Mother "fires" her own mother from babysitting her child after she goes behind her back and cancels free play classes: 'She describes it as chaos and insists that a walk around the block or a trip to the library is just as good'

An exchange that started innocently enough with a grandmother helping with the care of her child quickly became a generational rift as the grandmother, who thought she knew better, stopped taking the child to baby play classes behind the child's mother's back. She "fired" her mother and replaced her with another caregiver. Despite being upset with her mother, she couldn't help but wonder: Was she wrong for restricting her mother's access to her child?

Story Summary:

A mother returned to part-time work and relied on her own mother, the child's grandmother, for childcare, including taking her toddler daughter to a developmental class she loved. However, the grandmother disliked the class, insisting that they were messy and chaotic. When she suggested that alternatives would be better and the mother insisted that the child be taken to the classes, she secretly stopped attending, misleading the mother about their activities. 

When the mother realized what had been happening, she felt her trust had been broken and chose to hire a college student to watch her child instead. The grandmother became upset, arguing that she was being replaced and denied access to her granddaughter despite her "best" intentions.

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  • A daycare's large empty nursery room.
    via Gautam Arora

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • [Am I wrong] for “firing” my mom from childcare over a $5 class

    My husband and I have a 16 month old daughter, Ellie. I just went back to work part time and I had my mom watching Ellie 2 days a week. Ellie goes to this little toddler class through our rec center twice a week. It's a 2 hour class and every class has free play, a circle time with a story and song, and an art project. During free play the kids have 4 different table stations that they could visit including an art table,
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • a corner of the room with all cars, trucks, and trains, the house corner with a kitchen and baby dolls, the dramatic play area (changes biweekly, I've seen a grocery store, vets office, and pizza shop), the book area, the block area, and the patio. The patio has 2 water tables, 2 playhouses, a sandbox, tricycles, and little tykes cars. Each class is only $5. Parents/caregivers are required to stay and supervise their children.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Ellie loves this class. She's addicted to the chalkboards there and is starting to approach other babies. She does taste test every foam block in the room and has eaten her fair share of crayons and finger paint, on top of drenching herself in water then rolling around in the sandbox and covering her in paint but it's nothing that can't be solved without a change of clothes and
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • hosing her off. I love how great the class is for her development. She is starting to know the names of colors and she can sit down and play with toys for longer stretches. My mom hated the toddler classes. She describes it as chaos and insists that a walk around the block or a trip to the library is just as good, if not better for her development and
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • is much less messy. I still insisted that she take Ellie, which she agreed to, then stopped taking her behind my back. I only noticed when I realized we haven't gotten art projects back in a while.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Since she lied to me about where she's been going with my daughter and refused to take her to a class that I truly believe is good for her, I "fired" my mom from babysitting and hired a college student to stay with her while I'm working. Now my mom is upset that I'm restricting her access to her granddaughter and leaving her with a stranger, which is the one thing she was trying to prevent by babysitting my daughter for me.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Now I want to know if I was the ahle for firing my mom and not having Ellie see her nearly as much over a $5 class.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a h le: I might be the ah le because I fired my mom from childcare and am now leaving Ellie with a "stranger" 2 days a week because my mom refused to take her to a $5 class.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • A grandmother with her infant grandaughter
    via Getty Images

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Arguably, there are some baseline attributes that make for good parenting and care of a child, but beyond that, it is always going to be a matter of debate as to what a parent should do and be, as there are just too many variables to count. 

    Generational divides, cultural rifts, and circumstantial issues are always going to come up between new parents and their own parents, the children's grandparents, who insist that “They did things better” back in their day. This can be frustrating for the new parents who are keenly aware of their parents' own flaws, but as long as it stays as annoying suggestions, it's innocent enough; it's when their parents start doing things behind their back, against their specific request, that it becomes a big problem.

    And it's not a solved equation by any means, either, despite every parenting trend attempting to curb the shortcomings of their own parents' generation and not pass their own trauma onto their children, each change, along with the changing world around the parent and child, presents a new set of challenges and new variables that the parent will inevitably get “wrong” and their children will seek to solve when they have children of their own.

