19, 21, and 22-year-old siblings stand with their biomom when stepmom gives them an ultimatum, revealing the truth to Dad about a divisive childhood: 'She said if we chose mom she would never forgive us'

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• "AITAH for telling my dad we turned against his wife because she told us to choose between her and our mom and not because our mom was talking [smack]?

  My parents divorced when my siblings (19 and 21) and I (22M) were little."

• "They got along okay post-divorce until my dad's wife became a serious relationship for dad. It was then that issues between my mom and her started. My siblings and I knew nothing about it for several years and we got along with our dad's wife for a few years. But eventually things changed."

• "The trouble with my mom and my dad's wife came down to what my dad's wife was to us. She expected to be treated as an equal third parent and my mom told her that would not be happening. My dad's wife expected mom to include her as a third parent and for us to be encouraged to treat all three the very same and to love all three the very same. Mom said we could have a loving relationship with her but she would be our stepmother. My dad's wife said she would be our mom too and not just a step."

• “After that my dad's wife would always sit next to mom at every event. I remember seeing it and for a while I thought they got along. But in reality the fights were just kept from us. She wanted to have an equal say with us and she wanted the right to make decisions for us and she wanted to be called mamma and my mom told her she would not be encouraging it. My dad's wife didn't like being 4th on our school contact list but my mom didn't want to change it and apparently neither did dad but his wife only blamed my mom for it.”

• “That sort of stuff happened for a few years and then my mom told her to her face she was not our mother and she needed to back off and stop trying to be equal. My dad and his wife were actually married by then but they weren't for a lot of stuff. My dad's wife took that as mom getting in a dig about her not being able to have biological children and after that things changed.”

• “I was 8 and she was suddenly telling us mom was a disrespectful witch and she told us we needed to spend Mother's Day with her at least every other year. She told us we couldn't just always pick our mom and we needed to pick her too for school-related stuff. And she said we needed to start deciding which one of them really deserved to be our mom.”

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• In truth, Dad would never get it. 

  Although his rocky relationship with his first wife tainted his vision of her, the woman he married first would always be his kids' mom. Sure, many children learn to accept and love their stepparent in their own way, but that's not a relationship that can be forced, and you certainly can't persuade a child to turn away from their biological mother.

  She is, and will always be, the woman who brought them into this world.  

  A kid should never have to choose between parents, and the stepmom who tried to force her stepkids to love her more than they loved their biomom learned the hard way that when you pressure people to act one way, they might be pushed to do the opposite. At least, that's certainly what the rebel heart of my teenage self would have done…

• “When I was like 12 she told us we had an actual choice to make, mom or her. It was for this early Mother's Day trip thing we won at school. She wanted us to take her and spoil her with it and she said if we chose mom she would never forgive us and that our mom had done everything to stop her being equal but she was. She said she did just as much as our mom if not more and she deserved it more for choosing to do this with us. We chose mom and she cried and yelled and we had to get out of her way.”

• “After that she told us mom had mocked her for being sterile and she mocked her again when her and dad tried to adopt and were unsuccessful. I talked to dad and he was backing his wife but then let it slip that mom never knew about those things and his wife took them the wrong way. He told me he didn't actually mean to say it but I told him it didn't mean he wasn't telling the truth.”

• “He said his wife deserved for us to love her and really make her feel special and like she's important to us and that we needed to get close to her again because she felt like we hated her. I told him I could never be close to someone who kept asking me to pick her over mom and insulted mom daily.”

• “I told my siblings what dad said and our relationship with his wife worsened. It was then we stopped saying she was our stepmom and started saying she was our dad's wife. From there the relationship got worse and worse and unless we're talking to dad and she's right there we don't talk to her.”

• "Dad blames mom for us turning against his wife and I told him it wasn't what mom did but his wife telling us to choose. I said mom never said a bad word about her. But his wife said lots of bad words about mom. He told me it still wasn't fair to punish his wife for having a bad relationship with mom when we had such a good relationship with her before and she did so much for us. He told me it was disrespectful to not separate things.

  I disagree but maybe I'm too close. AITAH?"

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• maybs32

  NTA. Love can't be forced. She asked you to choose and you did, end of story. You owe her nothing.

• 1RainbowUnicorn

  NTA. This is all your father's fault for not shutting down that from his new wife. It was his job to manage her, and her demanding to be an equal parent is BS. He should have stopped her from making your mom the enemy and from making you choose her or your mother. That was [mean] to you kids. Well, you chose like she asked you to! She can't take it back now. It was disrespectful of her not to seperate being a steparent vs an actual parent.

• ComprehensivePut5569

  My former stepmonster was similar to your dad’s wife except she knew better than to try to claim a “mom” title because my mother wouldn’t stand for that - nor would I. Luckily my father left her when I was 13. The unfortunate part is she had 3 kids with my dad so she was in my life longer than necessary but I went NC with her once I turned 21 and decided to just maintain a relationship with my siblings exclusively through my father and paternal grandparents.

  Your father is being ridiculous. I understand he’s supporting his wife but he’s defending the indefensible. His wife is a horrible person. Full stop. She actively tried to alienate you from your mom ffs! She deserves nothing from you - no love; no respect; no attention.

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