M Views 64 17 8.4K 104K ☐ 5.3K 企
  • 17
    Dave @tufdave Unpopular opinion: Apple Music should be free if I got a iPhone 12:40 PM 3/8/26 1.6M Views 449 1 6.3K 71K 563 ↑
  • 18
    machine yearning engineer @confusionm8trix just saw an ad for soda and got up to get a soda from my fridge Restraint chair Recording electrode 7:17 PM 3/9/26 633K Views 41 173.8K Juice reward Stimulus mechanism Response bar screen 78K 2.3K
  • 19
    Pub @PubWanghaf DARTH VADER: we MUST find Obi-Wan Kenobi STORM TROOPER: there's a Kenobi registered to a home on Tattooine DV: what's his first name? ST: Ben DV: Nope not him. First name was Obi-Wan 2:01 PM 3/9/26 1.6M Views 122 2.3K 75K 1.8K ↑
  • 20
    sam greisman @SAMGREIS Need to know who is still tweeting from the La La Land account LAND LA LA La La Land @LaLaLand. 5d Here's to the women who dream. #InternationalWomensDay 4:01 PM 3/8/26 994K Views → 78 1.1K 51K 813 ↑
  • 21
    Blake T @NeilNevins Project Hail Mary not brave enough to market itself as FROM THE DIRECTORS OF CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 4:41 PM 3/9/26 673K Views 51 172.5K 56K 1.3K
  • 22
    MerriamWebster Merriam-Webster ❤ @MerriamWebster 'Sausage mcmuffins' because sausage is the TYPE of mcmuffin. In 'attorneys general,' 'attorneys' is the noun being modified. Clue Heywood @ClueHeywood ⚫9h two sausage mcmuffins with egg. Or is it two sausages mcmuffin like 'attorneys general? please just pull forward sir 1:56 PM 3/13/26 415K Views 126 410 6K D 241
  • 23
    selinam @bennynotblanco this some sh that you would see on Disney channel when the teacher tries to act cool Hoops → @Hoopss 22h what was her plan here? Nah My Principal gone wild 7:33 PM 3/11/26 1.4M Views 141 16.9K AR 109K ☐ 4.1K ↑
  • 24
    Jett @iky_fwjett imagine you wake up every day in room-sized bed. you are gently lifted from the covers and dressed in warmest sweaters each morning. your favourite foods are brought to you. you have no bills, no job, no responsibilities. but you are a chihuahua, so you are blind with rage. 5:30 AM 3/12/26 .270K Views 87 1919 18K 786 ↑
  • 25
    Isaiah Walker @walkeri141 due to what N Northwestern Baseball @NUCats Baseb.... 23h Due to darkness, today's game has been called after nine innings and will end in a tie. FINAL | Northwestern 3, UIC 3 11:30 PM 3/10/26 2.3M Views 146 1894 42K ☐ 1.2K ↑
  • 26
    + @fwtimini It's amazing how much you can accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over. 11:10 AM 3/10/26 1.7M Views 593 17 20K 183K 5.1K 1
  • 27
    Jay @Jayyakamii When your boss says "we'll get it done somehow" and you realize you're the somehow 11:06 AM 3/8/26.6M Views 321 17 26K ☑ 228K 10K ↑
  • 28
    DeeMagicGurl ❤ @DeeMagicGurl Instead of a CEO eating a hamburger, I'd like to watch the @southwestair CEO find a $39 flight. . 2:43 PM 3/6/26 440K Views 149 173.4K 29K ☐ 254 ↑
  • 29
    Columbus Library @columbuslibrary 10K likes and we get our CEO to eat a hardcover book like it's a hamburger 5:17 PM 3/5/26 437K Views 185 1 1.4K 38K 636 ↑
  • 30
    fooler initiative @metroadlib when we have a moment, I'd like to discuss this unit if measurement please. All day Astronomy @forallcurious. 18h BREAKING: Asteroid the size of 14 flamingos has just skimmed past Earth, according to NASA. |
  • 31
    @omgsidewalks every pet owner has a foundational nickname from which 58 other names ripple outwards. the sourdough starter name 11:43 AM 3/5/26 445K Views 267 t 1.1K 15K 829 ↑
  • 32
    daz 기 @MetamateDaz Told my girlfriend I want 3 kids so I have a legacy she asked me to name my great grandparents 0:10 6:02 PM 3/3/26 22M Views 2.1K 17 12K ☑ 217K ☐ 14K ↑
  • 33
    Jamarcus "Jam" Lippey @mizzoulippey Misogynist? Is there a Mr. Ogynist I can talk to? 7:19 PM 3/1/26 2.9M Views • 170 16.9K 106K 6.4K ↑
  • 34
    Natism✔ @his4Everz I'm gonna start pronouncing patio like ratio. I don't give a f anymore. 4:47 PM 3/1/26 710K Views 223 17 1.5K 17K 734
  • 35
    RETARN lynk [] @lynk0x "Whats your risk tolerance?" Crypto mfers: Ankara Türk Lebanon Syria Amman Jordan Iraq 9:42 PM 3/1/26 • 1M Views 204 171.2K Tehran Iran "Бицл Uzbekistan Afghanin Tajikistan Pakistan 28K ☐ 941 ↑
  • 36
    Johnny @htownrocket78 Supreme Leader is like regular leader but with sour cream and tomatoes. 10:12 AM 2/28/26 733K Views 293 1 1.9K 20K 604
  • 37
    PUNS → @ThePunnyWorld Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario 10:18 AM 2/28/26 1.2M Views 267 17 2.9K 29K 1.8K ↑
  • 38
    Uncle Ruckus @Emarged The final boss of pettiness. Facts @mrwtffacts. 1d In India, after attending more than 100 hearings, a 66-year-old man won his 22-year-long court case after being overcharged for a train ticket back in 1999. He was overcharged by $0.25. 12:54 PM 2/24/26 1.8M Views • 121 1 6.1K 95K 1.9K ↑
  • 39
    Nick @NickZararis Heat 2 with DiCaprio and Bale is like finding out the stripper actually does love you 4 DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm - 11h Chri i Bale has revealed that he will star in 'HEAT 2' alongside Leonardo DiCaprio. (via: @JakesTakes) 11:45 AM 2/24/26 2M Views 126 17 4.3K 73K 3.2K ↑

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