    It's not even so much her doing something that was disadvantageous for the child as it is that she directly went against her daughter's wishes for her own child and, worse, did so behind her back. This is really the core of the issue here and is a major issue for the family to now overcome. 

  • iDryft NTA Wait...has your mother also been pocketing that 5$ per class each time? Your mother can't complain about having her time restricted when she chose to put herself in that position. It gives me a bad impression that you would tell your mother that you're child is punished and no allowed. chocolate and she would go behind your back and take her to an icecream shop because she feels like it and doesn't care about your wishes about your child. It's best to nip the behavior in the bt early
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Rich-Radio9017 Original Poster's Reply She hasn't been pocketing the money. You have to sign up for the class on the rec center website ahead of time and pay when you sign up.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • nobody2222234 IN.FO: do the Grandma days and class days have to overlap? Regardless, as a childcare professional: lying to a parent about their child's location is inexcusable. I would fire her too. edit: Given more info, changing to NTA
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Rich-Radio9017 Original Poster's Reply Yes, right now they have to overlap.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • ladybird2223 So have you been paying for it without her actually going?
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Rich-Radio9017 Original Poster's Reply Yes.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Internal_Role_1549 Why can't mom watch Ellie two different days out of the week? The babysitter can watch her twice a week and take her to the class.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Rich-Radio9017 Original Poster's Reply I don't need childcare 4 days a week. I need childcare 2 days a week and I'd rather have someone that will take my kid where I want her to go and won't lie about where they are and what they're doing.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Reasonable-Sale8611 You are the parent so you set the rules. That said, those sorts of classes tend to be germ factories. Even more so than a daycare, where regulations require scheduled cleanings of the materials and children are sent home when they have a fever or diarrhea. A casual, drop-in class where caregivers stay with the child, likely has no such regulations and no enforcement. Every time I took my kids to one of these, we were all sick a couple days later. Also, a 2 hour class, twice a
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Rich-Radio9017 Original Poster's Reply I've taken her to class plenty of times. I know exactly what goes into it. My mom can still get relaxed grandma time with Ellie, it just won't be twice a week while I'm at work. As for why I work on class days, class is only offered on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays also works best for my employer. Occasionally one of my coworkers and I will switch shifts and my mom will watch her on a non class day while I take her to class. We've also only
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Disastrous-Assist-90 It's not over a $5 class. It was over disrespecting your decisions as the parent, and also lying to you about it. NTA
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Soft-Tangelo-6884 NTA I'm a nanny and work mostly with kids this age. I've come to realize most of the grandparents of boomerish age (50s-70s) can't handle most of what is best practice now for kids in kid spaces, which looks super messy and chaotic, because they weren't allowed to be like that and they can't handle it with their grandchildren. It's more upsetting and sad your Mom lied to you over this. Missing the actual class for a month or so isn't a huge deal but she did lose your trust and
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Broken-Ice-Cube The lying is the issue here. While I'm a big believer in they won't melt and a messy child is a happy child I can understand If others aren't okay with letting a child they're looking after get super messy. Granny not wanting to have to deal with a sopping wet paint covered kiddo isn't unreasonable. What is is lying to you about where you kid was for weeks on end. Makes you wonder what else she'd lie about. You should be able to fully trust the people your trust with your kid NTA
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • jupitersbears NTA. Your mom lied about what she was doing. That is a firing offense full stop. I don't care if the class was terrible or the best thing ever invented for kids - that's irrelevant. Your mom has proven she will lie to your face when she disagrees with you about how to raise your daughter. I would not leave her alone with your daughter until you're d in sure she understands why she was wrong and won't do it again, or your child is old enough to advocate for herself.
    via Rich-Radio9017
  • Lighthouse_on_Mars NTA, It sounds like the class over stimulated your mom. Instead of being an adult and telling you that she finds it too loud and obnoxious at her age, She lied to you. It s ks that she's losing out on time with her granddaughter, but that's just how life works. Either she puts up with the obnoxious loud class with other kids in it. Or she doesn't and loses time that could have been spent with her granddaughter. It's as simple as that.
    via Rich-Radio9017

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