Busy student takes time away from finals to clean her chaotic friend’s house, but after the toddler wrecks it, the situation takes a turn: ‘I should’ve been studying for finals’

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  A man sits surrounded by clutter, overwhelmed by the mess.

• AITA for not wanting to help my friend after she let her kid mess up all my work?

  I (34F) have a friend (34F) who is struggling with a messy house. She asked me to come over to help her clean and I did. I have several times now. This time I cleaned her 2.5 year old’s room. It was quite bad, but I spent about 3 hours organizing toys/books, folding clothes etc. 

  It was a lot of work but I managed to get it mostly clean and was about to vacuum the floor and put some piles of folded clothes away in a bin when she came in with said 2.5 year old. She then let her toddler “help” by picking up the piles and dumping them on the ground.

   

  An hour of folding was gone in seconds. Then she let her dump all the toys and then decided she wanted to clean the closet so she took everything out. I attempted to gently redirect the toddler, but there’s not much I can do when mom is right there finding it funny. Now look, I get 2 year olds can make a mess quick. I have two kids of my own who are a little older now (11 and 13) and I work with preschoolers. 

   

  But because of that, I also know that I would have never let my kid destroy somebody’s work that they just did for me and laugh about it. I would have redirected to another activity and if that didn’t work I’d have picked them up and removed them from the room and redirected again in another room and empathized with whatever meltdown. At least until the clothes were picked up. 

   

  The room looked not quite as bad as when I started because I’d gotten all the trash and junk out, butttt it was not a ton better. After 3 hours of cleaning when I should have been home studying.

• After hours of unpaid help, she watched it all unravel in minutes while her friend laughed it off. As a mom herself, she understood toddler chaos, but not the lack of boundaries. Now, stuck between loyalty and frustration, she’s questioning whether continuing to help is worth the stress.

• She asks me to help her clean all the time. Her house is quite bad and it’s not entirely on her because she moved into a house from her in-laws with a ton of stuff already in it. I would like to be able to help her but at the same time I don’t want to if she’s just going to let it be undone in seconds. 

   

  I admit there’s an aside that I do feel like she is generally permissive parenting. An example being that she called me last night asking me to stop studying for my finals in a few days to drive over to sit in the car with her kid in her driveway because she was refusing to get out of the car and my friend needed to go inside to use the restroom. 

   

  It had already been a half hour. I told her she needed to just take her inside, toddler need not be happy about it, and she insisted she could not because “she just rebuckled herself”. I told her I couldn’t come over there and she was annoyed. I could be absolutely overreacting because I’m already annoyed, but AITA here?

• She’s starting to feel like every favor comes with no limits, and saying yes only leads to more unreasonable asks. While she wants to support her friend, the constant demands and lack of boundaries are wearing thin. Now she’s left wondering if she’s overreacting or finally seeing the situation clearly.

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  A mom watches as her toddler undoes a pile of freshly folded laundry.

• Edit/response: wow this really blew up while I was…you guessed it—studying. I want to respond to some of you but I wanted to add this here first. Thank you all for putting this into perspective for me. I just wasn’t sure if I was being too harsh about a 2 year old “helping”. 

   

  I do really need boundaries with this friend. This is just one small example that was fresh that I wanted to gauge what’s going on by. And from this I see I’m being taken advantage of which is how it felt.

   

  I will say I think some of you are being a touch harsh from a small snippet. She’s really been there for me in some really hard times so I wanted to be a good friend and help her as well which I do often. 

   

  I figured it’s just part of being friends but she definitely does take it too far. And I did tell her “no” about the car situation and do say no a lot too. It’s just there’s a lot of asks so it feels like I’m saying no a lot and then I feel bad. But then I say yes and it goes like this so. I can’t win I guess. I’ll need to just say no more often.

  -Lost-Independent-838

• Reddit did not hold back when weighing in on this messy situation.

• Drinkmorechampagne

  "She asks me to help her clean all the time."

   

  I advise a neutral, calm tone while you say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can't do that."

   

  Don't explain. Don't give her reasons. It will only give her an opportunity to poke holes in your "reasons" and try to guilt you so she can get her way. Her manipulation is bordering on bull**ng.

   

  Again, just use variations of "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me anymore." Don't be afraid of the repetition. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but I encourage you to refuse to feel uncomfortable or guilty.

   

  Let HER feel uncomfortable. You're fine.

   

  "An example being that she called me last night asking me to stop studying for my finals in a few days to drive over to sit in the car with her kid in her driveway because she was refusing to get out of the car and my friend needed to go inside to use the restroom."

  That's some outrageous entitlement. Holy moly.

  "I told her I couldn’t come over there and she was annoyed."

  And...? Refuse to feel guilty. She is using guilt to get her way. She's probably been doing it her whole life--refuse to buy into it.

• dryadduinath

  nta. your thirty-four year old friend can clean her own home, she can care for her own child, and if she cannot she can get a maid and a nanny. 

  you’re her friend. you’re not the “help”. you have your own life, you have your own things to do, and there’s a difference between doing a favor for a friend and …whatever this is. 

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  via Unsplash+ (via Getty Images)

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  A toddler turns snack time into total chaos.

• eulb_yltnasaelp

  Nta, the encouraging the toddler to dump out all of you tidying is annoying AF, but asking you to drive over because the toddler doesn't want to get out of the car is ridiculous. She is setting herself up for a difficult time raising this child without reasonable boundaries

• TansNunaTia

  I have no patience for that kind of nonsense. I would not ask a relative to help me clean my house never mind a friend. The fact that she allowed her 2 1/2 year-old to ruin all the good work you did… That just strikes me as disrespectful. NTA, OP. Walk away. Wait, run don’t walk away. Unless there’s a reason to maintain this relationship on your end, that’ll just be more time to yourself.

• At the end of the day, what started as a simple act of kindness turned into a bigger question about respect and boundaries. Helping a friend is one thing, but feeling like your time and effort are disposable is another. Whether she continues to step in or starts saying no more often, one thing is clear: something in this dynamic has to change.

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