Coworker overhears teacher talking to spouse about visa application, suggests she should have married someone from the same country: 'Why would you say that to anyone?'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Mar 30, 2026 2:00 PM EDT

Allowing an overlap of the personal and professional can be a danger zone in more ways than one.

While those who claim you should never befriend or even be too friendly with your coworkers operate at an extreme that not everybody is going to agree with, this advice does not spring up out of nowhere. Those who get unlucky with the people that they work with often run into issues when they divulge too much about their lives in the workplace.

Obviously, it is important to respect professional boundaries. Spilling all your deepest, darkest secrets on your first day is not likely to go down well with HR. At the same time, building a rapport that involves occasionally chatting about what is going on with you outside of the workplace is totally normal, and should be something that coworkers can be trusted to react appropriately to.

The unfortunate thing is that certain types of colleagues will use insight into those they work with against them, whether to compete with them professionally or simply just not be very nice. Learning who these people are and how to avoid them is often a case of trial and error, and that can come with some unpleasant experiences.

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  • A woman smiles as she takes a phone call on a cell phone in a shared office
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A woman smiles as she takes a phone call on a cell phone in a shared office

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • In this story, a middle school teacher took a phone call on her break with her husband, discussing the issue of extending his visa. A fellow teacher that she didn't know very well came up to her and started a conversation on the topic, so she explained the situation in a little more detail.

    After listening to her speak on the issue, her coworker remarked that she should have considered marrying a person from their own country instead. She didn't say anything in response, but she wondered if she was in the wrong to be offended by the remark that she had made.

     

  • Am I overreacting at my coworker telling me I should've married someone else?

    I'm a teacher and our school has around 170 teachers so there's a lot of people that you memorize the face of but never personally interact with.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • We have all- staff/teachers gatherings twice a year but even during those events, the teachers just talk to people from their own department.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • This coworker (I don't know anything about her except the fact that she's also a teacher) overheard me today talking to the immigration office on the phone.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • My husband is a foreigner living with me in my home country so of course I help with all of his paperwork and visa applications.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • She didn't hear the full conversation but understood who I was talking to, so she started asking if I was going abroad.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • I explained it was because my husband is trying to extend his visa. She seemed quite friendly at first and this was the first time we actually talked to each other.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • A woman smiles as she holds a pen to her face in a shared office
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A woman smiles as she holds a pen to her face in a shared office

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • She started asking about what the process is like and seemed interested, so I answered most of her questions.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • She commented that the paperwork and immigration visits sounded very exhausting and I agreed. Out of nowhere she goes "That's too bad.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • You should've married a \[native\] person." I instantly though but didn't say anything and just completely ignored everything she said afterwards.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • And the more I think about it the more I feel like I should've told her to go F herself.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • (Obviously shouldn't; I teach middle school) Because why would you say that to anyone, let alone someone you're talking to for the first time?
    via BigBoneHippo
  • For context, I am from a country that's heavily nationalistic but not as much with the younger generations.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • She's probably around 35 and people her age seem to not care so much about interracial marriages here.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • Am I overreacting or was it actually rade from her side?
    via BigBoneHippo
  • An empty classroom filled with desks and chairs next to a large window
    via Kübra Arslaner (Unsplash+)

    An empty classroom filled with desks and chairs next to a large window

  • Fine-Juggernaut8451 I think this isn't a matter of if she's ride or not, this is a matter of if she's safe or not. She's not safe. I hate that she's around kids. From here on out, treat her as unsafe. Don't chitchat with her about anything beyond the weather, and if she tries to pry, end the conversation by saying you're busy. I think calling her "r de" frames this as a politeness issue, but it's not that. It's not whether she was r de or polite. She's not a safe person, and she may be dangerous
    via Fine-Juggernaut8451
  • SmoothLemon24 I think you might be upset with yourself for not calling her out on her comments. Next time look them square in the face with your best "FU" stare and say "that was totally inappropriate" and walk away. They should get the message.
    via SmoothLemon24
  • BigBoneHippo Original Poster's Reply That's what I think as well. I definitely should've at least made a disapproving disgusted expression.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • Fkingcherokee NOR- This sounds like someone who would advise people to marry based on "what they can get" instead of holding out for love and putting in the effort to keep it. If you aren't willing to take some official phone calls and attend some meetings to keep the person you love, you don't love them enough to be married to them.
    via Fkingcherokee
  • BigBoneHippo Original Poster's Reply Exactly! Attending official meeting and making phone calls no matter how many is nothing compared to the only other option of living thousands of miles away from my husband. Yes, it's an exhausting process but you never even think about these alternatives when you love your partner.
    via BigBoneHippo
  • Nomivought2015 I don't think it had to do with interracial marriage, but marrying in different countries. But yeah it's not a nice thing to say and I do hope it works out for you both! Is he not automatically eligible for green card if you are married?
    via Nomivought2015
  • orensiocled Yeah, that was r de
    via orensiocled
  • AggravatingGuest 1956 NOR b lucky you didn't take it to the playground
    via AggravatingGuest1956
  • Round_Transition_346 Oh this hits home. NOR I'm an immigrant and my partner is Swedish, we live in Sweden. He has heard that. Natives be unafraid to say the nastiest things... I'm so sorry
    via Round_Transition_346
  • HistoricalFudge3186 NOR She has no business commenting on your choices. Imagine loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them, but going 'nah, too much paperwork, I'll find someone else'.
    via HistoricalFudge3186
  • livinlavidanacho Personally, I would figure out her name and report her to HR. Say you are concerned about students who are immigrants not receiving proper support because if she feels safe saying this to a colleague, just imagine what she's doing to the students
    via livinlavidanacho

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